First time parents and husband is horrible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks to the “horrible” man for your post- I appreciate your honesty and how you stuck with it. Though I am not sure I’d be so happy waiting five years!

I know DH loves the baby. But he’s just like a deer in head lights. I know a lot of women say that men are terrified that they’ll do something wrong, but it’s not it. Somethjng is just not clicking. I DO tell him that I’m going to go do this, do that, I don’t ever ask him to watch her.

I’ll be honest though, I do get sad when I see other pics of men that just seem totally hands on and natural with their baby and being totally doting. I don’t have any pictures of my DH with baby like that- just literally like a deer in headlights. I will say though it is also refreshing to hear other moms say that they had trouble bonding as well, it sounds like maybe this isn’t talked about so much. Social media has totally warped what to expect in parenthood!

so if he's like a deer in a headlights that means he's in a fight or flight mentality where he is too scared to access the parts of his brain where he's ready to learn. Imagine that you were doing something you've never done for the first time like fly a plane And you basically were in such a panic you can't calm down enough to actually learn what to do or problem-solve. The first problem is figuring out how to cope with the fear so that you can get to a point where your brain is ready to learn.

The second issue seems to be that you never actually want to talk to him about the problem or figure out some ways that he can try to step in. Is there a non-judgmental way that you can tell him that you need him to do more to bond with your kid

[Anonymous]

Its ok. Some guys literally dont know what they are supposed to be doing or how to interact with a baby. I would give him specific direction and see how he does. - Can you rock her in your arms like this while I make a sandwich? Can you put her in the car seat? Can you do tummy time with her like this?
He's not going to admit he has no idea what to do. He needs direction. In the newborn phase babies seem fragile and its intimidating.

[Anonymous]

My friend's husband was/is a terrible father. From day 1. They are now getting divorced, after 3 years of her having to remind him to take of their daughter. It will be so much better for the daughter in the long run.

[Anonymous]

^^ take care of

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our baby is about to turn 3 months and husband has just been terrible, TERRIBLE at bonding with the baby and being hands-on. If I don’t say anything, he can easily go a day without even holding her. I’m starting to get deeply worried and have been really resentful and sad...is this common? Has anyone gone through something similar and have it get better?

it can get better. Mine didn’t lift a finger. He is better now that they are a bit older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sorry. Yes, this is common.

How were you guys pre-baby?

Could you just ask him what's going on?

Like, hey, you doing ok adjusting to all this? You gotta do it when you're not mad at him or fighting. Bring curiosity to the question, not anger.

Also, I've seen this book recommended in other threads, though I have not read it myself.

https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

We have had a few discussions. He says he feels lost in his role (my family was over a lot enjoying the baby and taking care of it so we can rest before this quarantine business- almost everyday; I LOOOOOVE the help but even for me sometimes their presence was overbearing). He admitted that he definitely didn’t bond with her immediately and felt guilty, but couldn’t help what he felt...he said it’s hard for him to bond to something that he just met, whereas I got to bond with her for 9 months in my belly...it sucks to hear but I appreciate his honesty and I can’t blame him for feeling that way.

You sound like a great couple. Schedule some daddy time. Whatever time of the day seems least intimidating would be best. DH sucks at nighttime wake ups, but has been my rock during the toddler years. Help him through this. Play the long game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend's husband was/is a terrible father. From day 1. They are now getting divorced, after 3 years of her having to remind him to take of their daughter. It will be so much better for the daughter in the long run.

OP, nothing you've written makes me think your husband will be like PP's husband, so don't let this post freak you out.

Actually, your husband seems like a good guy who want to be a good dad and just can't figure out how to make that happen. I didn't read the whole thread, but I'm sure you got good advice on how to let your husband get his parenting sea legs. If not, there have been many threads in the past that you can search.

Don't be despondent. If he cared less, he wouldn't be so afraid to screw up or worry about what he should be doing.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to coach him a bit. Esp. if you're breastfeeding around the clock and soothing the baby. Can you pump a bottle and show him how to give it? Giving nutrition to a baby (satisfying an important need) can be empowering for him. Also agree with PP about skin to skin recommendation - explain to him why it's important and useful for the baby so he feels he accomplishes something.
Could he be having a gender disappointment? Not that it justifies not pulling his weight, but it could be a root cause too.

[Anonymous]

Yes this is common. Even if they won’t admit it many people hate their spouse during the first year. My husband did all sorts of weird things and had anger issues that came out. He is a good and decent person who really struggled to adapt to parenthood. Years in it is better but still takes him a lot of effort. But he’s a very good and loving father and husband. You probably need to just hand him the baby and say you need a break or will lose it, rather than saying something he will perceive as judgmental and hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Op my husband was like this too. Amazing husband and amazing uncle to small children when we met and as we were dating. It was one of the things you file in the back of your mind as “good dad material.” Lo and behold, our baby is born and it’s like he has every excuse in the book to be out of the house. Has to buy lightbulbs, has to change lightbulbs, has to replace smoke alarms, multiple trips to the grocery store to pick up one thing at a time. I realized that 1. He was scared to death of the baby and thought I had some natural magical ability that he didn’t have, and 2. Some sort of weird, ancient “hunting” instinct kicked in where he was doing everything he knew how to do to keep his new little family “safe.” As the baby got less fragile in his mind he engaged much more. Now he’s a great dad. So there’s hope OP. But I felt the same as you. I was NOT expecting his reaction to the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’ll be okay, OP! I was the one who didn’t bond well with my kids when they were babies, and I had 4 of them (2 twins). Seriously, some people aren’t into infants and can’t handle the aspect of them not “making sense” (why are they crying?! what do they want from me?!).

Please be patient. My kids are all grown up now, we’re tightly bonded, and I picked up the slack when they were teens. Okay, I really did begin understanding babies more when they were 6 months or so, but it’s not in my nature to attach to infants. I don’t know why it is. There’s was no long-term harm done, at least if you ask my kids.

This is all new, and I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be parenting during quarantine. Hugs to you all!

Wow you had two sets of twins! Are you the dad or mom?

[Anonymous]

I had a similar experience when my DS was born. My DH was pretty terrible with him as a newborn but really started to get better as DS became more mobile and interactive. By the time DS was a year old and was walking, DH had become a confident and capable parent. In our case, I think that breast-feeding made it more difficult for my DH to feel comfortable caring for and bonding with our DS, so things got better as DS became less reliant on frequent breast-feeding. It sounds like your DH cares and wants to do the right thing, so I think he will be OK with a little time.

[Anonymous]

I suspect that you criticize everything he does so he has decided that doing nothing is better. Shut up and let him do things his way

[Anonymous]

Op, are you kidding? 3 months is way to young to be judging what kind of father he’s going to be. At 3 months, the baby is barely aware of dad’s existence as the only thing that matters at that age to the child is mom’s boob. Dad will discover is relevancy soon enough. I know amazing dads that have told me the first few months they felt exactly like your husband

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. I remember having similar feelings in the beginning. I was stuck with a baby on the boob and DH decided now was the time to tackle every random house project. He just wasn’t super comfortable/hands on with either of our babies in the very beginning and in retrospect our kids had a strong mommy preference that didn’t help. They were always so much less fussy with me.

Those babies are now 2 and 5, and DH is in the other room wrestling two little boys dressed up as superheroes. He has so much more stamina for this crazy toddler/preschooler phase than I do! He really hit his stride as a dad once they became more interactive/physical. Actually by 9 months or so things were turning a corner (which when I think of it, I was 9 months ahead of him because my life changed the second I got pregnant).

This seems to be such a common phenomenon with other moms I’ve talked to about it that I would try to be patient and realize this is not reflective of the dad he will be. Although I know it’s hard in the meantime and I hate to come up with excuses for men to slack off during the baby years. Only you know if it’s genuine fear/lack of connection or an excuse to dump the child caring burden on you.