First time parents and husband is horrible
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Anonymous
| Our baby is about to turn 3 months and husband has just been terrible, TERRIBLE at bonding with the baby and being hands-on. If I don’t say anything, he can easily go a day without even holding her. I’m starting to get deeply worried and have been really resentful and sad...is this common? Has anyone gone through something similar and have it get better? |
Anonymous
| Omg. Some men try to let mom do all the work during the early months so mom can bond with baby. It’s ok to say, here can you watch baby while I shower. Baby likes to be rocked, takes the bottle like this, etc. he has to learn and it’s ok for you to teach him. Please understand that people are not mind readers. You want help, ask. You want more bonding, say it. |
Anonymous
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Deal with it during the quarantine but then leave him when this is over. He seems like a total ass. Why did you marry such a POS?
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Anonymous
| Good news--your baby is getting more and more expressive and interactive every day. Make it part of your family routine that he takes the baby for some time each day. Find some suggested activities to do with babies that age (for example http://www.candokiddo.com/news/baby-play-activities-3-4-month-old), then suggest he try them out "for baby's development." Then go do something out of the way, like taking a shower, so he has the time and privacy to get to know the baby one-on-one. |
Anonymous
Well, how was I to know how he would be as a parent? |
Anonymous
What was he like as a husband? |
Anonymous
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OP I'm sorry. Yes, this is common.
How were you guys pre-baby? Could you just ask him what's going on? Like, hey, you doing ok adjusting to all this? You gotta do it when you're not mad at him or fighting. Bring curiosity to the question, not anger. Also, I've seen this book recommended in other threads, though I have not read it myself. https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104 |
Anonymous
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It’ll be okay, OP! I was the one who didn’t bond well with my kids when they were babies, and I had 4 of them (2 twins). Seriously, some people aren’t into infants and can’t handle the aspect of them not “making sense” (why are they crying?! what do they want from me?!).
Please be patient. My kids are all grown up now, we’re tightly bonded, and I picked up the slack when they were teens.  Okay, I really did begin understanding babies more when they were 6 months or so, but it’s not in my nature to attach to infants. I don’t know why it is. There’s was no long-term harm done, at least if you ask my kids.
This is all new, and I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be parenting during quarantine. Hugs to you all! |
Anonymous
| *There was |
Anonymous
| This is a huge change for him, too...probably one of the most stressful things you'll ever experience together. And current circumstances are making this even more stressful for first time parents! Please talk to him about it and tell him how you feel in a calm way. It may help to use betterhelp.com a few times so that you have a neutral third party to help you talk some things through. It's going to be alright! This is really normal, but you need to talk about it. |
Anonymous
Awesome- and he was very supportive of my pregnancy- late night food runs, all the MD appts (except the weekly stuff). But he had no experience with babies or kids, ever. Just seen in passing, really. Though, I’ll be honest that I think being a husband and being a parent are really different roles. |
Anonymous
No I mean generally as a partner. |
Anonymous
Dads do not "help" moms, nitwit. Parenting is a shared responsibility. |
Anonymous
We have had a few discussions. He says he feels lost in his role (my family was over a lot enjoying the baby and taking care of it so we can rest before this quarantine business- almost everyday; I LOOOOOVE the help but even for me sometimes their presence was overbearing). He admitted that he definitely didn’t bond with her immediately and felt guilty, but couldn’t help what he felt...he said it’s hard for him to bond to something that he just met, whereas I got to bond with her for 9 months in my belly...it sucks to hear but I appreciate his honesty and I can’t blame him for feeling that way. |
Anonymous
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My husband was terrified of my first child. He's a combat veteran and a law enforcement officer. He can be totally calm in situations where I'd be curled up in a fetal position with my thumb in my mouth. But a 2 month old who whines slightly left him shaking in his boots. It's funny now, but at the time it was not. It was really hard thinking it was 100% on me. I'd give him to DH and ask him to watch him long enough to shower, and 5 minutes later he'd be knocking on the door, worried that something was wrong because the baby was crying, or "too quiet", or whatever.
Fast forward, my kids are tweens and he is such an involved parent. It just took time. |