Telling your kid they did something or behaved well when they really didn?t.

[Anonymous]

Don’t contradict the nurse you sound psycho.

Don’t give him a treat if you don’t want to but don’t he such a b*tch to the nurse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People used to think I was a horrible mother because I would push my kid. If she was doing backwalkovers and she crumbled at the end I'd just say "Do it again," and if I had to say that over and over before she got it right, so be it.

I only compliment when it is deserved.

Boy am I glad my parents didn’t try to coach me when I did gymnastics. You sound toxic.

Nah, DD loved it, which is why I did it. If you want to learn to do something physical, you have to do it over and over again.

Yes, you do. And that's what coaches are for. Parents are to love and support unconditionally, even when practices didn't go well.

*I* was her coach. I could never have afforded gymnastics at a formal place. We would just go to a grassy area at a park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stop with the bribery. You’re setting both you and him up for failure. Instead, make it a surprise. “Look at what a great job you did at the doctor’s office! You stayed calm and in control. Let’s go get a treat to celebrate.”

Then work to set him up to be successful. Talk about what’s going to happen. Make sure he’s not acting out because he’s hungry or tired. If he is, don’t choose that battle to fight or hold against him.

And this is why we have such lazy kids and younger gen z workers right now. Does nothing but help with their entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People used to think I was a horrible mother because I would push my kid. If she was doing backwalkovers and she crumbled at the end I'd just say "Do it again," and if I had to say that over and over before she got it right, so be it.

I only compliment when it is deserved.

Boy am I glad my parents didn’t try to coach me when I did gymnastics. You sound toxic.

Nah, DD loved it, which is why I did it. If you want to learn to do something physical, you have to do it over and over again.

DP. I think tone is a big part of it.

I work with kids who struggle academically. When they make a mistake I don't fake it or let them fake it either. I use a neutral tone of voice to give a prompt and then tell them to try again. It is completely different from a coach I had when I was a tween who used to get up in my face and scream "DO IT AGAIN," usually leaving the "you jacka$$" or some equivalent unsaid but you knew he was dying to say it.

The other part is acceptance and non-judgment. My students know that I accept almost everything as long as they try and the only thing they get judged on by me is whether they tried. If they don't try, however, then all bets are off!

[Anonymous]

I'm sure the nurse has seen worse...

[Anonymous]

I think it’s important to make an experience like that as positive as possible. Many people have legit anxiety or fear about the doc office. Usually you can find *something* they are doing well and you can give a compliment about that thing. Often that helps them feel good and in turn they act better. If you can catch them being good and give that compliment it can change things. I think it would have been better just say nothing. What you did was kind of rude to the nurse, who was just trying to be pleasant, and may have been perceived by your kid as shaming. And for what purpose? It’s fine not to give the treat if he didn’t behave well, of course, but pointing out poor behavior in front of the nurse was small and unnecessary, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

It depends. If he was getting shots or something painful then I don't think there should be an expectation that he has no negative emotions. Expecting stoicism from males is problematic. There still a lot of 'man up' expected from boys that they don't cry, don't show fear, don't get upset or emotions or show weakness about things that are upsetting. It isn't healthy at all.

When I was a kid I cut my head open and I remember my parents telling me that if I didn't cry or get upset, then they would take me for ice cream. Going to the hospital, getting stitches etc - it was all pretty scary and it hurt but I suffered through it with a smile for that ice cream. My parents and the docs aware so proud of me for doing great but honestly learning to suppress how you feel to meet other people's expectations of great isn't healthy at all. It impacted me well into adulthood.

Different from just regular bratty behavior but I often see expectations that a child do great in a new or scary or difficult situation and I don't think that is a healthy or realistic expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s important to make an experience like that as positive as possible. Many people have legit anxiety or fear about the doc office. Usually you can find *something* they are doing well and you can give a compliment about that thing. Often that helps them feel good and in turn they act better. If you can catch them being good and give that compliment it can change things. I think it would have been better just say nothing. What you did was kind of rude to the nurse, who was just trying to be pleasant, and may have been perceived by your kid as shaming. And for what purpose? It’s fine not to give the treat if he didn’t behave well, of course, but pointing out poor behavior in front of the nurse was small and unnecessary, in my opinion.

+1 It was a remarkably unkind and rude response to make to the nurse, and you set a bad example to your child. I think you need to tell him tomorrow (since he's probably gone to bed by now) that you were wrong in how you spoke to the nurse and then apologize to him for setting being rude and setting a bad example. Don't try to explain why you did what you did because then the "justification" completely negates the sincerity of your apology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends. If he was getting shots or something painful then I don't think there should be an expectation that he has no negative emotions. Expecting stoicism from males is problematic. There still a lot of 'man up' expected from boys that they don't cry, don't show fear, don't get upset or emotions or show weakness about things that are upsetting. It isn't healthy at all.

When I was a kid I cut my head open and I remember my parents telling me that if I didn't cry or get upset, then they would take me for ice cream. Going to the hospital, getting stitches etc - it was all pretty scary and it hurt but I suffered through it with a smile for that ice cream. My parents and the docs aware so proud of me for doing great but honestly learning to suppress how you feel to meet other people's expectations of great isn't healthy at all. It impacted me well into adulthood.

Different from just regular bratty behavior but I often see expectations that a child do great in a new or scary or difficult situation and I don't think that is a healthy or realistic expectation.

I agree with this. I also think it depends if it was a tantrum because of something like not getting to play on your phone or if he was upset he had to get a shot. Some people really have anxiety and phobias about doctor visits and needles. I wouldn’t be able to sit still and be quiet if a spider was crawling up my leg, so I wouldn’t expect a child with a needle phobia to do that when a nurse is coming at him with a needle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s important to make an experience like that as positive as possible. Many people have legit anxiety or fear about the doc office. Usually you can find *something* they are doing well and you can give a compliment about that thing. Often that helps them feel good and in turn they act better. If you can catch them being good and give that compliment it can change things. I think it would have been better just say nothing. What you did was kind of rude to the nurse, who was just trying to be pleasant, and may have been perceived by your kid as shaming. And for what purpose? It’s fine not to give the treat if he didn’t behave well, of course, but pointing out poor behavior in front of the nurse was small and unnecessary, in my opinion.

+1 It was a remarkably unkind and rude response to make to the nurse, and you set a bad example to your child. I think you need to tell him tomorrow (since he's probably gone to bed by now) that you were wrong in how you spoke to the nurse and then apologize to him for setting being rude and setting a bad example. Don't try to explain why you did what you did because then the "justification" completely negates the sincerity of your apology.

I wasn’t rude to the nurse. She was really sweet and nice saying he did great and I just kinda shrugged and said, no he didn’t with a smile. Then looked at him. I had been apologizing to the nurse the whole time as he was fighting and screaming. She knew he acted a fool, why sugar coat it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No you’re not terrible. But if that nurse said “hey kid you were a total turd” you’d be mad at her, right? So she said what she thought most parents want to hear.

As a parent of a kid with major anxiety, I can tell you that no amount of bribes will help during this type of thing. What has helped us was practicing breathing beforehand, having fidgets and favorite lovey s for comfort. And getting through it without letting her dictate how much “longer”
We all had to wait for the needle to come at her. She’s older now and it’s gotten better—no longer tantrums, but is still very nervous at the docs.

This.

What the said was to help normalize the situation for your kid. It would have been the same as saying, it wasn’t that bad.

Even if I didn’t agree with the nurse, I would have kept my yap shut.

[Anonymous]

It wasn't rude to the nurse. I am one. You never know how a parent feels about their kid so better to always be positive to the parent...then go in the back room and vent about the kid!

Nurse didn't care that you said he was acting up when she said he was great.

[Anonymous]

Your child likely has anxiety and you are worried about what people think of your parenting. It all depends on what actually happened and why your child reacted the way he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of children and adults are anxious about the doctor. A nurse is doing her job by making each visit as pleasant as possible.

OP should also keep that in mind. Eventually, her DS will decide for himself whether to go to the doctor or avoid it, based partially on previous experiences.

+100

I’m an RN and I have a completely different perspective, OP... here’s my insight.

My 8 year old FREAKED the F out at the doctors office when her pediatrician told her that she needed to give a blood sample.
My laid back, easy going, non-dramatic kid turned into a lethally trained UFC cage fighter in the blink of an eye.
She fought so hard, it took 3 nurses just to hold her down — she was shaking because she was so utterly terrified.
Like all kids and even most adults, she hates needles with a passion.

It is very, very common for young kids to become anxious at even the thought of the doctors office.

The fear of needles is so real (especially if they’ve become used to getting needles a few times a year from inoculations/vaccines and flu shots) that kids quickly begin to associate doctors appointments with pain and fear (even if you tell them they’re not getting a shot that day, they’ll still think that they really will).

Such a deep fear makes them start to believe that EVERY time they go to a doctors appointment, they’ll have to endure a pain of some sort. Even with reassurances from mom that they’re not going there for that, they will think they are.
It’s an irrational fear that is totally beyond their control at that age.

That fear doesn’t even have to be of needles — just the fear of the unknown is a very real thing for kids (because let’s face it, not a lot of fun things go down at doctors appointments, right?).
Would you be thrilled to be at a place where either pain, uneasiness or discomfort occurs every time you go?
Besides flu shots and vaccines there are a litany of other things such as throat cultures (shoving a stick down their throats when they are in extreme pain), sticking metal objects in their ears when they’re infected and hurt, etc.

Heck, even the annual wellness visits SUCK for kids, I mean think about it... they have to get almost completely undressed in front of people they barely know, they have to sit in a cold room on a cold table with just a thin piece of paper underneath of them, they're getting poked and prodded with cold hands and cold instruments by people they barely know, and it’s just all around SO uncomfortable and awkward for them.

Do any of these situations sound fun for a kid? Uh, definitely not.
Can you think of ANY situation that you’d go to a doctors office for, that’s either fun or would combat such a fear or phobia? I can’t, can you?

You have to remember that these are children that we’re dealing with (and especially at 5) they do NOT have the maturity, coping techniques or communication skills/verbiage to be able to express their fears, anxiety or discomfort to you, not in a way that you’d understand at least . So there’s not only fear and anxiety involved, but frustration too and they react the only way kids know how to.

All kids react differently to an irrational fear, anxiety or frustration; some cry, some scream bloody murder, some go into a quiet trance like state to cope and YES, some throw what appears to be an unruly, out of control temper tantrum that embarrasses you, because you think it makes them appear ”difficult” or “bratty”.
When in reality, these reactions are the only coping mechanisms that they know to express themselves at such a young age.
They don’t even have the right words yet to efficiently express these fears by “using their words” at 5 years old.

The nurse addressed your child this way, because the nurse KNOWS this is what occurred too.
She knows your kid was probably nervous or scared, as she sees this same behavior walk through her door day in and day out, all day, every day.

Did the nurse seem surprised or judgmental by your sons outburst?
Of course not, because she’s used to it from other kids coming in for their appointments too.

If this behavior is out of character from your sons normal day to day persona (like it was for mine) then you know the reasoning for such an out of context outburst, and you should have treated it as being out of the norm for him.
I understand it’s difficult to be patient and understanding in the moment, but please know he’s not doing it just because he felt like being a brat right then.

The last thing you should do after an anxiety or fear fueled outburst, is to tell a child that they were bad or you were disappointed in them, don’t even address them in the moment when both of your emotions are heightened.
After you get home and he’s had a chance to calm down, you should sit him down and ask him why he reacted the way that he did and truly listen to what he has to say (again, this is assuming his tantrum was out of character for him).

Correcting the nurse after she gave him just a little bit of understanding & reassurance was probably embarrassing, upsetting & hurtful for him too.

From my perspective you were a little bit too harsh and that’s not a criticism, it’s just an opinion that you asked for from someone who sees this occur all day, every day from other young children... but the great thing about that, is we always have tomorrow to try again.

I’m sure mine will be an unpopular opinion from those that feel that sparing the rod spoils the child, but I can only go by what I see every day.

Sorry if this became a TL;DR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s important to make an experience like that as positive as possible. Many people have legit anxiety or fear about the doc office. Usually you can find *something* they are doing well and you can give a compliment about that thing. Often that helps them feel good and in turn they act better. If you can catch them being good and give that compliment it can change things. I think it would have been better just say nothing. What you did was kind of rude to the nurse, who was just trying to be pleasant, and may have been perceived by your kid as shaming. And for what purpose? It’s fine not to give the treat if he didn’t behave well, of course, but pointing out poor behavior in front of the nurse was small and unnecessary, in my opinion.

+1 It was a remarkably unkind and rude response to make to the nurse, and you set a bad example to your child. I think you need to tell him tomorrow (since he's probably gone to bed by now) that you were wrong in how you spoke to the nurse and then apologize to him for setting being rude and setting a bad example. Don't try to explain why you did what you did because then the "justification" completely negates the sincerity of your apology.

I wasn’t rude to the nurse. She was really sweet and nice saying he did great and I just kinda shrugged and said, no he didn’t with a smile. Then looked at him. I had been apologizing to the nurse the whole time as he was fighting and screaming. She knew he acted a fool, why sugar coat it?

We obviously have different opinions about what is rude. In my opinion, directly contradicting your child's authority figure is rude. You could have made your point without being rude if you had said "I'm glad you think so. I'm embarrassed by his behavior and I don't think he did 'great'."