Telling your kid they did something or behaved well when they really didn?t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 13 year old (who looks like he’s 6) with complex medical issues, an intellectual disability, and sensory issues. He has to get blood draws every 3 months. He screams and fights everyone each and every time. I simply calmly talk him through it and his reward is going to the elevator afterward and riding it a couple times.

It’s traumatic for him so yes I reward him despite the fact that he screamed and fought the whole time. But it got done. Other routine visits I’d be more discriminating with his rewards depending on how he behaves. My point is, you pick your battles.

BTW - the nurses at Children’s are awesome with him - since we’re regulars they say hi (his first name) each time we walk in and know it’s hard for him yet they are so patient, kind and encouraging to him.

They really are so amazing at Children's.

Every blood draw deserves a chocolate croissant in our house (and there was a time a lot of chocolate croissants were consumed).

I assume you know this but they have a special "traveling" plebotomy team at Children's that specializes in difficult draws. They're sometimes too busy to come but it may be worth asking if your son's draws are traumatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s important to make an experience like that as positive as possible. Many people have legit anxiety or fear about the doc office. Usually you can find *something* they are doing well and you can give a compliment about that thing. Often that helps them feel good and in turn they act better. If you can catch them being good and give that compliment it can change things. I think it would have been better just say nothing. What you did was kind of rude to the nurse, who was just trying to be pleasant, and may have been perceived by your kid as shaming. And for what purpose? It’s fine not to give the treat if he didn’t behave well, of course, but pointing out poor behavior in front of the nurse was small and unnecessary, in my opinion.

+1 It was a remarkably unkind and rude response to make to the nurse, and you set a bad example to your child. I think you need to tell him tomorrow (since he's probably gone to bed by now) that you were wrong in how you spoke to the nurse and then apologize to him for setting being rude and setting a bad example. Don't try to explain why you did what you did because then the "justification" completely negates the sincerity of your apology.

I wasn’t rude to the nurse. She was really sweet and nice saying he did great and I just kinda shrugged and said, no he didn’t with a smile. Then looked at him. I had been apologizing to the nurse the whole time as he was fighting and screaming. She knew he acted a fool, why sugar coat it?

No he did not “act a fool” because he is 5 and also because the phrase would actually be “acted like a fool”.

And the reason you say he did a great job is because you are an adult and not a little kid and you should understand that your need to not be embarrassed doesn’t trump his needs in this situation.

While he was fighting and resisting I bet you were not at all empathetic and said mean things, were overly stern , threatening and so on.

YOU were the problem. You should have put aside your needs and been mature enough to not worry about being embarrassed or needing your kid to comply so you didn’t have to actively parent and comfort him which is what he needed in that moment.

If you had changed your behavior, he would have changed his.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is scared and needs your help. My son is 9 and high anxiety. Our nurse took 30++ minutes to talk him through his last vaccination. I was frazzled and she was chill. I know better than to offer a “reward” to prompt the behavior I’d prefer to see him exhibit during something like this—no way would it happen and it adds exponentially to his stress and anxiety. No matter how things go, we do something fun together afterward. Each Dr visit gets easier and easier. Our Dr says he sees it all the time and tells me the best thing is to just be as calm as possible — don’t bribe or cajole, just be supportive but matter of fact “we are here now and doing this; no it’s not fun, but here we are...”

[Anonymous]

I have a 5 yo also, and she also struggles at the dr-I could not imagine getting angry at her or telling her she was bad. Do you think he was trying to be 'bad' OP?

DD's dr/staff are always so nice and she is getting much better at being there-because they are nice and patient with her, and I'm calm and supportive also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People used to think I was a horrible mother because I would push my kid. If she was doing backwalkovers and she crumbled at the end I'd just say "Do it again," and if I had to say that over and over before she got it right, so be it.

I only compliment when it is deserved.

Boy am I glad my parents didn?t try to coach me when I did gymnastics. You sound toxic.

Nah, DD loved it, which is why I did it. If you want to learn to do something physical, you have to do it over and over again.

Yes, you do. And that's what coaches are for. Parents are to love and support unconditionally, even when practices didn't go well.

*I* was her coach. I could never have afforded gymnastics at a formal place. We would just go to a grassy area at a park.

See, when PP called you a psycho I thought that was harsh but then you kept talking and revealed yourself to truly be psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People used to think I was a horrible mother because I would push my kid. If she was doing backwalkovers and she crumbled at the end I'd just say "Do it again," and if I had to say that over and over before she got it right, so be it.

I only compliment when it is deserved.

Boy am I glad my parents didn?t try to coach me when I did gymnastics. You sound toxic.

Nah, DD loved it, which is why I did it. If you want to learn to do something physical, you have to do it over and over again.

Yes, you do. And that's what coaches are for. Parents are to love and support unconditionally, even when practices didn't go well.

*I* was her coach. I could never have afforded gymnastics at a formal place. We would just go to a grassy area at a park.

See, when PP called you a psycho I thought that was harsh but then you kept talking and revealed yourself to truly be psycho.

Holy moly, I just thought she was a tiger mom and her kids would grow up and raise their kids differently after a lot of therapy.
She IS crazy. Crap. That is scary.