Telling your kid they did something or behaved well when they really didn?t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s important to make an experience like that as positive as possible. Many people have legit anxiety or fear about the doc office. Usually you can find *something* they are doing well and you can give a compliment about that thing. Often that helps them feel good and in turn they act better. If you can catch them being good and give that compliment it can change things. I think it would have been better just say nothing. What you did was kind of rude to the nurse, who was just trying to be pleasant, and may have been perceived by your kid as shaming. And for what purpose? It’s fine not to give the treat if he didn’t behave well, of course, but pointing out poor behavior in front of the nurse was small and unnecessary, in my opinion.

+1 It was a remarkably unkind and rude response to make to the nurse, and you set a bad example to your child. I think you need to tell him tomorrow (since he's probably gone to bed by now) that you were wrong in how you spoke to the nurse and then apologize to him for setting being rude and setting a bad example. Don't try to explain why you did what you did because then the "justification" completely negates the sincerity of your apology.

I wasn’t rude to the nurse. She was really sweet and nice saying he did great and I just kinda shrugged and said, no he didn’t with a smile. Then looked at him. I had been apologizing to the nurse the whole time as he was fighting and screaming. She knew he acted a fool, why sugar coat it?

I love how people who are super rude are told by multiple people they are rude and they repeat their story about being rude then say... see I wasn't rude.

You are rude and you are harsh and your "matter of a fact" ways are not what you think they are. They are rude and cold hearted not teaching your kids to be touch.

[Anonymous]

Meanwhile the nurse is posting on her nurse forums about the mean parent who shamed her 5 year old for having a tough time at the doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s important to make an experience like that as positive as possible. Many people have legit anxiety or fear about the doc office. Usually you can find *something* they are doing well and you can give a compliment about that thing. Often that helps them feel good and in turn they act better. If you can catch them being good and give that compliment it can change things. I think it would have been better just say nothing. What you did was kind of rude to the nurse, who was just trying to be pleasant, and may have been perceived by your kid as shaming. And for what purpose? It’s fine not to give the treat if he didn’t behave well, of course, but pointing out poor behavior in front of the nurse was small and unnecessary, in my opinion.

+1 It was a remarkably unkind and rude response to make to the nurse, and you set a bad example to your child. I think you need to tell him tomorrow (since he's probably gone to bed by now) that you were wrong in how you spoke to the nurse and then apologize to him for setting being rude and setting a bad example. Don't try to explain why you did what you did because then the "justification" completely negates the sincerity of your apology.

I wasn’t rude to the nurse. She was really sweet and nice saying he did great and I just kinda shrugged and said, no he didn’t with a smile. Then looked at him. I had been apologizing to the nurse the whole time as he was fighting and screaming. She knew he acted a fool, why sugar coat it?

Because the nurse knows that kids often misbehave at the doctor's office because they are scared. So they are often trying to be positive and encouraging.

[Anonymous]

I had one super high standard parent - like the gymnastics lady, and one who told me I was the best (even when I wasn't). The former pushed me to be the best I could be and the latter was necessary when I felt badly about myself.

Try to have both for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meanwhile the nurse is posting on her nurse forums about the mean parent who shamed her 5 year old for having a tough time at the doctor.

I hope she is, the OP deserves the shame.
I would love to get a view at that forum and see what they say about the nightmare mothers that these angels have to put up with, like the OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of children and adults are anxious about the doctor. A nurse is doing her job by making each visit as pleasant as possible.

OP should also keep that in mind. Eventually, her DS will decide for himself whether to go to the doctor or avoid it, based partially on previous experiences.

+100

I’m an RN and I have a completely different perspective, OP... here’s my insight.

My 8 year old FREAKED the F out at the doctors office when her pediatrician told her that she needed to give a blood sample.
My laid back, easy going, non-dramatic kid turned into a lethally trained UFC cage fighter in the blink of an eye.
She fought so hard, it took 3 nurses just to hold her down — she was shaking because she was so utterly terrified.
Like all kids and even most adults, she hates needles with a passion.

It is very, very common for young kids to become anxious at even the thought of the doctors office.

The fear of needles is so real (especially if they’ve become used to getting needles a few times a year from inoculations/vaccines and flu shots) that kids quickly begin to associate doctors appointments with pain and fear (even if you tell them they’re not getting a shot that day, they’ll still think that they really will).

Such a deep fear makes them start to believe that EVERY time they go to a doctors appointment, they’ll have to endure a pain of some sort. Even with reassurances from mom that they’re not going there for that, they will think they are.
It’s an irrational fear that is totally beyond their control at that age.

That fear doesn’t even have to be of needles — just the fear of the unknown is a very real thing for kids (because let’s face it, not a lot of fun things go down at doctors appointments, right?).
Would you be thrilled to be at a place where either pain, uneasiness or discomfort occurs every time you go?
Besides flu shots and vaccines there are a litany of other things such as throat cultures (shoving a stick down their throats when they are in extreme pain), sticking metal objects in their ears when they’re infected and hurt, etc.

Heck, even the annual wellness visits SUCK for kids, I mean think about it... they have to get almost completely undressed in front of people they barely know, they have to sit in a cold room on a cold table with just a thin piece of paper underneath of them, they're getting poked and prodded with cold hands and cold instruments by people they barely know, and it’s just all around SO uncomfortable and awkward for them.

Do any of these situations sound fun for a kid? Uh, definitely not.
Can you think of ANY situation that you’d go to a doctors office for, that’s either fun or would combat such a fear or phobia? I can’t, can you?

You have to remember that these are children that we’re dealing with (and especially at 5) they do NOT have the maturity, coping techniques or communication skills/verbiage to be able to express their fears, anxiety or discomfort to you, not in a way that you’d understand at least . So there’s not only fear and anxiety involved, but frustration too and they react the only way kids know how to.

All kids react differently to an irrational fear, anxiety or frustration; some cry, some scream bloody murder, some go into a quiet trance like state to cope and YES, some throw what appears to be an unruly, out of control temper tantrum that embarrasses you, because you think it makes them appear ”difficult” or “bratty”.
When in reality, these reactions are the only coping mechanisms that they know to express themselves at such a young age.
They don’t even have the right words yet to efficiently express these fears by “using their words” at 5 years old.

The nurse addressed your child this way, because the nurse KNOWS this is what occurred too.
She knows your kid was probably nervous or scared, as she sees this same behavior walk through her door day in and day out, all day, every day.

Did the nurse seem surprised or judgmental by your sons outburst?
Of course not, because she’s used to it from other kids coming in for their appointments too.

If this behavior is out of character from your sons normal day to day persona (like it was for mine) then you know the reasoning for such an out of context outburst, and you should have treated it as being out of the norm for him.
I understand it’s difficult to be patient and understanding in the moment, but please know he’s not doing it just because he felt like being a brat right then.

The last thing you should do after an anxiety or fear fueled outburst, is to tell a child that they were bad or you were disappointed in them, don’t even address them in the moment when both of your emotions are heightened.
After you get home and he’s had a chance to calm down, you should sit him down and ask him why he reacted the way that he did and truly listen to what he has to say (again, this is assuming his tantrum was out of character for him).

Correcting the nurse after she gave him just a little bit of understanding & reassurance was probably embarrassing, upsetting & hurtful for him too.

From my perspective you were a little bit too harsh and that’s not a criticism, it’s just an opinion that you asked for from someone who sees this occur all day, every day from other young children... but the great thing about that, is we always have tomorrow to try again.

I’m sure mine will be an unpopular opinion from those that feel that sparing the rod spoils the child, but I can only go by what I see every day.

Sorry if this became a TL;DR.

Wonderfully and perfectly said!
Thank you for typing this all out, however the OP will never get the message as she'd rather argue with us than take a hard look in the mirror and admit what she did was wrong, wrong, wrong.

OP, did you say your *5 year old* was "acting a fool*? Because the only fool in that situation was you... and that nurse knew it.

What kind of parent shames their kid or makes them feel bad for being scared at the doctors??
You're awful OP and I feel terrible for your son.

[Anonymous]

I have one kid who's a perfect patient - even seeing specialists and going through awful stuff - and another kid who's a hot defiant scary mess for any kind of exam. In a situation like that, as a parent, sometimes hearing a professional say something nice reminds me to level-set (just like sometimes when my more difficult kid is annoying the crap out of me, I'll say 'I love you' and... saying it out loud helps to re-set my mood and remind me that... oh yeah, I do!) So maybe next time, say something like 'well, I think we still have more work to do on being a good patient" that's little gentler than 'no' but still acknowledges that... he can do better.

Not fun stuff - sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP ignore the haters. You weren't rude. These are the folks who will wonder why their teenagers are total jerks. You're doing s good job teaching your child while he's young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ignore the haters. You weren't rude. These are the folks who will wonder why their teenagers are total jerks. You're doing s good job teaching your child while he's young.

Some of us HAVE teenagers and no, they aren't jerks. Being upset at the doctor's office and acting out as a little kid does not turn kids in to jerks.

OP, you blew this but I hope you got some experience here and will up your parenting game. You were an ass. Be nicer and more understanding to your kid. He is 5, you are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had one super high standard parent - like the gymnastics lady, and one who told me I was the best (even when I wasn't). The former pushed me to be the best I could be and the latter was necessary when I felt badly about myself.

Try to have both for your child.

NP. Interesting. I wonder which one I should be and which DH should be. I kinda wanna be both. Is that possible?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the RN who said this was embarrassing and hurtful for him. Maybe you can unpack some of your rigidity around having him “behave” well when he’s scared and upset. Are you thinking about him when you bribe or thinking about yourself, and how his behavior reflects on you? He might even be more emotionally regulated in the long run if you stay calm and encouraging when he is melting down.

[Anonymous]

Do people really think the nurse was offended by being contradicted? And that it’s rude to disagree with ‘an authority figure’ in front of their children? That’s crazy talk. Sometimes authority figures are wrong and it’s important to teach your kids to stand up for themselves.

That said, I don’t think it was a kind thing to say about her child. I highly doubt the nurse was offended on her own behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ignore the haters. You weren't rude. These are the folks who will wonder why their teenagers are total jerks. You're doing s good job teaching your child while he's young.

I’m not one to pull this card, but it’s clear you don’t have a kid with anxiety. True fear in a child who has an immature, undeveloped brain is a beast. Yes you can tame it, but it takes years of work during the off times when things aren’t scary to get them to a point where they can handle medical things more easily. I have one kid who is anxious at doctors and one who is not. I also expect manners and chores at hone and hard work at school. My teens are not total jerks. Easy to judge, but try to walk in someone else’s shoes and see it’s not always controllable with a harsh word or punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People used to think I was a horrible mother because I would push my kid. If she was doing backwalkovers and she crumbled at the end I'd just say "Do it again," and if I had to say that over and over before she got it right, so be it.

I only compliment when it is deserved.

Why did you make OP’s post about you?

[Anonymous]

I have a 13 year old (who looks like he’s 6) with complex medical issues, an intellectual disability, and sensory issues. He has to get blood draws every 3 months. He screams and fights everyone each and every time. I simply calmly talk him through it and his reward is going to the elevator afterward and riding it a couple times.

It’s traumatic for him so yes I reward him despite the fact that he screamed and fought the whole time. But it got done. Other routine visits I’d be more discriminating with his rewards depending on how he behaves. My point is, you pick your battles.

BTW - the nurses at Children’s are awesome with him - since we’re regulars they say hi (his first name) each time we walk in and know it’s hard for him yet they are so patient, kind and encouraging to him.