Guilt that won’t subside over having an only

[Anonymous]

You can’t have it both ways. All choices we make mean we necessarily can’t make the ones we didn’t choose. You’re on a path you chose, now it’s time to stop looking behind you. Or, if you TRULY cannot stop thinking about this, consider if you’re wrong that a second would really make you more unhappy than constantly dealing with this guilt would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thinking you have control over your child’s happiness is one of the biggest fallacies of parenting.

This

[Anonymous]

I have an only (sorta by choice, I wanted 2, DH wanted 1, can't split the difference, so 1 it is. He's 13 now and we are all good). Its not that you are overthinking, but that you are letting your negative thoughts have power. You know you have might the right decision, you know you can't control your child's life outcomes, you know only children have wonderful lives. And yet you are indulging in negative thinking, and it hurts your kid. Find a way to stop it.

If your worry about not having a sibling is old age and end of life stuff for you, I understand, but there is lots you can do to make sure your aging isn't too much of a burden on your kid. Save enough for retirement. Buy long term care insurance. Exercise and maintain a healthy weight. And, when the time comes - actually, BEFORE you think the time has come - cheerfully uproot yourself and move to a continuing care community close to your kid. At that point, go all in to make friends and build happiness and meaning outside of your child's life. Make sure your child knows your end of life wishes crystal clearly. Do all that, and your child will be 1000% better off as you age and die than they would have been with siblings but none of the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to say I feel just like you, OP.

I feel the same OP. My only is 7 and I wish so much she had a sibling even though I know it would probably break me to manage a second kid. Its exhausting trying to organize a steady stream of playdates and activities or play with her.The holidays are especially hard. It is my biggest regret that I did not just push through post partum angst and exhuastion and try for a second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only with an only. Your feelings are your feelings, so they are valid. That said, I think you should put some working into getting past this. Even if you had another child, there is no guarantee that the siblings would be close. You and your spouse seem united in making this choice-embrace it. You can build a loving community for your child even if you don't provide a sibling.

I am also an only with an only. I try to look at the positives: lower college expenses, greater freedom to travel, not having to deal with sibling rivalry, etc. I occasionally feel guilty about having an only but then I think of those with no kids and I count my blessings.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child and don't mind it at all. I am very outgoing and have tons of friends groups. I feel like I've made a family out of my friends since I didn't have siblings or cousins. My parents always spent every holiday with me, but that's problematic now that I'm married. My inlaws want to see us too on holidays. I think that's one thing my parents didn't think about with having an only child (although it could happen if you have 2 kids too), that you're on your own for every other Christmas. But maybe other people have nicer inlaws that invite their parents to holidays.

I'm much closer to my parents as an only child, but I did have 3 kids myself.

[Anonymous]

There's pros & cons for having only & more kids. I stretched my limits to have 2, and my 1st child is SN kid. Having 2 kids, the tradeoffs are I risk having my 2nd child is also SN, less savings/more expenses, tension of family relationship, hectic schedules struggling with 2 kids, no vacations, and it also hit badly on my health with 2nd pregnancy (this one was unexpected). I don't regret having 2nd kid but sometimes I also am jealous of family having only 1 kid or 0 kid and they can do/live/travel/spend whatever they want. I think it would always get better once both kids are older & more independent. Right now, I am struggling with 2 kids under 3 every day, between work/daycare/meal time etc. It is tough but I love to see their smiles. They don't really play together yet, but baby is always hyper excited when she sees the older sibling playing with/sitting around her.

[Anonymous]

I am an only child and I never wanted a sibling! I had a wonderful childhood with great parents and lots of friends. My husband is close to one sibling but not the other. A sibling doesn’t guarantee anything at all. Don’t feel guilty!

[Anonymous]

I’m an adult only child. I had a happy childhood and am reasonably close to my parents. Sure it will be a burden when I have to deal with aging parents alone, but plenty of people have bum siblings that don’t help too.

You shouldn’t have another kid. What you should do is -
Manage your weight and stress, take steps to stay mentally and physically healthy longer into old age.
Have a clear will and advanced directive.
Save for retirement.
Be willing to move in retirement to live close to your adult child, even if that means giving up your home or the town and region you have always known. Make the move when you are still young enough to help with grandkids and build a community support system before your health is failing.

What you should not do is put all you financial eggs in one basket by investing in your kid and failing to save for retirement or have appropriate life insurance. What you should not do is refuse to leave your large, older home that needs lots of maintenance and is a plane ride away from your kid until you break a hip or prove yourself mentally incapacitated enough that your kid has to come force you into an assisted living apartment and find you all new doctors on their own and then visit you 5x a week because you don’t know anyone and refuse to even try to make new friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only who has an only and I agree with a lot of PP. I had a happy and positive childhood. Yes I am dealing with some senior issues with my parents, but having a sibling would not have necessarily lessened that issue (i.e. my dad dealt with everything regarding my grandmother, my uncle lived far away and sent some money occasionally). Life with our only is great! We can afford things while also saving for the future. My H and I always enjoyed traveling, last year we did two big trips with our son, and have another one planned for 2020. We encourage relationships with his cousins (my H has two brothers with kids) and have him do playdates or enrichments after school to be with friends. I am so thankful for my family and focus on all the positives I have in my life right now.

[Anonymous]

I was one of three and have two children myself, but I know lots of only children who are perfectly happy. Think your child might want more company from kids his age? Look for ways for him to develop bonds with cousins, neighbors, and family friends. Worried about how he will function alone when you and your spouse die? Do estate planning and save enough money so that you won't be a burden in illness or old age. Give him the tools to develop healthy adult relationships so that he will have friends and possibly a partner who can support him when you and your spouse are ultimately gone. He will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We wanted one child and now we have a delightful three year old. I very much do not want a second child, nor does my spouse. But I still can’t make peace with the fact I’m “letting my child down” by not giving him a sibling. Most families have a reason for an only that’s from necessity, like secondary infertility. We just love our family and feel complete. But I have so much worry that having parents who feel complete and have fulfilled their family planning hopes means nothing when our son is dealing with dying parents alone.

If we had a second we’d end up giving him two unhappy parents, so I know we are doing the right thing for us. But I wish I had more certainty I wasn’t setting him up for a less positive outcome. Am I over thinking this? Happy kids come from all sorts of families, right?

You and your DH are doing the right thing for your family and are on the same page. Mine is an only and totally fine about it (in that it's the only life they've known) - never asked when babies of other families were around, never asked any other time. I think mine is content

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We wanted one child and now we have a delightful three year old. I very much do not want a second child, nor does my spouse. But I still can’t make peace with the fact I’m “letting my child down” by not giving him a sibling. Most families have a reason for an only that’s from necessity, like secondary infertility. We just love our family and feel complete. But I have so much worry that having parents who feel complete and have fulfilled their family planning hopes means nothing when our son is dealing with dying parents alone.

If we had a second we’d end up giving him two unhappy parents, so I know we are doing the right thing for us. But I wish I had more certainty I wasn’t setting him up for a less positive outcome. Am I over thinking this? Happy kids come from all sorts of families, right?

You and your DH are doing the right thing for your family and are on the same page. Mine is an only and totally fine about it (in that it's the only life they've known) - never asked when babies of other families were around, never asked any other time. I think mine is content

Doing the right thing for your family because that's what you both want and are on the same page. Just want to make sure everyone doesn't jump on my comment because they think I'm saying "only one kid is the right thing to do"/.

[Anonymous]

I have several friends that have an only by choice. So many pros. Your house will be way quieter and you and your husband will have a lot more personal free time.

Honestly, it is helpful to have siblings when you deal with your parents getting old. But that's a small slice of time in life. It's one thing your kid won't have in life (a sibling to go through that with), but your kid will have lots of other things. Like no brother or sister to steal their shit or say mean things to them and make them cry!

[Anonymous]

If it helps, my daughter wanted a sibling for awhile, but then she very absolutely did NOT want a sibling. She just had to get used to the idea. There are definite advantages to both scenarios.

Only children never have to share a room, and they can decide which toys to share. They can have playdates and their sports and other activities will always take priority and both parents might be able to attend, vs. having to divide and conquer to do things for two or more kids. They never have to kill time at their siblings' activities. They might get to go on more expensive vacations because there are fewer plane tickets, etc. to buy.

Other than my daughter weirdly wishing she had someone with whom to share a room, she's completely over the sibling thing.