Guilt that won’t subside over having an only

[Anonymous]

You are doing what I did- I sought out other grown-up onlys and asked them what was great or bad about being only— what they thought their parents did right or wrong. I also talked to friends that I know have fallen out with siblings and no longer talk/avoid, including ones that seemed good relationships until the parents got sick. With no guarantees in any scenario, take away all you learn—with the biggest for me was whether have an only or multiple kids, as others have said: have the will, the medical directive and do all your OWN old age plans — so no kid has to arrange that or feel responsible. And LOTS of play dates!

[Anonymous]

NP here. Why do you think you will be unhappy having a second child? I feel so much joy watching my kids (4 and 1.5 years old) play. I’m an only child and I keep thinking I never had this growing up.

I hated being an only child then and now. I was so lonely. It didn’t help that I have a super introverted mom. A lot of ppl say it’s nice for kids to have siblings do that they can play together but for me, I want them to always have each other even when my DH and I are gone. Now, I am dealing with aging parents alone and how I wish I have a brother or sister to share the worries with.

[Anonymous]

First of all your only child won't necessarily be "alone" taking care of you in your old age. They will hopefully have a loving spouse to help them.

I am an only child. Growing up, did I sometimes wish I had siblings? Yes. But I also acknowledge many positives:
- More money and ability to do things with that money (fancy summer camps, lots of travel, Ivy League education fully paid for, downpayment help, inheritance some day in the far far future)
- More time and less stress having to manage only one child
- My parents moved near me to spend time with grandkids during their retirement. It was an easy decision for them, since they have only one set of grandkids. The close relationship my kids have with them is priceless. And, selfishly, I benefit from built-in date night babysitters, dinners dropped off during weeks when work is crazy, etc.

My suggestion to you is to embrace the only life, but do the following:
- Do everything possible to ensure they're close to their cousins. Make the effort to visit frequently
- Let them bring a friend or cousin along on family vacations. It's fun to have another kid to be with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Why do you think you will be unhappy having a second child? I feel so much joy watching my kids (4 and 1.5 years old) play. I’m an only child and I keep thinking I never had this growing up.

I hated being an only child then and now. I was so lonely. It didn’t help that I have a super introverted mom. A lot of ppl say it’s nice for kids to have siblings do that they can play together but for me, I want them to always have each other even when my DH and I are gone. Now, I am dealing with aging parents alone and how I wish I have a brother or sister to share the worries with.

I think that's your biggest problem. Super introverted people should not have kids, IMO. Kids should be allowed to socialize. An only child with sociable parents can have plenty of playdates and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We wanted one child and now we have a delightful three year old. I very much do not want a second child, nor does my spouse. But I still can’t make peace with the fact I’m “letting my child down” by not giving him a sibling. Most families have a reason for an only that’s from necessity, like secondary infertility. We just love our family and feel complete. But I have so much worry that having parents who feel complete and have fulfilled their family planning hopes means nothing when our son is dealing with dying parents alone.

If we had a second we’d end up giving him two unhappy parents, so I know we are doing the right thing for us. But I wish I had more certainty I wasn’t setting him up for a less positive outcome. Am I over thinking this? Happy kids come from all sorts of families, right?

Quit feeling guilty! It sucks to be the unwanted second child.

[Anonymous]

You need to deeply evaluate this statement...

"If we'd had a second, we'd end up giving him two unhappy parents."

Journal or list exactly what you mean by this projection. It may be simple, like you have an illness what a second pregnancy would exacerbate, and this could be where it begins and ends. But seeing it on paper would help you believe in your choice.

On the other hand, when you start this list and realize that you wouldn't actually be unhappy, just forced to be different in some way (better savers, more efficient, etc) you need to then really figure out of you'd be unhappy or just challenged and out of your comfort zone.

I had an only for 8 years and thought I was done. I turned 40 and was lucky enough to have a second. He's changed our world in such amazing ways. And brought happiness, not drained it. Especially for his older brother.

Good luck with this process. It's not an easy one but there is no wrong outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We wanted one child and now we have a delightful three year old. I very much do not want a second child, nor does my spouse. But I still can’t make peace with the fact I’m “letting my child down” by not giving him a sibling. Most families have a reason for an only that’s from necessity, like secondary infertility. We just love our family and feel complete. But I have so much worry that having parents who feel complete and have fulfilled their family planning hopes means nothing when our son is dealing with dying parents alone.

If we had a second we’d end up giving him two unhappy parents, so I know we are doing the right thing for us. But I wish I had more certainty I wasn’t setting him up for a less positive outcome. Am I over thinking this? Happy kids come from all sorts of families, right?

OP, my brother died a few years ago so now I'm the only one left to take care of my parents. We have two close friends who have an only and they are SO happy (the child and the parents). We had twins so ended up with two at once but would have otherwise considered just one. Please don't worry about it. And build a support system for your child. Either blood relatives like cousins or friends who are like aunts/uncles/cousins. My husband's sister is useless, so everything for his parents falls on us (emotionally, financially, logistically). Beyond that, they're not close, so any support he receives when something happens isn't coming from his sibling anyway.

[Anonymous]

Guilt is a completely useless thing, in this case. You have much better ways to invest your energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Why do you think you will be unhappy having a second child? I feel so much joy watching my kids (4 and 1.5 years old) play. I’m an only child and I keep thinking I never had this growing up.

I hated being an only child then and now. I was so lonely. It didn’t help that I have a super introverted mom. A lot of ppl say it’s nice for kids to have siblings do that they can play together but for me, I want them to always have each other even when my DH and I are gone. Now, I am dealing with aging parents alone and how I wish I have a brother or sister to share the worries with.

The grass is always greener. You wish you had a supportive living brother or sister with whom you could share your worries. A lot of people have brothers or sisters and they aren't helpful. So you're wishing for a very specific kind of sibling, not just any sibling. Since there's no telling what kind of sibling OP would give her child, and since she and her husband don't want another one, why on earth would they have one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Why do you think you will be unhappy having a second child? I feel so much joy watching my kids (4 and 1.5 years old) play. I’m an only child and I keep thinking I never had this growing up.

I hated being an only child then and now. I was so lonely. It didn’t help that I have a super introverted mom. A lot of ppl say it’s nice for kids to have siblings do that they can play together but for me, I want them to always have each other even when my DH and I are gone. Now, I am dealing with aging parents alone and how I wish I have a brother or sister to share the worries with.

She thinks she would be unhappy with a second child because she knows herself. You don't know her at all, and you're projecting your own stuff onto her.

BTW, I have siblings and that "share the worries" thing doesn't always work out the way you think it will.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the one child you have really rocked your foundation. I feel like there is a huge spectrum for people - some aren't rocked at all, some families break up, some are able to regain the stability they had before children, some never had a solid foundaiton to begin with. If yours was rocked I can see why you wouldn't want another child.

There is a tremendous amount of pressure especially on women to have children. People don't talk much about all the costs involved or if they do it's framed as a worthwhile sacrifice. It's ok to decide that it's not worthwhile. We live in a society with no support system for raising children. It's relentless, exhausting and stressful. There are tons of headlines in the news lately about how stressed out people are by all the demands of modern life. A child adds to that for potentially 20+ years.

Give yourself permission to grieve, and kudos for knowing your family's limits and respecting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Why do you think you will be unhappy having a second child? I feel so much joy watching my kids (4 and 1.5 years old) play. I’m an only child and I keep thinking I never had this growing up.

I hated being an only child then and now. I was so lonely. It didn’t help that I have a super introverted mom. A lot of ppl say it’s nice for kids to have siblings do that they can play together but for me, I want them to always have each other even when my DH and I are gone. Now, I am dealing with aging parents alone and how I wish I have a brother or sister to share the worries with.

She thinks she would be unhappy with a second child because she knows herself. You don't know her at all, and you're projecting your own stuff onto her.

BTW, I have siblings and that "share the worries" thing doesn't always work out the way you think it will.

I’m not protecting my own stuff to her. I asked her why she thinks she would be unhappy having a second child. Most of the posters on this thread are not only childs. I’m sharing my experience as an unhappy only child. When I meet other only childs, we talked about how lonely we were growing up and how we did not like being the center of our parents attention constantly. To your point about having siblings who are not able to share the worries with, I get that. I hope both my kids would grow up close and there is a 50% chance they won’t be close. But that’s a hell lot more than 0% if my older child does not have a younger brother. I’m envious of my friends now who has siblings and they do things together, travel and just able to share things with. I have never met anyone who wish he/she is like me, an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Why do you think you will be unhappy having a second child? I feel so much joy watching my kids (4 and 1.5 years old) play. I’m an only child and I keep thinking I never had this growing up.

I hated being an only child then and now. I was so lonely. It didn’t help that I have a super introverted mom. A lot of ppl say it’s nice for kids to have siblings do that they can play together but for me, I want them to always have each other even when my DH and I are gone. Now, I am dealing with aging parents alone and how I wish I have a brother or sister to share the worries with.

She thinks she would be unhappy with a second child because she knows herself. You don't know her at all, and you're projecting your own stuff onto her.

BTW, I have siblings and that "share the worries" thing doesn't always work out the way you think it will.

I’m not protecting my own stuff to her. I asked her why she thinks she would be unhappy having a second child. Most of the posters on this thread are not only childs. I’m sharing my experience as an unhappy only child. When I meet other only childs, we talked about how lonely we were growing up and how we did not like being the center of our parents attention constantly. To your point about having siblings who are not able to share the worries with, I get that. I hope both my kids would grow up close and there is a 50% chance they won’t be close. But that’s a hell lot more than 0% if my older child does not have a younger brother. I’m envious of my friends now who has siblings and they do things together, travel and just able to share things with. I have never met anyone who wish he/she is like me, an only child.

I'm sorry you had a tough childhood. However, I can guarantee you that there are people who wish their siblings didn't exist. My husband, mom, and dad know they would have been happier without their siblings. So don't generalize. In many ways, it's easier to not have a sibling than to have a horrible sibling relationship.

[Anonymous]

Happy only child here. One of the behavioral benefits of being an only IMHO is that you develop good friend-making skills from a young age, because you can't take peer company for granted. I moved around a lot because of my parents' work, so I would have been pretty lonely if I didn't get out there.

We have one child and are trying for a second. Because we loved the experience so much. I do occasionally feel pangs of guilt for my daughter, that we're taking something away from her (i.e. our attention and resources) but I really hope she'll like her sibling if we're lucky enough to conceive again. But we are absolutely not having another child for her benefit - her enjoyment of a sibling is not guaranteed!