I never thought I would have to do this - I just paid for my sister's rehab

[Anonymous]

I assume that most people don’t begin their sibling relationship thinking “I’m going to have to pay for this kid’s rehab.” So I think it throws most people for a loop. On the other hand: The stuff behind addiction doesn’t begin overnight. We can usually look back at events and trends in the addicted one’s ES through teen years and see the vulnerable places now as if they were marked with neon signage. Sometimes there’s widespread family dysfunction. My adopted brother was born exposed to substances. He could not self soothe throughout infancy and toddlerhood. By preschool, he had explosive rages and an ED diagnosis by age 5. This continued until he began self-medicating with pot in MS. He fell into harder drugs about 2.5 years ago and detoxed 3x as a prisoner. Another sibling is paying for his rehab without much hope of it lasting lifelong. The goal is to keep him alive through Christmas.

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this from a place of love: go to an Alanon meeting for yourself. You will fond a room full of people who have BTDT and will have some wonderful advice and survival techniques to share.

[Anonymous]

I think I responded to your previous posts since your situation sounds similar to mine. Please try out an Alanon meeting. You're really in the shit now, and you need support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume that most people don’t begin their sibling relationship thinking “I’m going to have to pay for this kid’s rehab.” So I think it throws most people for a loop. On the other hand: The stuff behind addiction doesn’t begin overnight. We can usually look back at events and trends in the addicted one’s ES through teen years and see the vulnerable places now as if they were marked with neon signage. Sometimes there’s widespread family dysfunction. My adopted brother was born exposed to substances. He could not self soothe throughout infancy and toddlerhood. By preschool, he had explosive rages and an ED diagnosis by age 5. This continued until he began self-medicating with pot in MS. He fell into harder drugs about 2.5 years ago and detoxed 3x as a prisoner. Another sibling is paying for his rehab without much hope of it lasting lifelong. The goal is to keep him alive through Christmas.

I'm so sorry about your brother. I do agree with you, but what's hard to reconcile is the dysfunction in my family (I'm not OP) seems so mild, comparatively, to have produced such a damaged, addicted person as my sibling (who also detoxed in prison several times). I want to shake them and ask what was so horrible about our childhood and parents, who have their flaws and dysfunctions but worked so hard to do all the "right" things. Ultimately that's what terrifies me the most - that you can do your best as a parent and still have this happen.

[Anonymous]

$2500 isn't much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume that most people don’t begin their sibling relationship thinking “I’m going to have to pay for this kid’s rehab.” So I think it throws most people for a loop. On the other hand: The stuff behind addiction doesn’t begin overnight. We can usually look back at events and trends in the addicted one’s ES through teen years and see the vulnerable places now as if they were marked with neon signage. Sometimes there’s widespread family dysfunction. My adopted brother was born exposed to substances. He could not self soothe throughout infancy and toddlerhood. By preschool, he had explosive rages and an ED diagnosis by age 5. This continued until he began self-medicating with pot in MS. He fell into harder drugs about 2.5 years ago and detoxed 3x as a prisoner. Another sibling is paying for his rehab without much hope of it lasting lifelong. The goal is to keep him alive through Christmas.

I'm so sorry about your brother. I do agree with you, but what's hard to reconcile is the dysfunction in my family (I'm not OP) seems so mild, comparatively, to have produced such a damaged, addicted person as my sibling (who also detoxed in prison several times). I want to shake them and ask what was so horrible about our childhood and parents, who have their flaws and dysfunctions but worked so hard to do all the "right" things. Ultimately that's what terrifies me the most - that you can do your best as a parent and still have this happen.

For me, because I also have a mentally ill bio sibling as well as my own childhood trauma, it has been key to think less of why I didn’t break if it was so bad and more of what was my sibling equipped to survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$2500 isn't much.

+1 I thought I was going to see an amount 10x this. This is dirt cheap, even for outpatient.

BTDT with a sibling who is a good person, but has major issues. This won't be the last time you have to "save" her. No one person is a statistic, but statistics are not your sister's side. You can't fix someone like your sister, who obviously has major issues (poor choice of husband, addiction...)

I say this not to be negative, but you have to take care of yourself emotionally. Your sibling will continue to break your heart, and you can't save them. Help your sister where you can, but you can't do it at the expense of your own sanity or emotional health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume that most people don’t begin their sibling relationship thinking “I’m going to have to pay for this kid’s rehab.” So I think it throws most people for a loop. On the other hand: The stuff behind addiction doesn’t begin overnight. We can usually look back at events and trends in the addicted one’s ES through teen years and see the vulnerable places now as if they were marked with neon signage. Sometimes there’s widespread family dysfunction. My adopted brother was born exposed to substances. He could not self soothe throughout infancy and toddlerhood. By preschool, he had explosive rages and an ED diagnosis by age 5. This continued until he began self-medicating with pot in MS. He fell into harder drugs about 2.5 years ago and detoxed 3x as a prisoner. Another sibling is paying for his rehab without much hope of it lasting lifelong. The goal is to keep him alive through Christmas.

I'm so sorry about your brother. I do agree with you, but what's hard to reconcile is the dysfunction in my family (I'm not OP) seems so mild, comparatively, to have produced such a damaged, addicted person as my sibling (who also detoxed in prison several times). I want to shake them and ask what was so horrible about our childhood and parents, who have their flaws and dysfunctions but worked so hard to do all the "right" things. Ultimately that's what terrifies me the most - that you can do your best as a parent and still have this happen.

NP, and my sister hasn't detoxed in prison, but her life has been a wreck for many years now. Some of it is her crappy genes, some of it is the alcohol and weed she smoked in HS, some of it is the not obviously dysfunctional but still crazy-making dynamics she has with our parents, plus whatever else. These things are complicated. Our parents think they did their best, and they did, but their best was also pretty problematic for this particular kid (minimal oversight in HS, rewarding her dysfunction, coddling her to the point of eroding her self-esteem). Yeah, things can happen and it's scary, but there are also things that plenty of parents do that aren't bad, per se, but are really off for a given kid. Also, those parents with functional kids also have to thank their lucky stars, to some extent.

[Anonymous]

You either didn't pay the full cost of this rehab or you paid money to something that is not a rehab.

Seconding (thirding?) the above on Al-Anon. I'm sorry; I know this sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You either didn't pay the full cost of this rehab or you paid money to something that is not a rehab.

Seconding (thirding?) the above on Al-Anon. I'm sorry; I know this sucks.

OP here. I agree the amount is not much. She had already paid about $500. She doesn't live in the DMV, it is a mid size city a few hours from here. It is outpatient, I think she goes a few hours a day to check in with doctors and do some group and individual therapy. It is for 30 days. I did research online regarding this place so it is a real rehab center, but whether it works or is the best one I don't know. I do know because of her job (she works at the main hospital in her city) she is super paranoid and worried about people from work finding out and then her losing her job or never getting a new one should she need to do that. I explained to her that addiction is protected under the ADA and that under HIPPA her employer cannot look at her medical records, but she won't budge. She doesn't want to go through her insurance (which requires in patient in order to pay). So perhaps this was a center she thought no one from her hospital would find out about, I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Chiming in with the rest to suggest going to someplace like Al-Anon. I feel your pain. I lost my younger brother to substance abuse and, as shitty as it sounds, my life is a lot better since he OD'd. I nearly crushed me to cut contact but I had to keep myself above water. What a shitty choice to have to make. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. It never stops. I just paid off Mother’s funeral, brother’s funeral, paying monthly for disabled sister’s medical care. Someone has to do it, and I guess I am that someone. Neither sibling ever did one thing for me in their entire lives. Mom was a sweetheart.

Sorry for the loss of your Mom.

Thank you. I really appreciate that kind thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You either didn't pay the full cost of this rehab or you paid money to something that is not a rehab.

Seconding (thirding?) the above on Al-Anon. I'm sorry; I know this sucks.

OP here. I agree the amount is not much. She had already paid about $500. She doesn't live in the DMV, it is a mid size city a few hours from here. It is outpatient, I think she goes a few hours a day to check in with doctors and do some group and individual therapy. It is for 30 days. I did research online regarding this place so it is a real rehab center, but whether it works or is the best one I don't know. I do know because of her job (she works at the main hospital in her city) she is super paranoid and worried about people from work finding out and then her losing her job or never getting a new one should she need to do that. I explained to her that addiction is protected under the ADA and that under HIPPA her employer cannot look at her medical records, but she won't budge. She doesn't want to go through her insurance (which requires in patient in order to pay). So perhaps this was a center she thought no one from her hospital would find out about, I don't know.

Its great of you to help but I wonder how good it is for that price.

[Anonymous]

I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

Pat yourself on the back? I’m not getting that from OP at all. Why be nasty?