I never thought I would have to do this - I just paid for my sister's rehab

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

Pat yourself on the back? I’m not getting that from OP at all. Why be nasty?

Funny! I'm not being nasty. Have you dealt with addiction. Have you been through Alanon?

You sound super naive.

OP is in for a long hard road and it is longer and longer the more you let people use you.

[Anonymous]

OP, your focus on the kids is a good one. Are you in a position to host them for a while? It’s an option to consider if possible if / when your sister faces another crisis. Also if possible always let the kids know they can come to you if needed. Even if they never do, it can be a huge source of support for them to know you are there for them.

[Anonymous]

Is this in the dmv? I feel like here is an unspoken alcohol issue in many families here, and drugs too. One of my friends can't drive without the breathalyzer in her car, she did in patient rehab in a state far from here, I suppose so people won't know. She is still a mess, now on amphetamines that are prescribed. At first look, she has everything, and then she has nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

Pat yourself on the back? I’m not getting that from OP at all. Why be nasty?

Funny! I'm not being nasty. Have you dealt with addiction. Have you been through Alanon?

You sound super naive.

OP is in for a long hard road and it is longer and longer the more you let people use you.

DP, but professional therapists don't specialize in Al-Anon. That's an incredibly naive comment. They might refer people there, but they do individual therapy separately (which I absolutely recommend and which can be incredibly supportive for a sibling like OP). The cost is low, but if in a low cost of living area it may be in line for intensive outpatient (IOP). People are reacting to OP calling it rehab, but it's really IOP from what s/he's described.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

You are completely off base here. Paying directly for a sibling’s rehab is not codependent. Giving her cash to pay for rent while knowing her sibling would use it to buy pills or booze? Sure. Paying for her third stint at out-patient when it’s clear out-patient isn’t working? Yep. But paying for one stint of out-patient rehab to give her sister an opportunity at sobriety is not enabling her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

Pat yourself on the back? I’m not getting that from OP at all. Why be nasty?

Funny! I'm not being nasty. Have you dealt with addiction. Have you been through Alanon?

You sound super naive.

OP is in for a long hard road and it is longer and longer the more you let people use you.

DP, but professional therapists don't specialize in Al-Anon. That's an incredibly naive comment. They might refer people there, but they do individual therapy separately (which I absolutely recommend and which can be incredibly supportive for a sibling like OP). The cost is low, but if in a low cost of living area it may be in line for intensive outpatient (IOP). People are reacting to OP calling it rehab, but it's really IOP from what s/he's described.

They do specialize in addiction from the family perspective. Of course OP is not attune to all the buzz words in the addiction world and she would understand Al-anon... she also knows he sister is rehabbing... she doesn't need to know right now that outpatient treatment is not really called rehab... this is not a exam.

There is a place in Montgomery County that sounds like the place her sister is going https://www.kolmac.com/helping-a-loved-one/.

There is a section fro "loved ones" and possibly you can get a recommendation for an individual therapist that understand Al-anon or as DP is insistent on calling individual therapy to understand family members with addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

You are completely off base here. Paying directly for a sibling’s rehab is not codependent. Giving her cash to pay for rent while knowing her sibling would use it to buy pills or booze? Sure. Paying for her third stint at out-patient when it’s clear out-patient isn’t working? Yep. But paying for one stint of out-patient rehab to give her sister an opportunity at sobriety is not enabling her.

When the sister has insurance and is refusing to use it for reasons that don’t have anything to do with reality—yes, it’s a kind of enabling. Not the worst kind, but a kind.

OP, community-based/outpatient rehab can be just as effective as inpatient (if not more), so despite the seemingly anomalous price, it may be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

You are completely off base here. Paying directly for a sibling’s rehab is not codependent. Giving her cash to pay for rent while knowing her sibling would use it to buy pills or booze? Sure. Paying for her third stint at out-patient when it’s clear out-patient isn’t working? Yep. But paying for one stint of out-patient rehab to give her sister an opportunity at sobriety is not enabling her.

Her sister is an adult and an adult with money. OP didn't need to pay, but she did anyway which clearly points to a codependent type of relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP I think it's very generous of you to pay for the rehab.

There's no "right" or "wrong" or "have to" here. You and your DH have to set up boundaries you feel okay about based on your values (which include loving your sister and her kids) and your financial/life situation, and keep checking in as things progress. There's no "right" way to handle such a shitty situation.

I do agree with the others that since you paid, you're part of this rehab journey now. I think you should see if they have any available family counseling and try to follow their advice on how to support her (including what not to do) as least as long as your sister is sticking with the program and you feel like it's not a scam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

You are completely off base here. Paying directly for a sibling’s rehab is not codependent. Giving her cash to pay for rent while knowing her sibling would use it to buy pills or booze? Sure. Paying for her third stint at out-patient when it’s clear out-patient isn’t working? Yep. But paying for one stint of out-patient rehab to give her sister an opportunity at sobriety is not enabling her.

NP here. Op is being codependent. OP you need alanon. Sister isn't really committed to this and you've probably just thrown your money away. Why are you responsible for fixing this. You can't rescue your sister. You can't rescue your parents.

You need alanon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

Pat yourself on the back? I’m not getting that from OP at all. Why be nasty?

You don't get it. You really don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you did the right thing. I would make it clear this is a one time offer and she better take it seriously. And I would stick to that.

+1


My brother went through residential rehab 5 times, never stayed sober for more than a few months after. In this case my parents paid. I do think the fact he knew they would always fork over the money, no matter how many times he relapsed, minimized his incentive to stay on the wagon. He ended up dabbling in drugs and died of an accidental overdose after combining pills and booze. My parents question whether they did the right thing but couldn't stomach the thought of what could happen to him if they cut him off.

You were lucky that he overdosed. I say it with all compassion. My BIL.is so far gone that it is hard. Violent, pooping all over the bed, giving money to prostitutes who are drugging h
im. I wish he dies because my ILd

I’m not judging. My uncle died of an overdose many years ago. My mom said it was for the best because she knew he’d never get better. She said eventually he’d show up at our door and it would break her heart to turn him away but she couldn’t expose her child (me) to the life of an addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

Pat yourself on the back? I’m not getting that from OP at all. Why be nasty?

Funny! I'm not being nasty. Have you dealt with addiction. Have you been through Alanon?

You sound super naive.

OP is in for a long hard road and it is longer and longer the more you let people use you.

DP, but professional therapists don't specialize in Al-Anon. That's an incredibly naive comment. They might refer people there, but they do individual therapy separately (which I absolutely recommend and which can be incredibly supportive for a sibling like OP). The cost is low, but if in a low cost of living area it may be in line for intensive outpatient (IOP). People are reacting to OP calling it rehab, but it's really IOP from what s/he's described.

They do specialize in addiction from the family perspective. Of course OP is not attune to all the buzz words in the addiction world and she would understand Al-anon... she also knows he sister is rehabbing... she doesn't need to know right now that outpatient treatment is not really called rehab... this is not a exam.

There is a place in Montgomery County that sounds like the place her sister is going https://www.kolmac.com/helping-a-loved-one/.

There is a section fro "loved ones" and possibly you can get a recommendation for an individual therapist that understand Al-anon or as DP is insistent on calling individual therapy to understand family members with addiction.

Your tone is very mean-spirited. Words matter; OP would have gotten more useful responses--or, at least, prevented a lot of the "that's SO CHEAP for rehab" if she described it as IOP from the outset. Part of the reason addiction is so stigmatized is that people throw around words like "addict" and also because they're completely all or nothing about how best to support (*not* enable) a loved one struggling with addiction. Al-Anon is one approach, and it's helped a lot of people. But it's only one approach. I agree that the OP should find an individual therapist who can support *her* as she navigates this process. Whether she goes to Al-Anon and what she takes from it are up to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you love your sister but paying for her rehab is totally codependent behavior.

I know you want to pat yourself on the back for paying the money but it doesn’t matter if it’s $1 or $10K ... you saving her is a toxic move.

I’m not going to convince you of this on DCUM.

See a therapist who specializes in ALANON.

It would take a whole day to explain this to you.

You are completely off base here. Paying directly for a sibling’s rehab is not codependent. Giving her cash to pay for rent while knowing her sibling would use it to buy pills or booze? Sure. Paying for her third stint at out-patient when it’s clear out-patient isn’t working? Yep. But paying for one stint of out-patient rehab to give her sister an opportunity at sobriety is not enabling her.

Amen!

[Anonymous]

You tell her you have made an investment in her and you hope she takes it damn well seriously not just because you put yourself out for her, but because she has a job and kids who deserve the best from her, not a half-hearted attempt to get well. Check in throughout the 30 days.