Is this a dealbreaker?

[Anonymous]

I'd suggest counseling so his habit doesn't financially break you. Cause it very well could. And yes, being frivolous with the household money would be a dealbreaker for me (and my partner is an incredibly generous person) because my financial stability is important to me.

[Anonymous]

His generosity is allowing money to stay in the bank accounts of others, for them to enjoy. While leaving your family with less to get by on. Imagine if all the money he gave away had been invested for college funds for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Ugh OP, this is absolutely an issue! It's not $100...1k is a lot! It really says more about the people who take advantage of his generosity.

Be the bad cop. Tell him to send an email to the group that owes with a deadline of Friday transfer to his Venmo or whatever. I'd leave it at that, If it makes him uncomfortable, tell him to blame you, Wife insists on repay, junior needs braces soon. Or he expenses it through his company, if this is a work related tab.

My DS 16 is your husband in the making. I have had battles with him since ES trying to teach him that while it's fine to front 10 bucks here and there, kids take advantage of his generosity.

[Anonymous]

Not something I'd leave over

[Anonymous]

This would drive me crazy. If it was say, $1000/yr total, I wouldn’t mind but it sounds like it is much more frequent than that, and adding up to a lot?

If it were my DH, I’d sit him down and have a talk. I’d ask him to either (1) STOP fronting $$ this way- EVER (2) follow through on recouping costs, or (3) the $$ spent on this needs to come from HIS budget- meaning eliminating other costs like cable tv, golf fees, gym membership, whatever he spends personal $ on. He could take his pick of the 3 options but must choose one. It isn’t fair that he is blowing family $ on this stuff so often- $ that rightfully belongs to the family/kids/you as well- not just him.

If he agreed that this stops NOW I’d tell him I 100% forgive him for the past $ spent, but NO MORE.

As an aside I find the whole scenario quite odd- i can’t remember the last time either DH or I had to put up $$ for anything and collect on the back end...and we socialize a fair amount and both do some volunteer work etc. We both occasionally treat friends or pick up a tab but others tend to reciprocate. And if they don’t that is fine..but these are not large $ amounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh OP, this is absolutely an issue! It's not $100...1k is a lot! It really says more about the people who take advantage of his generosity.

Be the bad cop. Tell him to send an email to the group that owes with a deadline of Friday transfer to his Venmo or whatever. I'd leave it at that, If it makes him uncomfortable, tell him to blame you, Wife insists on repay, junior needs braces soon. Or he expenses it through his company, if this is a work related tab.

My DS 16 is your husband in the making. I have had battles with him since ES trying to teach him that while it's fine to front 10 bucks here and there, kids take advantage of his generosity.

I agree with this- people need reminders and a deadline should get results! If he doesn’t like doing that, he needs to stop putting himself in this situation

[Anonymous]

What other reasons do you want to leave him? There has to be more than just this ...

[Anonymous]

You would leave over this? What?! That is insane.

[Anonymous]

My husband is like this. Considering a divorce over it is seriously insane. Take opportunities to coach him through it. For example my husband would pay up front for group vacations a lot. Then people would back out etc leaving us holding the bag. Through years of coaching I've gotten him to step back and collect first before doing the full payment for everyone. It's not perfect but he's come a long way. He's a generous person by nature so it's really just helping to frame it as you can still help and be generous but also look out for your family.

[Anonymous]

Need more information. How much per year does this add up to? What is your HHI? Are these work-related expenses, social/friends or is it related to a professional association?

[Anonymous]

Thank him for being a very generous guy but show him the numbers that say you can’t afford it. He needs to get Hs friends to step up with CC’s. If you are ready to leave him over something like this then you are the one with a bigger problem.

[Anonymous]

Your dealbreaker isn't the fact that he's a nice guy, it's that you consider him fiscally irresponsible. Have you even had that conversation? Talk to him about how his generosity affects your household finances?

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him directly not to do it, or only if you both agree to it in advance?

[Anonymous]

You could separate your finances or set rules together.

I wouldn't divorce over this.

His people-pleasing is a double edged sword and probably one of the things that really attracted you to him. It's got to benefit you often in other contexts. This is the trade off.

[Anonymous]

My problem with this situation is that op's husband is placing her in the role of bad cop. The responses on the first page bear this out. Op is not wrong for wanting to hang onto money that is meant for her family to do anything they want, save it, have fun with it, go on a trip, go out on a nice date... the list is endless.

My husband used to be like yours. It was heartbreaking to see how hurt he was when people were interested in him only for his wallet. I got very tired of having my character called into question because I wasn't on board with his generosity. I got tired of wondering if he'd ever collect. A few of the people he fronted money to truly frightened me, they lashed out, they hung around our house, they weren't people I wanted to associate with based on how they treated me. I feared for my husband's safety, I was truly worried one of his "friends" would hurt him. People who want money and who won't use regular lending institutions are scary.

Had we not had a come-to-Jesus meeting on this topic, I truly believe we'd have divorced. I am not a money lender, nor do I want to be one. I don't have the physical and legal security of a bank. I don't have the authority to collect, nor do I want to get involved in a small claims court situation, or several in order to get paid back. Know that many people will use "harassment" as a basis for legal action when you are trying to collect. I don't want to be married to a man who has a restraining order out on him because he's trying to collect from someone who wants to misuse the legal system. It literally isn't worth the $$ to me.

People who owe you money will always rationalize as to why they can't or won't pay you back... "I thought it was a gift" "you have more then I do" "Be a good Christian and let it go" "I'll get it to you" the excuses are endless. The time spent trying to collect can put a pall on everything you may be doing or feeling.

You do need to tell your husband how you feel. Divorce won't solve all your problems, and only you can decide if this problem is one that divorce might solve. It very well could, if only because your money and reputation would no longer be tied to your husband. For me, I got tired of associating with people who were only interested in my husband because of his willingness to spread his wallet.

In our case, we stayed together, and he has stopped fronting money. We had to make some real changes and here's what they are.
We only do volunteer activities when we are together. This way the organizations know us as a couple. We go on date nights, my husband has finally figured out that it's a better value and more fun to spend money on us as a couple then random people who may or may not pay you back. We talked, and I learned some things about his growing up years that helped me to understand why he felt fronting money was a good idea. I am not ok with him doing it, I never was, but at least I understand what his experiences and thought processes were.