Is this a dealbreaker?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I’ll try to be as concise as possible. My husband tends to be the guy who says, “Put it on my CC. You guys can pay me back later.” Only people know he won’t bother them for repayment, and will only nudge them for the money they owe. This results in it taking forever for people to get around to repaying him. Nobody ever has enough to Venmo or PayPal, etc. And he keeps going back!
There was the time when he was at a weeklong conference. He covered $500 for the group, who said they’d pay him back. He never recouped all his money before they all split town. Then there was the time he used his Vista Print account to pay for a $200 banner for a group he belongs to. It took months for him to get the $10 from each person. Now, $2000 in swag for a charity event. Everyone said they’d pay him back. He’s gotten $1000, but has zero fire lit under his ass to recoup the rest. It’s like he’s the ultimate people pleaser. The group knows nobody wants to pay up, so nobody wants to place the order on their CC. So good ole Bob, he will do it! And no need to rush paying him back, he said, “whenever you get it to me is good”. I’d say he usually recoups 90% of the money, and says “it’s fine”. Take one for the team. I’m ready to leave over this. Somebody talk me down. Give me advice on how to handle this! My husband is the ultimate pushover in this department and I can’t anymore. |
Anonymous
| Well then he shouldn't mind paying you in the divorce. Congrats |
Anonymous
| Not enough context here. How big are these amounts in relation to household income, budget, etc.? |
Anonymous
|
So you take over those situations.
"Hey - we all know my wonderful hubby (or whatever he is) will never collect. How about if we all just split this now." or "Hey - how about if someone else fronts this time." etc... I wouldn't consider this a dealbreaker - I'd consider it a charmingly generous trait. And I'd also want to find a way to help rein it in sometimes. |
Anonymous
|
None of these things really impact you.
If you would leave him over this, then he deserves better anyway. |
Anonymous
It impacts OUR bank account. Right now, I just paid for that $1000 out of OUR bank account. Maybe we will see that money again, maybe he will say “it’s fine” again. Time will tell. Maybe $1000 isn’t a lot for you, but it is for us. We are paying out the ears in childcare and other expenses right now. To be short $1000 for the unforeseeable future is a bit of a hardship. |
Anonymous
I’m not involved in his group or his co-workers. |
Anonymous
|
Did he grow up poor? This is a very common trait for
those who grew up poor in section 8 housing. I know of 2 different men who both grew up poor who are overly generous in their neighborhoods to those in need. If someone needs a battery for the car they buy the battery and tell the recipient they can pay back later. Again, this is very common for those who grew up poor or currently live in poor neighborhoods. If the donor has a bit of money they help out their fellow man. This is not something to divorce over. He is not gambling away your life savings or spending all of your savings on porn. Clearly it needs to be reigned in. I'd suggest several counseling sessions to talk it over with a counselor. In the big picture of life this is minor and not something to divorce over. |
Anonymous
| OP, that's a tough one. I get a sick feeling in my stomach just reading about this. I don't know how you solve this problem. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Have you spent time together going over your finances? Making a budget? Do you have common financial goals for the future--retirement, college savings, vacation travel? It might help if he can see how his generosity impinges on your family finances. |
Anonymous
| Does he do the finances for your family? If not, it’s time to sit down together, weekly and do the budget so he sees why this is so irritating for you. I agree that divorcing over this seems very unreasonable, but I definitely understand why you’re so frustrated! Maybe you can come to an agreement that he only covers people who immediately cash app or Venmo or pay cash the payment, and if everyone doesn’t do that, then he doesn’t pay. |
Anonymous
|
I wouldn’t leave him over this if you are getting back 90%. Unless he is racking up dept over it and incurring interest on that dept or you it is putting you in a hardship beyond the mental anguish it causes you.
You don’t specify what kind of group he is in, but perhaps he can become the treasurer of sorts, even if unofficial, and ask for a set dues amount every yr to cover the incidental spending. |
Anonymous
|
Discuss finances with him. If he still doesn’t get it, Maybe one day if he likes something cooked or a meal he so looks forward to, make a plan to go to it but on the day itself. Say maybe we have to cancel it. Tell him “Oops sorry no can do. We better save because our bills are $xxx.” It will hit home when his stomach is not fulfilled.
Though if you leave him over this, it also means that you don’t cherish the marriage anyway. So not sure how much you have already done or not done for him. Putting in effort in the marriage is a two way street. |
Anonymous
|
You're ready to leave your husband over being essentially like a generous person?
Is this dramatically and negatively impacting the family finances? |
Anonymous
|
most of it sounds work related - conferences and banners. He should be reimbursed by work.
If this really impacts your budget and bottom line (you say he gets about 90% back eventually) then address where it is hitting you - you had to move money from savings to pay daycare because there wasn't enough money in the account because of what he spent. Show him where this is effecting you, Or since you know he does it and it is just part of his generous personality and he gets 90% of it back, then maybe work a slush fund into the budget that he can spend and when it gets refilled from people paying it back, he can spend it again |