Am I just chump-change with this cheapskate?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP - this sounds really annoying and frustrating. I have some questions for you:

- Do you want to stay with him? Like do you find this relationship fulfilling but this part of it irritating, or are you just fed up and ready to go?

- Do you feel like this money stuff is indicative of a larger issue in the relationship? Like do you feel that after 15 years together, you are still essentially not functioning as a couple or a team in the way you'd want or expect? Or is the money thing its own discrete issue?

- Would talking help? It sounds like in all these years, you haven't really sat him down and told him how you feel about this money stuff. Do you think that it could be productive to have some conversations, or do you feel as if that wouldn't help?

[Anonymous]

Guy here. You dont' seem to be expressing your feelings to him. Sit down and tell him you want to pay $X for Y and the reason why. He just gives you an invoice and you blindly accept it? He assumes you're fine with it.

Counseling may help on the communication issues.

[Anonymous]

Plus, I can’t imagine paying my own way when I agree to travel with a man. He *loves* feeling like Mr. Special with me next to him. Most man want that.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be so quick to leave him without some very pointed and blunt conversations. I would assess the relationship based on his reaction to the conversations.

I would set up some spreadsheets of my own detailing his contribution to expenses when he lived in your house, vs. your contribution in your house. Then, I would have an overhead projector that shows, line for line, what he is expecting you to pay in his home, vs. what he paid in your home. You could also tally what he paid, percentage wise, of the total household expenses when he lived with you, and show that in a bright color on the overhead projector, along with what he expects you to pay now. Maybe go to a financial advisor and pay a few hundred dollars for assistance in coming up with all the necessary numbers.

Then ask him what is his big idea.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would follow up the above conversation with telling him that he should not expect you to pay for taxes, utilities, etc., until the numbers are evened out. For example, you paid xyz over 10 years for electricity. He paid nothing. Now, he should not expect you to pay for electricity until his expenses have reached the same level, plus you should throw in a modest level in interest of 5% or so, which is what you might have been modestly earned if you had placed that amount in an investment instead of paying his share of electricity. And on down the line with the additional expenses, including groceries if you paid for those. I would not include the household goods into these equations. Once your savings equal what he saved in not carrying his weight (plus a modest interest) for all those years, then you can begin paying half-half.

See how he reacts to that. See if he squawks and refuses to go along with what to me is a fair financial transaction. If he refuses to go along with this arrangement until the amounts are evened so you both enjoy equal savings, I would then go to step 2, which would be to re-evaluate the relationship. If you leave him, take all the household items that you paid for, or charge him what they cost you if he wants to keep some of the stuff.

Maybe he doesn't realize how uneven it all is, and needs to have it spelled out for him?

If you were married, you would pool your resources, wouldn't you? If you're not married, why is he not willing to pool his resources with yours? If he should die before you do, who is going to get his assets - his daughter? That is fair enough, but will that leave you in the lurch? Housing is going up, up, up. Will you be able to acquire appropriate housing for yourself, if you have to move out of his property so his daughter can inherit it? I would be discussing this subject with a lawyer who has a really solid background in finance and who can help you think of all the ins and outs of an arrangement like the one you have with your SO.

[Anonymous]

If he isn't willing to marry you and treat you as a spouse, you've given him enough time and you are not his priority. Move out. My sibling has been in two relationships like that. They were using her for companionship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. You dont' seem to be expressing your feelings to him. Sit down and tell him you want to pay $X for Y and the reason why. He just gives you an invoice and you blindly accept it? He assumes you're fine with it.

Counseling may help on the communication issues.

This isn't a relationship. Counseling will not help. He's a selfish jerk.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are nuts. If he loved you, he wouldn't use you like this.

Get a lovely place to live, plan a time to move out all your furnishings and items when he is at work, and let him enjoy his empty home. Life is too short!

[Anonymous]

To answer your question, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move out. There is absolutely no reason to muddy your finances and your ability to think clearly about the overall situation while you sort this out.

You aren't married, and you don't have children together. You can still spend as much time as you want together, but there is psychologically something very different about having your own space. As you said, you can do it for the same amount you are paying now, and better for you in many ways.

I suspect there haven't been many really productive conversations between the two of you about how things work in the relationship, practically speaking. It's probably time to set it up so that can happen -- or not, if he isn't willing. That's useful information, too.

+1

It seems like he is the kind of person who isn't very generous with his heart or his money when it comes to you. It's been 15 years -- you are both getting something out of this "relationship" -- but it's not what YOU want or need. I think you want to be valued for more than your financial contributions to the mortgage. You may be getting companionship, but you are not getting genuine care from this person. He seems stingy. I believe that he has given what he is capable of giving. He is not capable of really caring for you on the same level as he cares for himself. That is the foundation of marriage and commitment -- that you consider the well-being of the other person as equal to your own.

I agree that you should find another place to live. You can still see him for companionship. But, when you move out and have your own space, you will probably find that you are ready for more from a partner.

[Anonymous]

“Guy here. You dont' seem to be expressing your feelings to him. Sit down and tell him you want to pay $X for Y and the reason why. He just gives you an invoice and you blindly accept it? He assumes you're fine with it.”

Woman here and I agree with this. Sounds like you guys have never done the hard work of figuring out how to communicate and compromise. So you just went along and let the resentment build up? I don’t see this being about making spreadsheets about who paid what; it’s about understanding where you’re each coming from and working to figure out what’s right for both of you.

[Anonymous]

You should read the Joy luck club. One of the daughters is married to a man like your husband. She’s ashamed when her mother comes to visit and sees how she’s being treated.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he is treating you appallingly. The 1/2 the principal thing was crazy and was your red flag. I can't believe you have let him get away with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move out. There is absolutely no reason to muddy your finances and your ability to think clearly about the overall situation while you sort this out.

You aren't married, and you don't have children together. You can still spend as much time as you want together, but there is psychologically something very different about having your own space. As you said, you can do it for the same amount you are paying now, and better for you in many ways.

I suspect there haven't been many really productive conversations between the two of you about how things work in the relationship, practically speaking. It's probably time to set it up so that can happen -- or not, if he isn't willing. That's useful information, too.

+1

It seems like he is the kind of person who isn't very generous with his heart or his money when it comes to you. It's been 15 years -- you are both getting something out of this "relationship" -- but it's not what YOU want or need. I think you want to be valued for more than your financial contributions to the mortgage. You may be getting companionship, but you are not getting genuine care from this person. He seems stingy. I believe that he has given what he is capable of giving. He is not capable of really caring for you on the same level as he cares for himself. That is the foundation of marriage and commitment -- that you consider the well-being of the other person as equal to your own.

I agree that you should find another place to live. You can still see him for companionship. But, when you move out and have your own space, you will probably find that you are ready for more from a partner.

DO NOT PAY him anything while you look for a place to live.

[Anonymous]

Are you in a common law marriage state? Perhaps you are already married and own half of that house you have been paying for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you in a common law marriage state? Perhaps you are already married and own half of that house you have been paying for?

Yep. Check on this, in many states you would be considered married at this point. Create your own spreadsheet, with all the expenses you have been paying for and divide it down the middle, if you want. And talk to him about it.

Personally, I would agree to continue to be in a relationship if you still love him, but move out and be 100% financially independent, once you figure out how much ownership you have of the house.