Am I just chump-change with this cheapskate?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my significant other (SO) for 15 years. He had been divorced several years when I met him and was living in his own apartment. He had a minor daughter (at that time) who lived with her mother.

When we met, it seemed we had similar values towards money, which means working for what you wanted, saving for the future, not spending lavishly, etc. As our relationship progressed, we split things fairly evenly – we each paid our own share of our joint vacations, traded off picking up the tab at dinner, spent about the same amount on gifts for each other, etc.

After a year of dating we decided to live together. At the time, my SO was renting an apartment for over $2000 per month. We talked about it and we decided he would move into my home which I had purchased years prior to meeting him. At that time, he still had a minor daughter.

He had asked me what my detailed mortgage was and said he would be willing to pay me half the principal amount (NOT including interest, taxes and insurance) which was about $800. Of course, this amount did NOT include utilities.

Obviously, any improvements or maintenance to the home was mine since I owned it (including new roof, HVAC, etc.) which I paid for fully. I had no problem paying all my bills on my own but I knew that splitting living expenses was of financial benefit to me, too. We keep our finances completely separate and have no joint accounts together.

We both made the same amount of money over the years, although he did still have child support he had to pay initially. I took that into consideration and I didn’t press him about the extra I was going to be paying in living expenses (utilities) every month.

When his daughter (SD) turned 21 child support was supposed to end. I thought this would be a good time to re-assess our living expenses. However, my SO told me he had decided to voluntarily provide SD $1,000 per month until she turned 23. She was still going to college and didn’t work, but wanted her own apartment (no roommates) so my SO agreed to subsidize it along with his ex-wife.

Meanwhile, SO is still giving me $800 per month. With utilities, my total expenses were well over $2300 per month. He was getting a bargain IMO. I did tell him that I was picking up quite a bit extra in monthly expenses but he countered by saying that I was building equity in my home. He failed to address the fact that I would still be getting the same equity if he weren’t living there, however. Nor did he get an increase of any sort for all the new improvements I made to the home over the years, which he enjoyed the use of. This is where I wish I had a crystal ball and could go back in time.

Fast forward to now. We have moved to a different area and live in a house owned by my SO. He initially had a mortgage and I paid half that amount (which INCLUDED his interest, taxes and insurance) PLUS half the utilities. (FYI, he is still working full-time and I am now semi-retired but earning much less than him.)

He recently paid off the mortgage. When I asked to adjust the amount I’m paying him now there is no mortgage, he left a spread sheet on my desk which included half his taxes, insurance, utilities and also included half the landscaping/lawn maintenance divided into a monthly amount. He highlighted it in neon and it was literally down to the odd dollar. Didn’t discuss it, just left it on my desk like it was a bill.

In this real estate market for the amount I am paying him to live in his house I could easily buy my own home and pay the same amount. A much different scenario than being in the high-cost DC area where he was able to live comfortably for $800 per month, all inclusive, for more than 10 years.

We still pay our own way for vacations, meals out, and activities. However, he has never (and still doesn’t) purchase any household goods such as furniture, linens, etc. in the 15 years we’ve been together. I’ve always bought those.

In the meantime, he has written several five-figure gift checks to SD (now a married adult who earns significant income on her own). I understand that is his daughter and he can spend his money as he wishes. There are also grandchildren coming on scene, who will probably get the same.

But if we go on a trip together he gives me an “invoice” down to the penny on what my share is.

Our relationship is OK and I do enjoy spending time with him. But I have grown increasingly resentful that I am expected to pay for literally every penny (or more) of my way as his life partner yet he CHOOSES to hand over tens of thousands to his grown daughter who spends it on her wedding, honeymoon, exotic vacations, etc. Money he probably would not have been able to give her if he had not been saving and living cheaply with me all those years.

Yet when we recently needed new sheets and I told him this time he could pay for them (as I’ve already done so for 15 years) he gave me the stink-eye.

Well, that sure opened up my eyes and was a transformative moment. I am reassessing this whole relationship, as I now enter the "golden years" of retirement.

They say money is one of the primary reasons for break-ups. Which I can now see. I sadly think I have primarily just been a means to an end for the last 15 years– which is his positive balance sheet.

Anyone else out there with a similar experience?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, PP, but I would pack my bags and get out of that one in a blink of an eye. You deserve way better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, PP, but I would pack my bags and get out of that one in a blink of an eye. You deserve way better than that.

And I'm usually one of those people that says you can work through therapy for most everything, including the dreaded mommy issues.

[Anonymous]

I’m not even sure what to say to this. Your relationship is very transactional. Each of you would have had to pay your rent and/or mortgage regardless of the other so I don’t get the drama over your perspectives on the “correct” amount owed. They both have value - you just see it differently.

It’s very petty to judge what he provides and has in the past provided for his daughter as if you’re entitled to that money. You should just leave him and go on your own way. You sound like you’d be happier on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, PP, but I would pack my bags and get out of that one in a blink of an eye. You deserve way better than that.

+1 I agree. He sounds horrible, OP.

[Anonymous]

Move out. There is absolutely no reason to muddy your finances and your ability to think clearly about the overall situation while you sort this out.

You aren't married, and you don't have children together. You can still spend as much time as you want together, but there is psychologically something very different about having your own space. As you said, you can do it for the same amount you are paying now, and better for you in many ways.

I suspect there haven't been many really productive conversations between the two of you about how things work in the relationship, practically speaking. It's probably time to set it up so that can happen -- or not, if he isn't willing. That's useful information, too.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever just asked him why he thinks it's appropriate to have one financial deal when you are the homeowner and a different deal when he is the homeowner. Are you just giving him what he asks for? You may need to negotiate, or buy your own place.

[Anonymous]

He now owns the house you live in but you own all the furniture and household goods? And if you move to your own place, he’ll have essentially empty room?

I would do this. I think he has no idea how much you’re contributing and if you move out, he will then get an appreciation of how much he is saving because of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He now owns the house you live in but you own all the furniture and household goods? And if you move to your own place, he’ll have essentially empty room?

I would do this. I think he has no idea how much you’re contributing and if you move out, he will then get an appreciation of how much he is saving because of you.

And let's be clear about this: buying those goods and furnishings was not that much of an expense, since you were supposed to saddle it all on your own, and he had no obligation to help offset the costs. No big deal. He can take care of it, just as you did.

There's no point in being an ass about it, but I'd be f'ng tempted to tally up the costs of everything (furniture, bedding, mixing bowls, all of it) and whip out that tally if he protests. Probably better in the fantasy than the fall-out.

[Anonymous]

leave him an invoice for sex

[Anonymous]

I would get ready to go, then tell him why.

[Anonymous]

OP If you want to maintain relationship - all fine but if I were you - I would move out and do it sooner than later. In the scenario you've set up - hah expect a bill for not giving notice ( which of course ignore!) Do not mention that you will be taking all your furniture as you leave but hopefully schedule during a time when he is away.

He sounds like an entitled jerk. You can be a nice caring father but taking advantage of someone else - even as you absolutely allowed him for all these years - does not give him a free pass

[Anonymous]

I would get established separately before any big conversations. It's just hard enough without that stress.

So, I'd talk about feeling like I need some time on my own just to putter around and clear my head. And I'd be clear about rent not making financial sense for me -- I need to be investing that money, at this point, and this is his house, not ours.

I'd take that nice, quiet, private space and time, and I'd think about what makes me happy and what is stressful. Then, with my head clear and my own key in my pocket, I'd have some go, productive discussions.

[Anonymous]

I lost op after line 5

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my significant other (SO) for 15 years. He had been divorced several years when I met him and was living in his own apartment. He had a minor daughter (at that time) who lived with her mother.

When we met, it seemed we had similar values towards money, which means working for what you wanted, saving for the future, not spending lavishly, etc. As our relationship progressed, we split things fairly evenly – we each paid our own share of our joint vacations, traded off picking up the tab at dinner, spent about the same amount on gifts for each other, etc.

After a year of dating we decided to live together. At the time, my SO was renting an apartment for over $2000 per month. We talked about it and we decided he would move into my home which I had purchased years prior to meeting him. At that time, he still had a minor daughter.

He had asked me what my detailed mortgage was and said he would be willing to pay me half the principal amount (NOT including interest, taxes and insurance) which was about $800. Of course, this amount did NOT include utilities.

Obviously, any improvements or maintenance to the home was mine since I owned it (including new roof, HVAC, etc.) which I paid for fully. I had no problem paying all my bills on my own but I knew that splitting living expenses was of financial benefit to me, too. We keep our finances completely separate and have no joint accounts together.

We both made the same amount of money over the years, although he did still have child support he had to pay initially. I took that into consideration and I didn’t press him about the extra I was going to be paying in living expenses (utilities) every month.

When his daughter (SD) turned 21 child support was supposed to end. I thought this would be a good time to re-assess our living expenses. However, my SO told me he had decided to voluntarily provide SD $1,000 per month until she turned 23. She was still going to college and didn’t work, but wanted her own apartment (no roommates) so my SO agreed to subsidize it along with his ex-wife.

Meanwhile, SO is still giving me $800 per month. With utilities, my total expenses were well over $2300 per month. He was getting a bargain IMO. I did tell him that I was picking up quite a bit extra in monthly expenses but he countered by saying that I was building equity in my home. He failed to address the fact that I would still be getting the same equity if he weren’t living there, however. Nor did he get an increase of any sort for all the new improvements I made to the home over the years, which he enjoyed the use of. This is where I wish I had a crystal ball and could go back in time.

Fast forward to now. We have moved to a different area and live in a house owned by my SO. He initially had a mortgage and I paid half that amount (which INCLUDED his interest, taxes and insurance) PLUS half the utilities. (FYI, he is still working full-time and I am now semi-retired but earning much less than him.)

He recently paid off the mortgage. When I asked to adjust the amount I’m paying him now there is no mortgage, he left a spread sheet on my desk which included half his taxes, insurance, utilities and also included half the landscaping/lawn maintenance divided into a monthly amount. He highlighted it in neon and it was literally down to the odd dollar. Didn’t discuss it, just left it on my desk like it was a bill.

In this real estate market for the amount I am paying him to live in his house I could easily buy my own home and pay the same amount. A much different scenario than being in the high-cost DC area where he was able to live comfortably for $800 per month, all inclusive, for more than 10 years.

We still pay our own way for vacations, meals out, and activities. However, he has never (and still doesn’t) purchase any household goods such as furniture, linens, etc. in the 15 years we’ve been together. I’ve always bought those.

In the meantime, he has written several five-figure gift checks to SD (now a married adult who earns significant income on her own). I understand that is his daughter and he can spend his money as he wishes. There are also grandchildren coming on scene, who will probably get the same.

But if we go on a trip together he gives me an “invoice” down to the penny on what my share is.

Our relationship is OK and I do enjoy spending time with him. But I have grown increasingly resentful that I am expected to pay for literally every penny (or more) of my way as his life partner yet he CHOOSES to hand over tens of thousands to his grown daughter who spends it on her wedding, honeymoon, exotic vacations, etc. Money he probably would not have been able to give her if he had not been saving and living cheaply with me all those years.

Yet when we recently needed new sheets and I told him this time he could pay for them (as I’ve already done so for 15 years) he gave me the stink-eye.

Well, that sure opened up my eyes and was a transformative moment. I am reassessing this whole relationship, as I now enter the "golden years" of retirement.

They say money is one of the primary reasons for break-ups. Which I can now see. I sadly think I have primarily just been a means to an end for the last 15 years– which is his positive balance sheet.

Anyone else out there with a similar experience?

This is why women usually get the short end of the stick when they try to make themselves the same as the guy. As a caring and kind woman, I’m already giving “more” to the relationship. Any man who doesn’t see that, isn’t for me.