Am I just chump-change with this cheapskate?

[Anonymous]

If you can afford your own place do it. He has taken advantage of you for a long time and it will not stop. If you want to continue seeing him fine but get out from under this financial hardship that has created really bad feelings. The threat of you leaving may force him to reconsider and on your terms and not his. He is a cheapskate and you are a chump but you can quickly end that.

[Anonymous]

OP here … thanks to all of you for your thoughtful, and thought-provoking, replies. I do appreciate the time you all took to respond, no matter your position. All viewpoints were valid.

I have a lot to ruminate about. At this stage of life, I have to carefully consider what I want my future to look like and then move forward towards that end state.

I know one thing for certain - it won't look like a balance sheet transaction!

[Anonymous]

I would have left him back when he tried to move in my house and live for damn near free.

[Anonymous]

Let us know what you decide, OP!

[Anonymous]

You have no future with him.

[Anonymous]

Woman in my 60s here. All I can say is he must be really really good at laying the Viagra pipe for you to hang around under these very odd circumstances.

[Anonymous]

So you asked him to adjust your contribution down because he wasn't paying a mortgage and he gave you a spreadsheet with his current expenses (sans mortgage) and he expects you to pay half? If that's accurate, that is probably substantially less than what rent would be since rent normally comes close to covering expenses plus a mortgage. So you too should be getting a below-market 'rent' since the mortgage is paid off.

And you owned a house which you helped pay down, partly with his contribution, right? What have you done with that equity? Is that invested? Do you rent it out and keep the money?

You need a conversation. What Suze Orman recommends is you each contribute the percentage of your income. I don't like that this man is cheap but it also sounds like you don't talk about what's bothering you, and you hold it all in.

My biggest suggestion is to talk to a lawyer. You may be common law. You may have rights to his house and even to support payments, if your income is substantially lower than his. But then again, he may have rights to the equity you built up, or part of your pension earned while you two were together, etc. If you're going to leave, you should talk to an attorney first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move out. There is absolutely no reason to muddy your finances and your ability to think clearly about the overall situation while you sort this out.

You aren't married, and you don't have children together. You can still spend as much time as you want together, but there is psychologically something very different about having your own space. As you said, you can do it for the same amount you are paying now, and better for you in many ways.

I suspect there haven't been many really productive conversations between the two of you about how things work in the relationship, practically speaking. It's probably time to set it up so that can happen -- or not, if he isn't willing. That's useful information, too.

+1 - Move and take all the furniture and household goods you've paid for. The relationship probably won't survive but if you are interested in staying in it you can always just say, "I love you but don't feel like we are on the same page as far as financial interests. For this to work, I need to have my own place to live."

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you did not rediscuss finances each time something major happened (like you retiring or moving into his home). I suggest that you find a counselor or mediator who can hear each version of this story and hammer out an agreement that feels fair to you both. That may not be possible, since so much of this happened in the past. Give thought to why you stay with him/what your life would be like without him. The important thing moving forward is to speak up and stand up for yourself. Don't let resentment simmer for years. You two may or may not have a future...but you do!

[Anonymous]

I never could/would have stayed (I hope!) in a relationship like this OP. It sounds awful, dminishing, and not something you can rely on.

I would ditch him.

HOWEVER, I think the potential common-law marriage one is something you should find out about before you take any action. Know your actual position legally before you make any big decisions. Then get out, with whatever is rightfully yours, and set yourself up to live your life w/o this crap. You can even still be in a relationship w/ him if you want that, but get out of any intermingling of finances. Nothing about what you've described sound loving. Nothing.

[Anonymous]

Way too long.

OP, I stopped when you said you allowed a man with a minor child to move into your home after a year and you were not getting married.

[Anonymous]

OP, this man is a nightmare. You should leave, and get therapy to explore why you were stayed in this situation for so long. There are so many parts of your story that I read and said WHAT!!???!! because I don't understand how you could allow this financial extortion to start or to continue. I feel like you must have some pretty serious insecurities that made you feel on some level like this was acceptable or something you deserved. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[Anonymous]

Kick him to the curb.

In your age bracket when you start dating have the gentleman
pick up the check the first 8 times. Just sit there and look gracious at check time. You can cook a nice dinner
for the gentleman date 8 or so. The gentleman pays if
you go away for a weekend. You can pay for something
here and there after date 8 but in your age bracket
the expectation is that the man pays.

This guy is a financial user. There are a lot of women out
there that are just as bad too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. You dont' seem to be expressing your feelings to him. Sit down and tell him you want to pay $X for Y and the reason why. He just gives you an invoice and you blindly accept it? He assumes you're fine with it.

Counseling may help on the communication issues.

This is stupid. Only a self-centered person could possibly justify this. He knows how much he paid her for 10 years.

[Anonymous]

You may want to get one counseling session for yourself
before you talk to him.

If you do talk to him I would keep the topic of the daughter
out of the discussion. Conversation will just go south.

Sticking to conversation about your part of bills and his
part of bills will give you plenty of material to talk about.

Also what are you and he doing about estate planning?
If he dies, who gets his house (that you are currently living in. We had a horrible situation in our neighborhood.
Older couple had lived together 15 years. Woman owned
the house. Male partner knew that daughter would
get the house upon death. Woman had a long, lingering
cancer of about 7 years. Male partner stuck by and
nursed his love one. Woman died of cancer. Daughter
through the 15 year partner out of the house 6 weeks
after death. Male partner was in severe grief and
in no way able to find an apartment. It was exceptionally
cruel on the part of the daughter to throw him out so fast.
Daughter was an anesthesiologist and did not need the money.