If your parents divorced, what did they do RIGHT?

[Anonymous]

The 50/50 custody was key. It made all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

If the parent has not being doing so before the divorce then why change the dynamic?

The parent is living with the child. So, the dynamic is automatically changed at divorce. Its completely different. Now the parent doesn't live with the child and only sees them for dinner and a few hours here and there. That's not a parent or family. That's a child support check and relative visit. If you have boys, is that the example you want to set for that is what a father behaves like? For girls, do you want that example of a man and father... what kind of husband do you think she'll pick?

Your missing the point. When living in the same house parent is either traveling, coming home after bed time and working on the weekends or engaged in an adult activity. Why now should there be 50/50 custody? A few hours here and there was the pre and post divorce...status quo. No one said anything about child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

If the parent has not being doing so before the divorce then why change the dynamic?

The parent is living with the child. So, the dynamic is automatically changed at divorce. Its completely different. Now the parent doesn't live with the child and only sees them for dinner and a few hours here and there. That's not a parent or family. That's a child support check and relative visit. If you have boys, is that the example you want to set for that is what a father behaves like? For girls, do you want that example of a man and father... what kind of husband do you think she'll pick?

Your missing the point. When living in the same house parent is either traveling, coming home after bed time and working on the weekends or engaged in an adult activity. Why now should there be 50/50 custody? A few hours here and there was the pre and post divorce...status quo. No one said anything about child support.

NP here. Sometimes the "other" parent can step it up and become a much better parent after divorce. Especially if he (I assume) is willing to take 50% of the responsibility. This is what would be ideal for the kids.

[Anonymous]

It's so important to own your choice to divorce and take responsibility for it. Life will be in some ways easier or happier, but it will also bring new problems and sadness. Own your choices within the marriage. The best thing my dad ever did was tell me he knows he was a bad husband in some ways and that he is sorry for it because the whole family is bearing the consequences.

As your children grow, they will understand and grieve the divorce in age-appropriate ways. Be mentally prepared for this and don't expect them to get over it quickly. The divorce will be old by the time they marry and have children, but the experience they are processing will be new for them and happening in the present.

Do NOT rush dating and remarrying. Your children are at a very sensitive age. When they settle in to a new normal, that does not mean you should throw everything into transition again. Don't believe the BS that kids just want theie parents to be happy. Don't expect them to care about your new partner or that person's children at all, because they probably won't. Deluding yourself about new relationships is a mistake a lot of people make.

Understand that you have just given up half of your grandchild time. Don't pressure your adult children to drag their toddlers through an exhaustinf holiday travel routine so you can have what you would in an intact family. Understand that they must care for you and your ex separately as you age, and it will be far more expensive and difficult for everyone. Accept this as part of your choice to divorce and be understanding of the difficulty it places on your children. Try to save money.

[Anonymous]

The best thing my mom did was read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It really shook her out of her happy modern family BS and helped her acknowledge and address the problems with me and my siblings that she had been in denial about. You are placing a tremendous strain on your children and you can't adequately parent them if you aren't willing to acknowledge it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

If the parent has not being doing so before the divorce then why change the dynamic?

The parent is living with the child. So, the dynamic is automatically changed at divorce. Its completely different. Now the parent doesn't live with the child and only sees them for dinner and a few hours here and there. That's not a parent or family. That's a child support check and relative visit. If you have boys, is that the example you want to set for that is what a father behaves like? For girls, do you want that example of a man and father... what kind of husband do you think she'll pick?

Sometimes they can and sometimes they can’t. Most kids can handle going back and forth but some kids can’t. There is no one size fits all that is best for every kid. And truly, one poster’s experience can not justify or validate another’s decision. It really just depends on each family and the dynamics of those individuals involved.

Your missing the point. When living in the same house parent is either traveling, coming home after bed time and working on the weekends or engaged in an adult activity. Why now should there be 50/50 custody? A few hours here and there was the pre and post divorce...status quo. No one said anything about child support.

NP here. Sometimes the "other" parent can step it up and become a much better parent after divorce. Especially if he (I assume) is willing to take 50% of the responsibility. This is what would be ideal for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

If the parent has not being doing so before the divorce then why change the dynamic?

The parent is living with the child. So, the dynamic is automatically changed at divorce. Its completely different. Now the parent doesn't live with the child and only sees them for dinner and a few hours here and there. That's not a parent or family. That's a child support check and relative visit. If you have boys, is that the example you want to set for that is what a father behaves like? For girls, do you want that example of a man and father... what kind of husband do you think she'll pick?

Sometimes they can and sometimes they can’t. Most kids can handle going back and forth but some kids can’t. There is no one size fits all that is best for every kid. And truly, one poster’s experience can not justify or validate another’s decision. It really just depends on each family and the dynamics of those individuals involved.

Your missing the point. When living in the same house parent is either traveling, coming home after bed time and working on the weekends or engaged in an adult activity. Why now should there be 50/50 custody? A few hours here and there was the pre and post divorce...status quo. No one said anything about child support.

NP here. Sometimes the "other" parent can step it up and become a much better parent after divorce. Especially if he (I assume) is willing to take 50% of the responsibility. This is what would be ideal for the kids.

If he were willing, he would do it already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

If the parent has not being doing so before the divorce then why change the dynamic?

The parent is living with the child. So, the dynamic is automatically changed at divorce. Its completely different. Now the parent doesn't live with the child and only sees them for dinner and a few hours here and there. That's not a parent or family. That's a child support check and relative visit. If you have boys, is that the example you want to set for that is what a father behaves like? For girls, do you want that example of a man and father... what kind of husband do you think she'll pick?

Your missing the point. When living in the same house parent is either traveling, coming home after bed time and working on the weekends or engaged in an adult activity. Why now should there be 50/50 custody? A few hours here and there was the pre and post divorce...status quo. No one said anything about child support.

NP here. Sometimes the "other" parent can step it up and become a much better parent after divorce. Especially if he (I assume) is willing to take 50% of the responsibility. This is what would be ideal for the kids.

I am the one who thanked the top poster for verifying my gut feeling.
The other parent moved an hour away and is not planning to step up.
And honestly this is for the best. But if he wanted to, I would have welcomed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best thing my mom did was read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It really shook her out of her happy modern family BS and helped her acknowledge and address the problems with me and my siblings that she had been in denial about. You are placing a tremendous strain on your children and you can't adequately parent them if you aren't willing to acknowledge it.

What were her delusions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing my mom did was read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It really shook her out of her happy modern family BS and helped her acknowledge and address the problems with me and my siblings that she had been in denial about. You are placing a tremendous strain on your children and you can't adequately parent them if you aren't willing to acknowledge it.

What were her delusions?

That we liked her AP and were happy for her because she had "found love".

That we would "blend" easily with her AP's kids and that their behavior problems were their mother's fault.

That "children are resilient" means it's fine to treat them badly.

That she could afford the same lifestyle as she had during the marriage.

Those are just a few examples. Fortunately she saw a financial planner who reality checked her. My sister went off the rails right quick and that shook her out of the affair fog and she eventually parented more realistically. But her delusions and happy talk caused a lot of needless suffering, for herself included. "Children are resilient" comes from a study that found no serious psychological damage *as adults*. It doesn't mean the children aren't suffering, and some react in ways that cause lifelong damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best thing my mom did was read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It really shook her out of her happy modern family BS and helped her acknowledge and address the problems with me and my siblings that she had been in denial about. You are placing a tremendous strain on your children and you can't adequately parent them if you aren't willing to acknowledge it.

I just started reading this and I am incredibly depressed now. "It will damage your kids forever, try not to do it" doesn't help me at all at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing my mom did was read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It really shook her out of her happy modern family BS and helped her acknowledge and address the problems with me and my siblings that she had been in denial about. You are placing a tremendous strain on your children and you can't adequately parent them if you aren't willing to acknowledge it.

I just started reading this and I am incredibly depressed now. "It will damage your kids forever, try not to do it" doesn't help me at all at this point.

Sorry to hear that. I think you are doing the right thing by your kids by being willing to read something tough. They need a parent who is realistic and willing to listen to reseach and ideas that are hard to hear. Your willingness to do this will minimize the damage to your children and give you all the best chance at happiness in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

The problem with questions like OP's is that different kids would want different things. I wish I had spent more time with my dad because it did kind of put him in a role similar to visiting family, rather than parenting. I'm certain that we were less close than we otherwise would have been. Also, because he was the path to his family, we hardly ever saw them. I'm still pretty shy around that entire side of the family and I'm envious of my cousins who have a much easier time. I was much closer to mom's side but they aren't local and she passed away when I was a young adult. All that to say, it's really hard to know because what's right for one kid isn't right for another. Sometimes the kids don't even realize what would have been good for them. My parents also didn't talk badly about each other and in some ways that backfired. I still don't really know why they divorced and wonder if they could have just stuck it out with more effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing my mom did was read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It really shook her out of her happy modern family BS and helped her acknowledge and address the problems with me and my siblings that she had been in denial about. You are placing a tremendous strain on your children and you can't adequately parent them if you aren't willing to acknowledge it.

I just started reading this and I am incredibly depressed now. "It will damage your kids forever, try not to do it" doesn't help me at all at this point.

Don’t listen to the doom sayers. You know that you can’t will a healthy marriage from a bad one and that it’s a freaking fairytale to believe that even good marriages last forever. Be an adult and be the best parent you can be. Support your kids. And don’t feed them the lies of untenable relationship expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

I agree with the initial pp here. I was a child of divorce and my parents agreed that my mom would have sole custody. My dad got every other Saturday night and one weekday evening for a few years until he lost hist job and ended up moving into a place where we couldn't stay with him, at which point he got once or twice a week for a few hours. Before the divorce my dad had been a "good father" by the standards of the time in that he loved spending time with me and certainly could take care of my sister and I for a few hours, but he never had any interest in full time (or even half time) parenting. He left the house at 5:45 am each weekday to work out and go to work. Came home at dinner time, and spent an hour or two with us most days. He spent much of his time on weekends engaging in adult pursuits rather than structuring his days around the kids.

I love my father and have a good relationship with him but he was never going to really parent me, when he was married to my mother or when he was divorced. Had there been any attempt to give him 50/50 custody, or even 80/20 custody it would have been an unmitigated disaster. My dad recognized his limitations, recognized we were better off with our mother, and didn't try to get custody. My mother, to her credit, welcomed my father into our home for family events and agreed to any time he requested with us. They attended events together and my father never missed a dance recital, parent teacher conference, or birthday. He wasn't a grandparent or uncle who visited, he was my father, he just wasn't capable of the responsibility of day to day care giving. I've had lots of conversations with him as an adult and he fully admits this and expresses gratitude for my mother. While some parents will step up their parenting, many won't and really putting the kids first means acknowledging their needs and the parents' limitations, rather than blindly pushing for equal parenting time.