If your parents divorced, what did they do RIGHT?

[Anonymous]

I am about to move out. We have agreed to 50/50 custody, and it was a low-conflict split. Right now we communicate reasonably well about kid needs and kid logistics (is there any software that can help with this?). We are going to keep the kid's lives as stable as we can; yes, they will go back and forth between houses, but they will keep the same schools and extracurricular activities.

But what else should we be thinking about?

If your parents had a reasonably low-conflict divorce, what did they do to smooth things out for you?

[Anonymous]

This is more of a long term goal. But the best thing they did was stay cordial enough that big events could be shared. Not at first' but after 5 or 6 years. So now, as we are all adults, it makes things so much easier. We can do birthdays and holidays and even vacations together, with my parents and their new partners. No two Xmases for my family and then a 3rd for my inlaws. My dad will come to a casual lunch at my moms house just to see us or the grandkids.

People are shocked by how well they've done this. I know it wasn't always easy. And I'm so so grateful they pushed throughout the awkward years. For their kids.

[Anonymous]

Present a united front as parents. Sit together at school events, celebrate the kid’s birthday together. Also make sure the kid never has to feel guilty for spending time with one parent vs the other, e.g. it’s “mom’s” time, but there is that hockey match that he really wants to attend with dad...

[Anonymous]

My tips would be to make sure that negative comments are not said about your former spouse in ear shot of the kids. Friends and family may need to be reminded of this.

If looking to alter custody plans, or book a vacation with the children, agree to discuss it out of earshot preferably by email with your former spouse first. Discussing it with the kids first and bringing it up at drop off, puts the other parent in a crappy place if the answer is no due to a conflict of other plans.

Be flexible when possible. Be respectful always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is more of a long term goal. But the best thing they did was stay cordial enough that big events could be shared. Not at first' but after 5 or 6 years. So now, as we are all adults, it makes things so much easier. We can do birthdays and holidays and even vacations together, with my parents and their new partners. No two Xmases for my family and then a 3rd for my inlaws. My dad will come to a casual lunch at my moms house just to see us or the grandkids.

People are shocked by how well they've done this. I know it wasn't always easy. And I'm so so grateful they pushed throughout the awkward years. For their kids.

Yes! I am the other 15:59 poster. It’s very similar with my parents - if I bring the kids to my mom, she calls dad and lets him know to stop by.

[Anonymous]

My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t remarry and force significant others, half-siblings or step-siblings while we remained in the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

If the parent has not being doing so before the divorce then why change the dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

If the parent has not being doing so before the divorce then why change the dynamic?

The parent is living with the child. So, the dynamic is automatically changed at divorce. Its completely different. Now the parent doesn't live with the child and only sees them for dinner and a few hours here and there. That's not a parent or family. That's a child support check and relative visit. If you have boys, is that the example you want to set for that is what a father behaves like? For girls, do you want that example of a man and father... what kind of husband do you think she'll pick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is more of a long term goal. But the best thing they did was stay cordial enough that big events could be shared. Not at first' but after 5 or 6 years. So now, as we are all adults, it makes things so much easier. We can do birthdays and holidays and even vacations together, with my parents and their new partners. No two Xmases for my family and then a 3rd for my inlaws. My dad will come to a casual lunch at my moms house just to see us or the grandkids.

People are shocked by how well they've done this. I know it wasn't always easy. And I'm so so grateful they pushed throughout the awkward years. For their kids.

THIS!!!!
This is what my parents did. They never spoke ill of the other (at least, not in front of us kids). I was an adult before I knew the reason why my they divorced. I am so grateful to them for working it out. We've been able to have holidays, christenings, birthdays, simple dinners, etc together. My kids, nephews and nieces get to see one loving family

[Anonymous]

As someone married into a family of divorce I can tell you what my in-laws did NOT do, that would have made things much better. A lot has been mentioned. Here is what they should have done:

1. Speak respectfully about ex or not at all. Do not badmouth in front of your kid.

2. Your child is not your therapist. Get therapy. You have a right to be angry, hurt, furious whatever. You should not have a right to vent it all at or take it out on your kids.

3. Attend graduations and family events and be respectful. Otherwise expect when your kids get married inlaws get half time and you and your ex each get a fourth. Nobody wants to schlep all over for every holiday to please you.

4. Your kids are not your spies. Do not ask your young or even adult children for dirt on the ex.

5. Develop a rich life of your own with friends and family. Do not expect your kids to fill a void.

[Anonymous]

Oh forgot, as mentioned by others..


Keep your dating life private unless serious with the person. Your kids should not meet an endless parade of men or women.

[Anonymous]

Also, wanted to say, even from the little you posted you sound such much more mature and reasonable than my inlaws.