If your parents divorced, what did they do RIGHT?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing my mom did was read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It really shook her out of her happy modern family BS and helped her acknowledge and address the problems with me and my siblings that she had been in denial about. You are placing a tremendous strain on your children and you can't adequately parent them if you aren't willing to acknowledge it.

I just started reading this and I am incredibly depressed now. "It will damage your kids forever, try not to do it" doesn't help me at all at this point.

Put the book down....it's awful advice. My mom and dad divorced when I was 7 and and both got remarried, dad when I was 9 (I know they had an affair, I am not stupid) and mom when I was 11. I love both my stepmom and stepdad and everyone got and still gets along just great. I felt so much love and warmth and security in both homes. I also loved having step-siblings, esp. since I was an only child of my bio parents.

Bottom line....we are all one big happy family. My kids love all three sets of their grandparents. We do holidays together, etc. My parents were awful married, but ended up being great at being parents and friends. They are amazing people and I am well adjusted, happy, have a great career and my family is my rock.

It sounds like this woman just had a crappy mom.....period. Divorce or not.

[Anonymous]

Once a week, every week, even if you have to put it on the calendar and force yourself to do it, say something nice about your ex to your kids.

Your kids are made up of half him/her. They need to know there are things you like about that half, and the easiest way to do that is to make it clear there are things you like about your ex. Even if you have to "fake it till you make it" for a while with silly little things, over a childhood, they add up.

[Anonymous]

Not once did my father say anything bad about my mother, despite the fact that the divorce was largely her fault and she frequently complained about him to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not once did my father say anything bad about my mother, despite the fact that the divorce was largely her fault and she frequently complained about him to us.

I'm a divorced dad, and my therapist said to me, do not badmouth your ex to the kids. Even if what you say is true, it just makes you the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you what we do even though neither me nor my ex-DH come from divorce.

(1) Family events. We still occasionally do things together whether it's dinner, pool, hike, farm, etc. in addition to the regular birthday parties and special events. When I have the kids, I'll also do stuff with his family even if he is not there as we get along very well.

(2) We are very cordial and never speak negatively about or to the other in front of the kids.

(3) Free flow of "stuff' to each others' houses (e.g., things that came from him like clothes or toys do not have to stay at his house and vice versa)

(4) 50-50 custody with room for changes. Respect for the other's time. If I have to travel for work, he takes the kids, and vice versa. If he wants to go on a vacation, no problem, and vice versa. We give each other that space and opportunity.

(5) No introducing significant others to the kids without approval / meeting the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Just want to echo the other posters re: remaining cordial, no bad-mouthing, and presenting a united front on big issues. My parents never said anything bad about each other except maybe in jest, and they always respected the other as a parent. I'm almost 40 and still don't know why they divorced (except, just generally, my dad). And they shared big decisions in addition to being able to share big events; for example, both took me on college visits.

One of the things my mom said to me once was that, regardless of their differences or any issues, the one thing they always had in common and could always talk about was how wonderful I was (to them as parents obviously, I'm pretty average otherwise). And I think they both really kept that in mind. If you can't think of something nice to say, talk about the kids.

They split when I was very young, so I don't remember them together, but I don't think it ruined me at all. I'm a stable, happy adult married for almost 10 years with 3 kids and have good relationships with both parents and their respective significant others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

As a child of divorce who had that setup, I would say that it is entirely dependent on the situation. For me and my siblings, it was the right set up and it would have been really difficult if our parents had 50/50 custody as one of them just wasn’t really ready to do all of the patent things like doctors appointments and punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

As a child of divorce who had that setup, I would say that it is entirely dependent on the situation. For me and my siblings, it was the right set up and it would have been really difficult if our parents had 50/50 custody as one of them just wasn’t really ready to do all of the patent things like doctors appointments and punishment.

They could have figured it out. You probably feel that way as that is what your mom told you to justify it. My husband does not do most doctor and dentist appointments and I do all the buying. Doesn’t make him less capable because I have the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is more of a long term goal. But the best thing they did was stay cordial enough that big events could be shared. Not at first' but after 5 or 6 years. So now, as we are all adults, it makes things so much easier. We can do birthdays and holidays and even vacations together, with my parents and their new partners. No two Xmases for my family and then a 3rd for my inlaws. My dad will come to a casual lunch at my moms house just to see us or the grandkids.

People are shocked by how well they've done this. I know it wasn't always easy. And I'm so so grateful they pushed throughout the awkward years. For their kids.

+1 to this. My parents split when I was 6 so I am sure there are things I am forgetting but my sister and I were shielded from our parents' harshest feelings towards each other even though, as an adult, I know they must have had them. I cannot remember them ever being really angry with each other in front of us. My post-divorce memories were of an organized arrangements, pleasant family time spent together and kindnesses between the two. For example, my mom is an MD and she offered advice and referrals to his side of the family if someone had an illness.

We dont have joint holidays or vacations but all my and my sister's graduation parties were joint affairs with grandparents, step-parents, etc in attendance. And when we had a big school activity (games, concerts, etc.) they would both be there and would sit together, then we would all go out to dinner together afterwards. This made me feel like a "normal" kid, a normal family. That helped a lot during middle school and teen years.

[Anonymous]

They didn't kill each other. They didn't abuse alchohol, drugs. They did not have other partners or got married to other people. They did not have other kids. They were not violent. They did not fight about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing my mom did was read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It really shook her out of her happy modern family BS and helped her acknowledge and address the problems with me and my siblings that she had been in denial about. You are placing a tremendous strain on your children and you can't adequately parent them if you aren't willing to acknowledge it.

I just started reading this and I am incredibly depressed now. "It will damage your kids forever, try not to do it" doesn't help me at all at this point.

Put the book down....it's awful advice. My mom and dad divorced when I was 7 and and both got remarried, dad when I was 9 (I know they had an affair, I am not stupid) and mom when I was 11. I love both my stepmom and stepdad and everyone got and still gets along just great. I felt so much love and warmth and security in both homes. I also loved having step-siblings, esp. since I was an only child of my bio parents.

Bottom line....we are all one big happy family. My kids love all three sets of their grandparents. We do holidays together, etc. My parents were awful married, but ended up being great at being parents and friends. They are amazing people and I am well adjusted, happy, have a great career and my family is my rock.

It sounds like this woman just had a crappy mom.....period. Divorce or not.

I read that book and what everyone had in common was those were not amicable divorces. An amicable divorce is better than a miserable marriage for kids, it's just too often people slide into hostility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother did not involve us in her dating life or introduce us to guys she was dating. My father didn’t force the custody issue. My Mother was always the primary parent and divorce didn’t suddenly alter that dynamic. We wanted to be in what we considered our home and with the emotional support/safety that came with our Mother. My Dad visited us, had dinner and we spent weekends with him. I am so greatful I was not forced to divide time between homes.

New poster who has a similar setup; thank you for verifying what I felt was right for my child.

Its right for you, not your child. A grandparent or uncle visits, a parent parents their child.

As a child of divorce who had that setup, I would say that it is entirely dependent on the situation. For me and my siblings, it was the right set up and it would have been really difficult if our parents had 50/50 custody as one of them just wasn’t really ready to do all of the patent things like doctors appointments and punishment.

They could have figured it out. You probably feel that way as that is what your mom told you to justify it. My husband does not do most doctor and dentist appointments and I do all the buying. Doesn’t make him less capable because I have the time.

Nah.

I am a NP and totally agree. If either parent would have pushed us to spend more time then we really would have resented it.

Today siblings and I all have great relationships with both parents. Best things they did was 1. Get divorced since they didn’t get along and 2. Not change things too much when they divorced.

[Anonymous]

I loved it when an acquaintance dumped on me about her crappy, selfish parents who happened to get divorce and said that's what she believed was the reason she had a horrible childhood. I pointed out nicely that it sounds like her parents were and have always been selfish. The divorce was just another way for them to be selfish, it wasn't the root of her unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

My idea of a good divorce is Gweyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin.

I love that they live next to each other, have meals together, Chris teaches his kids music, Brad Falchuk lives in a house next to Gweyneth and when his kids visit him, he lives with them in the house next doors.

No one wants their divorced parents to have more kids. This is the suckiest thing you can do.

[Anonymous]

Parents hated each other and divorced when I was 10 (now 40s). To this day they have remained mature and "adult" whenever they interacted with each other or to me and my brothers about the other. For sure they hate each other, but they are civilized. They never lost their class. I was just telling my dad how proud I am of both of them for that.