Friendships in parenthood wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone! I have the same experience! I am always the organizer/initiater, etc....and rarely, rarely is it reciprocated. We moved into our neighborhood nearly three years ago and all I heard was how wonderful it is, how friendly everyone is, 'best neighborhood ever,' etc. We held a housewarming party, a big party for the kids, and hosted 2-3 dinners in that first year..... Out of all that, I think maybe one family asked us to a party at a restaurant with like 50 other people. So either we suck and everyone hates us or it's true what people say about the DC area (no social skills, etc).

I gave up. Haven't hosted anything for a year now. I barely even smile and wave at folks anymore when I walk my dog around the neighborhood. It's hard. I come from the South where people are friendly and social.

A housewarming and parties for your kids are for you, not for others and do not need to be reciprocated. Many don't do parties or housewarming. Housewarming is a gift grab.

[Anonymous]

So hard to make friends as an adult with kids. I thought having kids would make it easier to bond with others and allow for a natural group of friends but no. I’ve met some nice people but no one really wants a tight friendship, at least not that I can find. As the kids get older it’s even harder because it’s just drop offs and chauffeuring. I’m always feeling very isolated.

[Anonymous]

It is like dating. You have to have good chemistry.

Also some people don’t ever host. It is just the way they are. I’m always the planner and often do the inviting.

I made a great group of friends at a random picnic. We all moved to the area within months of one another. Moms and kids get along. What really sealed the deal was the dads get along too so we often get together on weekends. We go out to eat, do moms nights, shows and now we even vacation together.

Acquaintance friends I do not give up valuable weekend family time.

[Anonymous]

I'm usually game to get together for playdates with just about anyone. If we have a good rapport, I'm way more likely to be all about it. But the jump from "hanging out at playdates with the kids" to hanging out with you WITHOUT kids is a huge one. At least for me. I'm fortunate that I have a lot of friends in this area and I don't get to see any of them enough, outside of family gatherings with kids. So I'm pretty picky about how I spend my few nights out away from my kids.

But socializing with my kids in tow on the weekends, I'm all about it. So just keep asking. I have a few mom-friends from my 4 year old's class. Two of them I really like, but one is eh. However all the kids are going to different schools next year so I haven't gotten too invested. We'll see if anyone keeps in touch...

[Anonymous]

I've managed to make a ton of friends as a first time mom in my late 30s, having moved to this area as a transplant 10 years ago and moving here not knowing a single person. My husband and I did not go to school in this area/not from here/no family here, so when we moved here we were truly on our own and knew no one. My kids are 2 and 4 and I'm a married mom in my late 30s who works part-time.

Here's what I did to make a lot of wonderful friends:

1) Joined a few parenting groups through meetup.com and my congregation. Committed to being in these groups for a year, going to as many events as possible. After seeing someone who seems nice at a few events in a row, I will reach out to them and invite them to meet up at a playground (something casual). If that goes well I'll wait a month or two and invite them to something else. Repeat until a real friendship forms, even if I'm always the one making the plans.

2) After meeting up with them a few times, I'll friend them on Facebook and/or get their email or phone number. I'll start a friendly chat, and if they seem like the type who likes to keep in touch by text/email/FB messenger, we'll start communicating frequently. I also make sure to like and comment on their posts often, at least once or twice a week.

3) Invite them to the large parties we have at our house every 2-3 months--4th of July party, Halloween party, etc.

4) Focus on making new friends with moms who are either new to the area, or seem like they don't have many friends.

5) Do thoughtful things for them, like send them a card on their birthday, celebrate their milestone events (new job, etc.)

6) Offer to help be a part of their village if they need help and follow through

Doing these things has resulted in a wonderful group of true friends that I've made on my own as a woman in my late 30s.

[Anonymous]

I just turned 40. My childhood best friend is childless.

Friendships in adulthood are harder to make. You aren’t really developing anymore and are set in your ways.

You will also find that you may click with someone but kids drift apart or parenting styles drastically different.

I have 3 kids and it is hard to juggle all our relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not going to be making real friends in this stage of your life. It's the reality of people and human nature. Call me skeptical but if people come across as overly friendly, I do wonder what their true intentions are.

100% I have found that usually the gossips, the climbers and the competitors are the first in line to be overly friendly so they can size you up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't just a parent thing - in adult friendships there are organizers and there are accepters, it's best to have multiple organizers so everyone feela confident and liked but sometimes one person just has to take on more of that role. The alternative isn't that it will even out and become fair. It's that you won't have as much of a friendship.

I agree with this. Some people are just not great at planning things, while others are more likely to propose ideas and implement. Pre-kids I felt like this dynamic existed too. It's like how some people like hosting people are their house and then you have one friend you realize you've literally never been to their place. But it's probably worse with kids because people are busy. I think based on OPs description it's just different personalities, busy-ness etc since they seem to be interested when you reach out. If they were avoiding or never coming when you reach out it might be something else but this just sounds like a couple women who planning and reaching out isn't their strength.

For what it's worth I personally think anyone that says it's "this area" is off base. This is a pretty typical thing and can happen everywhere. People love to act like people are terrible here, but I've found great friendships and just don't agree.

[Anonymous]

My social life crashed in my late 20's when I became really sick and my "friends" just couldn't relate/deal. Now that I am a parent to young children, I am navigating this new world of family playdates. I guess I am an initiator and reciprocator-and at times an initiator. Often the parents who have a ton of family in the area (or specifically, family who help out with the kids) are really not in the market of trying to reciprocate with new friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've managed to make a ton of friends as a first time mom in my late 30s, having moved to this area as a transplant 10 years ago and moving here not knowing a single person. My husband and I did not go to school in this area/not from here/no family here, so when we moved here we were truly on our own and knew no one. My kids are 2 and 4 and I'm a married mom in my late 30s who works part-time.

Here's what I did to make a lot of wonderful friends:

1) Joined a few parenting groups through meetup.com and my congregation. Committed to being in these groups for a year, going to as many events as possible. After seeing someone who seems nice at a few events in a row, I will reach out to them and invite them to meet up at a playground (something casual). If that goes well I'll wait a month or two and invite them to something else. Repeat until a real friendship forms, even if I'm always the one making the plans.

2) After meeting up with them a few times, I'll friend them on Facebook and/or get their email or phone number. I'll start a friendly chat, and if they seem like the type who likes to keep in touch by text/email/FB messenger, we'll start communicating frequently. I also make sure to like and comment on their posts often, at least once or twice a week.

3) Invite them to the large parties we have at our house every 2-3 months--4th of July party, Halloween party, etc.

4) Focus on making new friends with moms who are either new to the area, or seem like they don't have many friends.

5) Do thoughtful things for them, like send them a card on their birthday, celebrate their milestone events (new job, etc.)

6) Offer to help be a part of their village if they need help and follow through

Doing these things has resulted in a wonderful group of true friends that I've made on my own as a woman in my late 30s.

Note that she is putting in a lot of effort. That’s what it takes around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess this is me, but I don’t worry about reciprocation. If I want to meet up with someone, if it’s been 6 days, or 6 months, I text them an invite/otherwise reach out. I assume if they don’t enjoy my company, they’ll decline. We arrange things in our home often that are child friendly eg. casual dinners in the back yard, movie night, just summer evenings on the deck. We also host a few formal /organized events a year that are children optional/ children welcome early in the evening eg. Oktoberfest. We make those big events - last year, one couple brought two other sets of friends, and that really helped expand our social network.

I’m a trailing spouse who WAH, so my ability to form a network is impeded a little by the fact I don’t generally MEET anyone in a day. I know if I want a network, I have to put in more effort than the people that have been here for their entire lives and know all their friends since 2nd grade. I’d never expect to run a marathon without putting in some kind of effort.

Me too. I feel like I've learned that if you wait for people to invite you'll never see people because lots of people aren't very good at organizing. So we host a good bit and I don't keep tabs at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't just a parent thing - in adult friendships there are organizers and there are accepters, it's best to have multiple organizers so everyone feela confident and liked but sometimes one person just has to take on more of that role. The alternative isn't that it will even out and become fair. It's that you won't have as much of a friendship.

I agree with this. Some people are just not great at planning things, while others are more likely to propose ideas and implement. Pre-kids I felt like this dynamic existed too. It's like how some people like hosting people are their house and then you have one friend you realize you've literally never been to their place. But it's probably worse with kids because people are busy. I think based on OPs description it's just different personalities, busy-ness etc since they seem to be interested when you reach out. If they were avoiding or never coming when you reach out it might be something else but this just sounds like a couple women who planning and reaching out isn't their strength.

For what it's worth I personally think anyone that says it's "this area" is off base. This is a pretty typical thing and can happen everywhere. People love to act like people are terrible here, but I've found great friendships and just don't agree.

This, plus stop bean counting. If you've developed a good rapport with someone and it appears mutual - invite them out again. Don't assume they don't like you when they haven't reciprocated - assume something kinder. Maybe they are overwhelmed. Maybe they have social anxiety. Stop counting what you've put into it and start counting what you get out of it - a nice time out, good conversation, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Note that she is putting in a lot of effort. That’s what it takes around here.

Why the "around here"? It's hard to make friends as an adult everywhere. I hear this from my friends that moved to Seattle ("so many transplants!"), my friends that move to Iowa ("everyone already has friends from high school/college and we can never fully integrate in!") etc etc. The whole DC is so uniquely difficult is overkill. When you move anywhere as an adult it takes work to make and keep friends unless you get lucky and happen into an existing friend group. This is just life.

I know I'm picking an irrelevant battle that doesn't matter but ugh. I do agree that OP is doing the work! I don't think that's in question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't just a parent thing - in adult friendships there are organizers and there are accepters, it's best to have multiple organizers so everyone feela confident and liked but sometimes one person just has to take on more of that role. The alternative isn't that it will even out and become fair. It's that you won't have as much of a friendship.

I agree with this. Some people are just not great at planning things, while others are more likely to propose ideas and implement. Pre-kids I felt like this dynamic existed too. It's like how some people like hosting people are their house and then you have one friend you realize you've literally never been to their place. But it's probably worse with kids because people are busy. I think based on OPs description it's just different personalities, busy-ness etc since they seem to be interested when you reach out. If they were avoiding or never coming when you reach out it might be something else but this just sounds like a couple women who planning and reaching out isn't their strength.

For what it's worth I personally think anyone that says it's "this area" is off base. This is a pretty typical thing and can happen everywhere. People love to act like people are terrible here, but I've found great friendships and just don't agree.

This, plus stop bean counting. If you've developed a good rapport with someone and it appears mutual - invite them out again. Don't assume they don't like you when they haven't reciprocated - assume something kinder. Maybe they are overwhelmed. Maybe they have social anxiety. Stop counting what you've put into it and start counting what you get out of it - a nice time out, good conversation, etc.

I'm the pp and 100% agree.

[Anonymous]

I didn't really make any new parent friends (through my kid) until we hit elementary school and had activities. I've become close with some of the moms on our soccer team, basketball team and girl scout troop.

Even then, they're "friends" in that we will plan stuff together and chat and text, but I am not sure these friendships will survive once our kids go to different middle schools.

If we had more free time I would maybe join a moms group, but we're pretty busy with activities. And I have friends independently of my kid. I can't always do all the stuff they do (travel, go out on every random night) so I don't always feel like I fit in, but I do like them.