Friendships in parenthood wtf?

[Anonymous]

OP, surely by the time you reach adulthood, you understand that not everyone you meet becomes a real friend.

Your assertion that you’re “not worried” is belied in your OP. You seem so much more relieved now that you have met some other people.

I get it, I’m a trailing spouse. I WAH so have very few opportunities to meet people. It’s worse, as we seem to live in SAH land, and I feel like an outlier.

You also need to appreciate that the life stage your at is very differ not than these women in your OP. There is a huge needs gap between a 4 month old and a toddler. I had ALL KINDS of time with my infant... with my toddler, who is the exact same being, I don’t feel like I have 4 seconds. Case in point: I competed an online grocery order I started yesterday afternoon at 1232am. So, like one of the other mothers you met, I may have liked your text, but not responded. Some days are just lockdown mod, and others, I have all the time in the world.

In any case, it sounds to me like you’re finding your stride, and that’s great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I attribute a huge part of the challenge of this to the DC area. A lot of people here are competitive, ladder climber types more interested in getting ahead than authentic friendship. Even those interested in “friendship” may not willing to be authentic—they simply use friendships as an excuse to show off and present an Imstagrammable vision of a picture perfect life - they throw over the top dinner parties or kid’s parties, they host get togethers to show off their amazingly nice, clean house (god forbid you ever invite someone over and the house look, daresay, normal or messy), they excessively Instagram get togethers to show the world they have friends, how Pinterest-worthy their cooking is, etc. I’ve lived here for over a decade and still have friends who will have me over unless their house looks like it’s ready for a professional photo shoot.

Then there’s the childless - plenty of DINKS and singles will never have kids and will lose interest in you as a friend once you become a parent. They won’t like kids, or it will remind them of what they want and can’t/may never have, or they don’t care to be your friend once boozy brunch and late night drinking and adults only gatherings are not part of your regular life anymore.

Another huge hurdle is geography: It takes forever to get anywhere because of the traffic, and people live everywhere in the suburbs so even if you make good friends they could all live 30 minutes-an hour away and then it’s virtually impossible to get together around everyone’s perpetually overscheduled lives, kid’s nap schedules, illnesses, etc.

And then the whole transient nature of the city adds to the complexity, the massive range of wealth can put people on very different scales (in our neighborhood you’ve got low income housing, expensive apartments, and multimillion dollar homes) making it hard to relate, and the fact that people are constantly moving in and out creates a very difficult and constant churn.

Personally I spent close to a decade making friends and putting in the time and energy and so many of these folks have now moved I have largely given up. Meanwhile I have watched other friends move to new communities in other areas (Midwest, New England, Northwest) and find groups of friends relatively easy, so I honestly think much of the challenge is just DC. People don’t move here to make friends.

This strikes me as one of those fantasy posts, like those who talk about all their ethnic friends, but only have 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Note that she is putting in a lot of effort. That’s what it takes around here.

Why the "around here"? It's hard to make friends as an adult everywhere. I hear this from my friends that moved to Seattle ("so many transplants!"), my friends that move to Iowa ("everyone already has friends from high school/college and we can never fully integrate in!") etc etc. The whole DC is so uniquely difficult is overkill. When you move anywhere as an adult it takes work to make and keep friends unless you get lucky and happen into an existing friend group. This is just life.

I know I'm picking an irrelevant battle that doesn't matter but ugh. I do agree that OP is doing the work! I don't think that's in question.

Agree with this. I’ve lived other places, and split my time between 2 states now, and don’t find this area to be any different. It’s human nature. Some people are good at organizing (I am one of them) others aren’t. OP play to your strengths and accept it.

The exception is living overseas where the expat community tends to create a community pretty quickly and there is constant movement in and out of the group as people arrive and leave.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, motherhood is just lonely. And that's okay. Because you know what? It’s also rewarding. And fulfilling. And exhilarating, and mind-blowing, and exciting, and about a million other synonyms for “amazing.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I attribute a huge part of the challenge of this to the DC area. A lot of people here are competitive, ladder climber types more interested in getting ahead than authentic friendship. Even those interested in “friendship” may not willing to be authentic—they simply use friendships as an excuse to show off and present an Imstagrammable vision of a picture perfect life - they throw over the top dinner parties or kid’s parties, they host get togethers to show off their amazingly nice, clean house (god forbid you ever invite someone over and the house look, daresay, normal or messy), they excessively Instagram get togethers to show the world they have friends, how Pinterest-worthy their cooking is, etc. I’ve lived here for over a decade and still have friends who will have me over unless their house looks like it’s ready for a professional photo shoot.

Then there’s the childless - plenty of DINKS and singles will never have kids and will lose interest in you as a friend once you become a parent. They won’t like kids, or it will remind them of what they want and can’t/may never have, or they don’t care to be your friend once boozy brunch and late night drinking and adults only gatherings are not part of your regular life anymore.

Another huge hurdle is geography: It takes forever to get anywhere because of the traffic, and people live everywhere in the suburbs so even if you make good friends they could all live 30 minutes-an hour away and then it’s virtually impossible to get together around everyone’s perpetually overscheduled lives, kid’s nap schedules, illnesses, etc.

And then the whole transient nature of the city adds to the complexity, the massive range of wealth can put people on very different scales (in our neighborhood you’ve got low income housing, expensive apartments, and multimillion dollar homes) making it hard to relate, and the fact that people are constantly moving in and out creates a very difficult and constant churn.

Personally I spent close to a decade making friends and putting in the time and energy and so many of these folks have now moved I have largely given up. Meanwhile I have watched other friends move to new communities in other areas (Midwest, New England, Northwest) and find groups of friends relatively easy, so I honestly think much of the challenge is just DC. People don’t move here to make friends.

Agree with this. Want friends OP? Get successful in your career. Then you won’t have any problems with friends.

[Anonymous]

Girl, just be thankful you dont have mamma drama. If these moms are drama free, you hit gold there. Hold on to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't just a parent thing - in adult friendships there are organizers and there are accepters, it's best to have multiple organizers so everyone feela confident and liked but sometimes one person just has to take on more of that role. The alternative isn't that it will even out and become fair. It's that you won't have as much of a friendship.

+1

Frankly, we had this issue as DINKS. My husband, in particular, is a planner, and has been since college. Some people are not initiators; we just decided that if we really enjoyed someone's company, we would do all the inviting and not be resentful, and just enjoy the time we spent with them (and never feel guilty about how much we saw them). If we found ourselves annoyed that someone wasn't reciprocating invitations, we took it as a sign that we weren't enjoying their company that much. That said, we are definitely better friends with people who also do the initiating sometimes--people we might not initially have thought we'd be as close to, but they made the effort to reach out, too, so now we are. Sometimes it's a parent thing, but sometimes it isn't.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP, but I think that you really can't read too much into it. If you like these women and want to spend more time with them, keep inviting them when you want to get together. Don't force yourself to go half a year without seeing someone whose company you benefit from just because she hasn't picked up the phone first, you know? Some people just aren't good at it, lots of different reasons why illustrated throughout other people's posts.

Sometimes friendships take time, and sometimes you are the one to notice a potentially good friend match and be the one to initiate. As long as the time together feels good to do, then it will be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Op finally back. It’s good to hear people’s perspecices and that others struggle with this. But for people saying to play to my strengths or to keep initiating, that’s the thing— initiating and organizing are not my strengths at all! I detest inviting people to anything because of the built in chance of rejection. If I just did what I were comfortable with, I’d do exactly what these other women are doing and just accept invites and never reciprocate. The only reason I have reached out since moving to this area is because if I never did I’d seemingly have no friends or acquaintances at all.

I’m also never 100% sure whether other women have had a good time or felt they clicked with me. My biggest assurance of that is if they text or call me, or initiate meeting again. If they never do, how am I supposed to know if they are just bad a communication or whether they are ghosting me and hoping I catch on?