Friendships in parenthood wtf?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’re only interested in friends based on being a SAHM and having kids. Maybe the other women sense this. I can’t stand women who are only interested in being friends because we both have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone! I have the same experience! I am always the organizer/initiater, etc....and rarely, rarely is it reciprocated. We moved into our neighborhood nearly three years ago and all I heard was how wonderful it is, how friendly everyone is, 'best neighborhood ever,' etc. We held a housewarming party, a big party for the kids, and hosted 2-3 dinners in that first year..... Out of all that, I think maybe one family asked us to a party at a restaurant with like 50 other people. So either we suck and everyone hates us or it's true what people say about the DC area (no social skills, etc).

I gave up. Haven't hosted anything for a year now. I barely even smile and wave at folks anymore when I walk my dog around the neighborhood. It's hard. I come from the South where people are friendly and social.

Ha, I wonder if we live in the same neighborhood.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone! I have the same experience! I am always the organizer/initiater, etc....and rarely, rarely is it reciprocated. We moved into our neighborhood nearly three years ago and all I heard was how wonderful it is, how friendly everyone is, 'best neighborhood ever,' etc. We held a housewarming party, a big party for the kids, and hosted 2-3 dinners in that first year..... Out of all that, I think maybe one family asked us to a party at a restaurant with like 50 other people. So either we suck and everyone hates us or it's true what people say about the DC area (no social skills, etc).

I gave up. Haven't hosted anything for a year now. I barely even smile and wave at folks anymore when I walk my dog around the neighborhood. It's hard. I come from the South where people are friendly and social.

Ha, I wonder if we live in the same neighborhood.....

Hmmm...maybe? Are you in NoVa? Fairfax?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you’re only interested in friends based on being a SAHM and having kids. Maybe the other women sense this. I can’t stand women who are only interested in being friends because we both have kids.

I’m not, but I find it easier in theory because I am wiped out with young kids and cannot go out drinking late the way my childless friends want to do. My childless friends are also not dying to have lunch with me and a toddler, but other moms with kids have been ok with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you’re only interested in friends based on being a SAHM and having kids. Maybe the other women sense this. I can’t stand women who are only interested in being friends because we both have kids.

I’m not, but I find it easier in theory because I am wiped out with young kids and cannot go out drinking late the way my childless friends want to do. My childless friends are also not dying to have lunch with me and a toddler, but other moms with kids have been ok with it.

I think it is hard to find people with the same schedule.

I have a 2yo and two kids in elementary. Afternoon and weekends are busy with big kids and their activities. My 2yo will start preschool 2 days per week. We are available MWF mornings. Kids in MWF preschool clash with us. Working moms are out. Some moms want to meet right after preschool but my child naps. Others want to meet late afternoon but we are busy.

[Anonymous]

I attribute a huge part of the challenge of this to the DC area. A lot of people here are competitive, ladder climber types more interested in getting ahead than authentic friendship. Even those interested in “friendship” may not willing to be authentic—they simply use friendships as an excuse to show off and present an Imstagrammable vision of a picture perfect life - they throw over the top dinner parties or kid’s parties, they host get togethers to show off their amazingly nice, clean house (god forbid you ever invite someone over and the house look, daresay, normal or messy), they excessively Instagram get togethers to show the world they have friends, how Pinterest-worthy their cooking is, etc. I’ve lived here for over a decade and still have friends who will have me over unless their house looks like it’s ready for a professional photo shoot.

Then there’s the childless - plenty of DINKS and singles will never have kids and will lose interest in you as a friend once you become a parent. They won’t like kids, or it will remind them of what they want and can’t/may never have, or they don’t care to be your friend once boozy brunch and late night drinking and adults only gatherings are not part of your regular life anymore.

Another huge hurdle is geography: It takes forever to get anywhere because of the traffic, and people live everywhere in the suburbs so even if you make good friends they could all live 30 minutes-an hour away and then it’s virtually impossible to get together around everyone’s perpetually overscheduled lives, kid’s nap schedules, illnesses, etc.

And then the whole transient nature of the city adds to the complexity, the massive range of wealth can put people on very different scales (in our neighborhood you’ve got low income housing, expensive apartments, and multimillion dollar homes) making it hard to relate, and the fact that people are constantly moving in and out creates a very difficult and constant churn.

Personally I spent close to a decade making friends and putting in the time and energy and so many of these folks have now moved I have largely given up. Meanwhile I have watched other friends move to new communities in other areas (Midwest, New England, Northwest) and find groups of friends relatively easy, so I honestly think much of the challenge is just DC. People don’t move here to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone! I have the same experience! I am always the organizer/initiater, etc....and rarely, rarely is it reciprocated. We moved into our neighborhood nearly three years ago and all I heard was how wonderful it is, how friendly everyone is, 'best neighborhood ever,' etc. We held a housewarming party, a big party for the kids, and hosted 2-3 dinners in that first year..... Out of all that, I think maybe one family asked us to a party at a restaurant with like 50 other people. So either we suck and everyone hates us or it's true what people say about the DC area (no social skills, etc).

I gave up. Haven't hosted anything for a year now. I barely even smile and wave at folks anymore when I walk my dog around the neighborhood. It's hard. I come from the South where people are friendly and social.

A housewarming and parties for your kids are for you, not for others and do not need to be reciprocated. Many don't do parties or housewarming. Housewarming is a gift grab.

Your attitude is exactly what the OP and many PP’s are identifying is the problem. A lot of the in this are have this attitude that someone is always trying to screw them or make hem beholden to them. It weird.

[Anonymous]

You probably always talk about your children. HINT, the rest if us do not want to hear about your kids and your problems! This is why you can't make friend.

[Anonymous]

You probably always talk about your children. HINT, the rest if us do not want to hear about your kids and your problems! This is why you can't make friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone! I have the same experience! I am always the organizer/initiater, etc....and rarely, rarely is it reciprocated. We moved into our neighborhood nearly three years ago and all I heard was how wonderful it is, how friendly everyone is, 'best neighborhood ever,' etc. We held a housewarming party, a big party for the kids, and hosted 2-3 dinners in that first year..... Out of all that, I think maybe one family asked us to a party at a restaurant with like 50 other people. So either we suck and everyone hates us or it's true what people say about the DC area (no social skills, etc).

I gave up. Haven't hosted anything for a year now. I barely even smile and wave at folks anymore when I walk my dog around the neighborhood. It's hard. I come from the South where people are friendly and social.

A housewarming and parties for your kids are for you, not for others and do not need to be reciprocated. Many don't do parties or housewarming. Housewarming is a gift grab.

Your attitude is exactly what the OP and many PP’s are identifying is the problem. A lot of the in this are have this attitude that someone is always trying to screw them or make hem beholden to them. It weird.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not going to be making real friends in this stage of your life. It's the reality of people and human nature. Call me skeptical but if people come across as overly friendly, I do wonder what their true intentions are.

I’m really sorry you feel that way because it’s absolutely not the case. I’ve made more friends in the stage of my life than ever before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I attribute a huge part of the challenge of this to the DC area. A lot of people here are competitive, ladder climber types more interested in getting ahead than authentic friendship. Even those interested in “friendship” may not willing to be authentic—they simply use friendships as an excuse to show off and present an Imstagrammable vision of a picture perfect life - they throw over the top dinner parties or kid’s parties, they host get togethers to show off their amazingly nice, clean house (god forbid you ever invite someone over and the house look, daresay, normal or messy), they excessively Instagram get togethers to show the world they have friends, how Pinterest-worthy their cooking is, etc. I’ve lived here for over a decade and still have friends who will have me over unless their house looks like it’s ready for a professional photo shoot.

Then there’s the childless - plenty of DINKS and singles will never have kids and will lose interest in you as a friend once you become a parent. They won’t like kids, or it will remind them of what they want and can’t/may never have, or they don’t care to be your friend once boozy brunch and late night drinking and adults only gatherings are not part of your regular life anymore.

Another huge hurdle is geography: It takes forever to get anywhere because of the traffic, and people live everywhere in the suburbs so even if you make good friends they could all live 30 minutes-an hour away and then it’s virtually impossible to get together around everyone’s perpetually overscheduled lives, kid’s nap schedules, illnesses, etc.

And then the whole transient nature of the city adds to the complexity, the massive range of wealth can put people on very different scales (in our neighborhood you’ve got low income housing, expensive apartments, and multimillion dollar homes) making it hard to relate, and the fact that people are constantly moving in and out creates a very difficult and constant churn.

Personally I spent close to a decade making friends and putting in the time and energy and so many of these folks have now moved I have largely given up. Meanwhile I have watched other friends move to new communities in other areas (Midwest, New England, Northwest) and find groups of friends relatively easy, so I honestly think much of the challenge is just DC. People don’t move here to make friends.

Hmmm. I keep a clean house. We have a housekeeper and I have a neat freak husband. I host casual play dates and birthdays. We have lots of friends. Often we meet in the middle so we both travel 10-20 minutes.

You sound really negative.

We have made so many great people. DH and I are very social. Our 3 kids have friends. We have moved within DMV. We have had a few friends move but made new ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not going to be making real friends in this stage of your life. It's the reality of people and human nature. Call me skeptical but if people come across as overly friendly, I do wonder what their true intentions are.

This is basically what people in the DC area are like. They don't accept people at face value and are very cautious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You probably always talk about your children. HINT, the rest if us do not want to hear about your kids and your problems! This is why you can't make friend.

You are nasty, and showed it twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I attribute a huge part of the challenge of this to the DC area. A lot of people here are competitive, ladder climber types more interested in getting ahead than authentic friendship. Even those interested in “friendship” may not willing to be authentic—they simply use friendships as an excuse to show off and present an Imstagrammable vision of a picture perfect life - they throw over the top dinner parties or kid’s parties, they host get togethers to show off their amazingly nice, clean house (god forbid you ever invite someone over and the house look, daresay, normal or messy), they excessively Instagram get togethers to show the world they have friends, how Pinterest-worthy their cooking is, etc. I’ve lived here for over a decade and still have friends who will have me over unless their house looks like it’s ready for a professional photo shoot.

Then there’s the childless - plenty of DINKS and singles will never have kids and will lose interest in you as a friend once you become a parent. They won’t like kids, or it will remind them of what they want and can’t/may never have, or they don’t care to be your friend once boozy brunch and late night drinking and adults only gatherings are not part of your regular life anymore.

Another huge hurdle is geography: It takes forever to get anywhere because of the traffic, and people live everywhere in the suburbs so even if you make good friends they could all live 30 minutes-an hour away and then it’s virtually impossible to get together around everyone’s perpetually overscheduled lives, kid’s nap schedules, illnesses, etc.

And then the whole transient nature of the city adds to the complexity, the massive range of wealth can put people on very different scales (in our neighborhood you’ve got low income housing, expensive apartments, and multimillion dollar homes) making it hard to relate, and the fact that people are constantly moving in and out creates a very difficult and constant churn.

Personally I spent close to a decade making friends and putting in the time and energy and so many of these folks have now moved I have largely given up. Meanwhile I have watched other friends move to new communities in other areas (Midwest, New England, Northwest) and find groups of friends relatively easy, so I honestly think much of the challenge is just DC. People don’t move here to make friends.

Hmmm. I keep a clean house. We have a housekeeper and I have a neat freak husband. I host casual play dates and birthdays. We have lots of friends. Often we meet in the middle so we both travel 10-20 minutes.

You sound really negative.

We have made so many great people. DH and I are very social. Our 3 kids have friends. We have moved within DMV. We have had a few friends move but made new ones.

You live in the burbs and are a wealthy homeowner, sounds like. Not the same experience as someone living in the city who isn’t wealthy.