Friendships in parenthood wtf?

[Anonymous]

Since becoming a parent, I find it hard to make and keep real friendships. Prekids, I met up with people at work and with DH’s coworkers. If their wives and I get it off, it was fun to hang out all together getting drinks or watching sports games.

Now, I meet other moms with kids similar in age to mine and it’s weird to navigate. Are they just meeting up to have kid play dates? Are they interested in becoming friends? Are they just burning time until they go back to work? Eg I have two mom friends (they don’t know each other) who both initiated meeting up with me initially and every time say what a good time they had and how we should do it again. But then they NEVER initiate. I invite them to play at a play place or in my home or at a park and they jump to meet. But if I wait to see if they do any inviting, it’s crickets. Are neither of them interested in hanging out? I’m also new to the area, is this indicative of the area in general? I’d rather people decline invites and say they don’t want to hang out rather than eagerly accept and never ever reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

OMG. I meant to type that their wives and I HIT it off, not get it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since becoming a parent, I find it hard to make and keep real friendships. Prekids, I met up with people at work and with DH’s coworkers. If their wives and I get it off, it was fun to hang out all together getting drinks or watching sports games.

Now, I meet other moms with kids similar in age to mine and it’s weird to navigate. Are they just meeting up to have kid play dates? Are they interested in becoming friends? Are they just burning time until they go back to work? Eg I have two mom friends (they don’t know each other) who both initiated meeting up with me initially and every time say what a good time they had and how we should do it again. But then they NEVER initiate. I invite them to play at a play place or in my home or at a park and they jump to meet. But if I wait to see if they do any inviting, it’s crickets. Are neither of them interested in hanging out? I’m also new to the area, is this indicative of the area in general? I’d rather people decline invites and say they don’t want to hang out rather than eagerly accept and never ever reciprocate.

Be patient. It takes time. It’s like dating but platonic friends. Be friendly but don’t appear needy. If they keep accepting your invites they must like you enough to accept. Believe me if they didn’t want to they would have a million excuses.

[Anonymous]

I've found that people in this area - parents and non-parents - have terrible social skills. Many people like to be invited but NEVER initiate or reciprocate. This will not improve as your kids age.

You'll make better friends once your kids are in school, but even that is fraught.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how old your kids are, but I didn’t find my tribe until my oldest started K.

[Anonymous]

You're not going to be making real friends in this stage of your life. It's the reality of people and human nature. Call me skeptical but if people come across as overly friendly, I do wonder what their true intentions are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since becoming a parent, I find it hard to make and keep real friendships. Prekids, I met up with people at work and with DH’s coworkers. If their wives and I get it off, it was fun to hang out all together getting drinks or watching sports games.

Now, I meet other moms with kids similar in age to mine and it’s weird to navigate. Are they just meeting up to have kid play dates? Are they interested in becoming friends? Are they just burning time until they go back to work? Eg I have two mom friends (they don’t know each other) who both initiated meeting up with me initially and every time say what a good time they had and how we should do it again. But then they NEVER initiate. I invite them to play at a play place or in my home or at a park and they jump to meet. But if I wait to see if they do any inviting, it’s crickets. Are neither of them interested in hanging out? I’m also new to the area, is this indicative of the area in general? I’d rather people decline invites and say they don’t want to hang out rather than eagerly accept and never ever reciprocate.

Be patient. It takes time. It’s like dating but platonic friends. Be friendly but don’t appear needy. If they keep accepting your invites they must like you enough to accept. Believe me if they didn’t want to they would have a million excuses.

But how many times do I have to invite and how long do I wait to invite again? I am not desperate to hang out with these women, but they both seem nice and like women I could actually be friends wth except for the lack of invitation. One of these women I hung back on inviting and 6 months went by! I finally invited her to coffee with our kids and she seemed so happy and said any day or time I picked would be fine. It’s been 3 months since then and I haven’t heard from her and haven’t reached out again.

I was thinking they would have excuses if they didn’t want to meet, but then I wondered if they were just being nice and hoping I could take the hint if they never reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not going to be making real friends in this stage of your life. It's the reality of people and human nature. Call me skeptical but if people come across as overly friendly, I do wonder what their true intentions are.

That is so depressing. I’m SAH and was hoping to find some real friends. Play dates and library times are fine, but with so much time during the day and the natural commonality of having young kids, I thought it would be easier to find at least one or two other women who might be interested.

[Anonymous]

Parents are so busy, that mostly they are just following their kids around. Unfortunately you can't just wear a tshirt saying "in the market for new friends". You might have better luck making friends based off of a hobby of yours to eliminate the confusion over whether it's just a playdate or can you actually be friends with them.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you a woman or a man?

[Anonymous]

This isn't just a parent thing - in adult friendships there are organizers and there are accepters, it's best to have multiple organizers so everyone feela confident and liked but sometimes one person just has to take on more of that role. The alternative isn't that it will even out and become fair. It's that you won't have as much of a friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not going to be making real friends in this stage of your life. It's the reality of people and human nature. Call me skeptical but if people come across as overly friendly, I do wonder what their true intentions are.

That is so depressing. I’m SAH and was hoping to find some real friends. Play dates and library times are fine, but with so much time during the day and the natural commonality of having young kids, I thought it would be easier to find at least one or two other women who might be interested.

I don't think this is true, it is definitely possible. But if YOU want to be friends, you might just havr to pursue that and worry less about reciprocation.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone! I have the same experience! I am always the organizer/initiater, etc....and rarely, rarely is it reciprocated. We moved into our neighborhood nearly three years ago and all I heard was how wonderful it is, how friendly everyone is, 'best neighborhood ever,' etc. We held a housewarming party, a big party for the kids, and hosted 2-3 dinners in that first year..... Out of all that, I think maybe one family asked us to a party at a restaurant with like 50 other people. So either we suck and everyone hates us or it's true what people say about the DC area (no social skills, etc).

I gave up. Haven't hosted anything for a year now. I barely even smile and wave at folks anymore when I walk my dog around the neighborhood. It's hard. I come from the South where people are friendly and social.

[Anonymous]

I guess this is me, but I don’t worry about reciprocation. If I want to meet up with someone, if it’s been 6 days, or 6 months, I text them an invite/otherwise reach out. I assume if they don’t enjoy my company, they’ll decline. We arrange things in our home often that are child friendly eg. casual dinners in the back yard, movie night, just summer evenings on the deck. We also host a few formal /organized events a year that are children optional/ children welcome early in the evening eg. Oktoberfest. We make those big events - last year, one couple brought two other sets of friends, and that really helped expand our social network.

I’m a trailing spouse who WAH, so my ability to form a network is impeded a little by the fact I don’t generally MEET anyone in a day. I know if I want a network, I have to put in more effort than the people that have been here for their entire lives and know all their friends since 2nd grade. I’d never expect to run a marathon without putting in some kind of effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've found that people in this area - parents and non-parents - have terrible social skills. Many people like to be invited but NEVER initiate or reciprocate. This will not improve as your kids age.

You'll make better friends once your kids are in school, but even that is fraught.

+1. I have teens. It doesn't get better. The parents still have terrible social skills, only now they're hyper-competitive because college is right around the corner and their kids reflect the parents in warped attitude. My HS kid can't wait to graduate and get away from her anxiety-ridden, boastful classmates. I'm so much happier being alone than being around those parents!