Feeling sad after sister passed and learning of her kindness to others

[Anonymous]

You don’t need therapy! She was mean to you and now she’s gone so just keep alive the great relationship you have with her children and move on. Don’t talk about it and simply take the high road. The relationship you had with her is what it is but it’s now over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Please do not say that my sister loved me. She clearly did not and that is why I wrote about my feelings in the first place. She was rude and unkind to me and my children. I was extremely upset by this, but there was nothing I could do about. I made attempts to make things better and they were rebuffed. It made me sad then and sadder now that she has passed. She was a great Mom to her kids and a great grandmother to their children. I am thankful I have all of them in my life. Life takes many twists and turns.

What exactly did she do to you that was so horrible and determined for you that she did not love you? Any examples?

If she was so cruel and full of hatred toward you and your children, did not her husband / anyone else ever see or hear?

[Anonymous]

Ever see the SNL skits for Mother's day or "The Best Christmas/" You have people taking about perfection and then flashbacks to the reality of chaos and sometimes hell? Well I'm pretty sure there would an uproar if they did one of these skits on the funeral of a mean family member, but I bet many people would relate.

On the skit you could have all these beautiful tributes and then flashbacks to the reality. "She always had a kind words for everyone." Flashack: She is telling off her sister as a tween and then kicks her. After funeral people coming up and telling stories of sainthood. Flashback:Those same people are talking about the person while still alive and saying what a selfish jerk the person is for doing A, b and C AGAIN.

People are not perfect and we expect flaws. However, OP I havce a hard time myself glorifying people who are downright jerks to us. I much prefer funeral sermons that weave in the truth. I remember one that said "She didn't show her love in traditional ways. She rarely said I love you and she was not full of outward warmth, but she pushed her kids to be better because she loved them. She made sure they had a financial safety net... blah blah" That one described one of husband's aunts and it went on really created an intricate portrait of a mean woman who I do believe cared in her own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Please do not say that my sister loved me. She clearly did not and that is why I wrote about my feelings in the first place. She was rude and unkind to me and my children. I was extremely upset by this, but there was nothing I could do about. I made attempts to make things better and they were rebuffed. It made me sad then and sadder now that she has passed. She was a great Mom to her kids and a great grandmother to their children. I am thankful I have all of them in my life. Life takes many twists and turns.

What exactly did she do to you that was so horrible and determined for you that she did not love you? Any examples?

If she was so cruel and full of hatred toward you and your children, did not her husband / anyone else ever see or hear?

Ignore this troll, OP. You don’t have to explain yourself any further.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. To the poster who said they would not pay for funeral of someome was mean to them: As I mentioned before, I love her children. They have no money. They need help and would never ask. I can help them them so they can have a proper and loving service for their Mom. I am so sad, but it is the right thing to do.. They need me and I want to do this for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. To the poster who said they would not pay for funeral of someome was mean to them: As I mentioned before, I love her children. They have no money. They need help and would never ask. I can help them them so they can have a proper and loving service for their Mom. I am so sad, but it is the right thing to do.. They need me and I want to do this for them.

OP you are getting defensive. It is OK to feel sad your sister was unkind to you. Paying for part of the funeral was your choice. The "right thing to do" is subjective in these murky cases and it is rigid to assume there is a rule book about how you do things for a sibling who was cruel;. You always have choices. You chose to do that. It seems like you are particular about how people respond to you here. I would have to look again, but nobody is judging you for being sad, but they have a right to say I wouldn't have done this or that. It's lovely you are there for her kids and you love them. It is OK to admit even to them that your relationship with their mom was not what you had wanted, but you love them dearly. Everyone knows people are complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Please do not say that my sister loved me. She clearly did not and that is why I wrote about my feelings in the first place. She was rude and unkind to me and my children. I was extremely upset by this, but there was nothing I could do about. I made attempts to make things better and they were rebuffed. It made me sad then and sadder now that she has passed. She was a great Mom to her kids and a great grandmother to their children. I am thankful I have all of them in my life. Life takes many twists and turns.

I’m sorry that is so sad. I didn’t realize. It was on her than not you. She had a disorder or something to treat you that way. You are being a wonderful Aunt and yes therapy might help you out this emotional loss and also loss of understanding why she reacted that way. Peace to you. Be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Please do not say that my sister loved me. She clearly did not and that is why I wrote about my feelings in the first place. She was rude and unkind to me and my children. I was extremely upset by this, but there was nothing I could do about. I made attempts to make things better and they were rebuffed. It made me sad then and sadder now that she has passed. She was a great Mom to her kids and a great grandmother to their children. I am thankful I have all of them in my life. Life takes many twists and turns.

What exactly did she do to you that was so horrible and determined for you that she did not love you? Any examples?

If she was so cruel and full of hatred toward you and your children, did not her husband / anyone else ever see or hear?

That was me, and I'm not a troll. Her description is "she didn't love me, she was unkind and rude." That doesn't make sense. You can be rude and still love someone. Or was she doing something blatantly heinous to you and your children? If so, why do you feel that it's a big secret from her family that she was like this to you?

[Anonymous]

If she let you get that close to her kids she must have thought somewhat highly of you, Op. It sounds as though her feelings towards you were conflicted but she did not hate you.

I think you just need to accept your sister for the flawed person that she was. Even if she were alive she would probably have a hard time articulating what her problem with you. She must have realized on some level that her feelings towards you were a bit irrational and unfair.

Hang in there. Your sister's family sounds awesome.

[Anonymous]

^problem with you was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Please do not say that my sister loved me. She clearly did not and that is why I wrote about my feelings in the first place. She was rude and unkind to me and my children. I was extremely upset by this, but there was nothing I could do about. I made attempts to make things better and they were rebuffed. It made me sad then and sadder now that she has passed. She was a great Mom to her kids and a great grandmother to their children. I am thankful I have all of them in my life. Life takes many twists and turns.

What exactly did she do to you that was so horrible and determined for you that she did not love you? Any examples?

If she was so cruel and full of hatred toward you and your children, did not her husband / anyone else ever see or hear?

That was me, and I'm not a troll. Her description is "she didn't love me, she was unkind and rude." That doesn't make sense. You can be rude and still love someone. Or was she doing something blatantly heinous to you and your children? If so, why do you feel that it's a big secret from her family that she was like this to you?

Ignore the troll, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry, and I can only imagine how difficult this is for you to hear that there was kindness directed at others but something very different directed toward you.

My husband's now-deceased mother was probably one of the most toxic people I've met. She was in a never-ending cycle of estrangement from her siblings; she constantly berated and put down her husband while simultaneously acting like a victim; she was entirely conditional in her love for her child; she made incredibly hurtful, cutting comments and being around her was an exercise in waiting for the bomb to drop. She was selfish, cruel, and unrelenting in harming the people around her.

Yet at her memorial gathering, we heard countless office mates and casual friends/acquaintances share stories of what a kind, generous, supportive woman she was, what a dear friend, how loving, how incredible, and oh, what a loss it must be to her family to lose such an amazing woman. It was like we were at the funeral of an entirely different person. It was...baffling.

So, it can certainly be the case that a person has very different faces. I think it's easier to show your "best self" to others for tiny little increments of time, but much harder to hide your true self. Or maybe it's just easier to be your worst self to the people you think will always (eventually) forgive you. I don't know, but please know you're not alone in experiencing something like this. It hurts.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any friends who are like sisters to you? I do. They make up for my biological sister's shortcomings.

Your feelings are understandable, though your sister's actions are hard to understand/explain.

I am sorry that she did not show you her kind/good side. It is generous of you to admit that it existed.

I think something in your family's past (very likely something that you did not do) created a barrier between you two.

I am glad that you are close to her children, which contain part of her. By loving and caring for them, you are honoring her, and bonding with her on some level.

Peace is my wish for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry, and I can only imagine how difficult this is for you to hear that there was kindness directed at others but something very different directed toward you.

My husband's now-deceased mother was probably one of the most toxic people I've met. She was in a never-ending cycle of estrangement from her siblings; she constantly berated and put down her husband while simultaneously acting like a victim; she was entirely conditional in her love for her child; she made incredibly hurtful, cutting comments and being around her was an exercise in waiting for the bomb to drop. She was selfish, cruel, and unrelenting in harming the people around her.

Yet at her memorial gathering, we heard countless office mates and casual friends/acquaintances share stories of what a kind, generous, supportive woman she was, what a dear friend, how loving, how incredible, and oh, what a loss it must be to her family to lose such an amazing woman. It was like we were at the funeral of an entirely different person. It was...baffling.

So, it can certainly be the case that a person has very different faces. I think it's easier to show your "best self" to others for tiny little increments of time, but much harder to hide your true self. Or maybe it's just easier to be your worst self to the people you think will always (eventually) forgive you. I don't know, but please know you're not alone in experiencing something like this. It hurts.

+1

This is hard, OP because your sister was part of your immediate family, and you are probably surrounded by seemingly normal families in your day to day life. We all want to have some sense of normalcy and balance. Truth is, there are no perfect families. Your sister was not perfect, even to outsiders. You are fine to share that, ever so subtly - you are free to have your peace. You don't need to go on about matters - be sure to take the high road, but you might say "that is so interesting, how she was so different at home!" and then go on to have a conversation - "so how is Joe?" I am perhaps not using the best of examples, but you are under no obligation to pass that womanoff as a saint. Maybe not in front of the kids, and don't dwell on it (again, take the high road) but still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any friends who are like sisters to you? I do. They make up for my biological sister's shortcomings.

Your feelings are understandable, though your sister's actions are hard to understand/explain.

I am sorry that she did not show you her kind/good side. It is generous of you to admit that it existed.

I think something in your family's past (very likely something that you did not do) created a barrier between you two.

I am glad that you are close to her children, which contain part of her. By loving and caring for them, you are honoring her, and bonding with her on some level.

Peace is my wish for you.

+1