Feeling sad after sister passed and learning of her kindness to others

[Anonymous]

My sister recently passed a few months ago. Her spouse is grieving terribly and I have been calling to see how he is doing. He has mentioned on several occasions many kind deeds she did for his family, neighbors, friends. Very generous favors.
She always had an edge for me. I am close to her children and do a lot for them. They have no idea how mean their Mom was to me. Her husband thinks we were close, not so. Here, I am consoling all of them and very sad what she did for others and not for me or my children. I am not taking money related things, jut everyday kindness. I would never say anything, but it really, really hurts me. I am helping pay for her memorial service, listening to all of their sadness. I am there for all of them, but she was not very nice to me. Please help me sort out my feelings. I love her children (all in 40’s) . Just venting and trying to figure out how to move on from my hurt feelings. Thank you for any insights and suggestions.

[Anonymous]

My parents are like the where they are very generous to others and extremely mean to me, including doing a party for a friend on my birthday (and didn't invite me). I've pulled back and am no longer being very supportive to them as all the people they are kind (including with money) should be there for them if that's what they prefer.

I'm sorry for your loss. Its great you are supportive of him and the kids. You are doing the right thing for the kids. No idea how to resolve the feelings but time.

[Anonymous]

Time will help, but talking to a therapist about it would help more.

[Anonymous]

It's not uncommon. My mother and her sister have both perfected the art of being charming to their wider acquaintance, while being rude and mean to those who are closest to them.

I am positive your sister loved you, OP. She took you for granted all right, but in time, I hope you can see she probably didn't mean to hurt you as she did.

[Anonymous]

It seems to be an odd phenomenon among some sisters. Chances are the dynamic was set up early in your youth out of some sibling rivalry that you probably don't even remember, then it became an ingrained, habitual behavior. We all tend to be most easily triggered by those closest to us, particularly mothers and sisters, or fathers and sons.

It is often easiest to be kind to strangers or new friends and acquaintances, where there is no history, no expectation, no hidden agenda, no underlying dynamic to complicate things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not uncommon. My mother and her sister have both perfected the art of being charming to their wider acquaintance, while being rude and mean to those who are closest to them.

I am positive your sister loved you, OP. She took you for granted all right, but in time, I hope you can see she probably didn't mean to hurt you as she did.

Seriously? You know nothing about OP’s sister. She might very well have resented OP all her life, from her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time will help, but talking to a therapist about it would help more.

+1. You are right to be sad but you are taking the high road. Your sister’s family will appreciate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister recently passed a few months ago. Her spouse is grieving terribly and I have been calling to see how he is doing. He has mentioned on several occasions many kind deeds she did for his family, neighbors, friends. Very generous favors.
She always had an edge for me. I am close to her children and do a lot for them. They have no idea how mean their Mom was to me. Her husband thinks we were close, not so. Here, I am consoling all of them and very sad what she did for others and not for me or my children. I am not taking money related things, jut everyday kindness. I would never say anything, but it really, really hurts me. I am helping pay for her memorial service, listening to all of their sadness. I am there for all of them, but she was not very nice to me. Please help me sort out my feelings. I love her children (all in 40’s) . Just venting and trying to figure out how to move on from my hurt feelings. Thank you for any insights and suggestions.

Yes, do see a therapist, you need someone to help you to heal and to find some light and peace. Chances are there was something about you that make her upset and she did not need daily reasons probably but just generally not liked you. Many times those things are related to the birth order.
Often an older sibling feels inside that the younger sibling destroyed their childhood and happiness by sheer arriving. They stole their spot, their light and the attention from the parents was never the same.
Sometimes the opposite happens, the younger sibling is upset at the older one because parents favorize the eldest child, they constantly idolize them, let them get away with little crimes against the little ones that the little ones suffer and take a note and carry in for life and act upon them sometimes conscious other times subconsciously.

Whatever it was, if you feel that nothing you did could cause her being like that to you, and you were always there for her, but looks like she was barely if ever for you, yet now you learn how wonderful she was to others, this can hurt.

You are surely hurt and now the biggest problem probably is that there is no time to level, to make anything right, to give her chance to make up to you for all those wasted and angry years. That is what hurts probably most. Some conflicts in the family are like that.. people are more angry at the diseased then when they were alive because they took away the opportunity to somehow make up. The ones that are left live on with the pain and sadness and unresolved issues with no chance for healing by reconciliation and some kind acts.

This is something that you can work through with your counselor. You most likely will need to find some things that will bring you a new perspective and help you to heal. Perhaps when you look at some things from different perspective the pain of the children left behind, the grief of the husband and the loss of a life of your sister maybe this can somehow balance your pain because it is real. It is final and it is unchangeable. You are grieving and you are angry but they lost the mother, the wife and she is not coming back. You will get over it somehow,
but sister is not someone you live with every day, mom and wife is, their hole in their lives are insane.

Also if you are in any way spiritual and believe in existence after life, then you might find that your sister is present near you and if you open your eyes to it and let yourself see the sign, then you will. It is also very possible that now she is one with love and peace of the universe and maybe she sees things she did to you and will try to make up to you. Look into yourself and maybe you will see and feel her presence.
I you think it is hard to live with some unresolved issues, think how hard it must be to be dead and not having a body and not being able to do anything to fix things one messed up. Eternity is a very long time. It is said that in forgiveness one finds real peace and healing.
It is also known how difficult forgiveness is. However if you look at it, you might realize that you can not loose much by forgiving her but you can gain everything. If you can not forgive her for any other reason maybe you can take a pity on her for her loss of life, loss of the joy and happiness of being with her kids, her husband and seeing them all grow older and old.. that is a huge loss. You still have it, she lost it all.

Don't rush anything, grief is a heavy companion and it will not let you run fast. You have to carry your load the way it lets you. Grow stronger each day and it will became lighter.

Please go to see a therapist, they will help you to sort all those feelings and sorting is half of the successful healing. You need to know what you are feeling and how you are grieving and then you will became stronger.

Hugs and peace!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems to be an odd phenomenon among some sisters. Chances are the dynamic was set up early in your youth out of some sibling rivalry that you probably don't even remember, then it became an ingrained, habitual behavior. We all tend to be most easily triggered by those closest to us, particularly mothers and sisters, or fathers and sons.

It is often easiest to be kind to strangers or new friends and acquaintances, where there is no history, no expectation, no hidden agenda, no underlying dynamic to complicate things.

This is exactly how it is with my mother and her sister.

I am sorry for your loss, OP - and for all the hurt, complicated, sad feelings this is raising for you. I'm sure you did your best, and it is very good of you to extend your kindness to your sister's family even with your mixed feelings.

I hope you will do something good for yourself. You deserve self care while you are grieving and sorting out your feelings.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so much for your very kind thought provoking words. I read each and every one and agree on some level with all of you. You are right, I should see a therapist. You are right she did seem to resent me. Sad, I will never know why.
I love her children and know they love me. I feel guilty that I am here with her children and she is gone. Yikes! That hurts to type those words.
Again, thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate your taking the time to answer my post.

[Anonymous]

Your sister loved you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister loved you.

You have no way of knowing this. She may just have been your typical narcissist who charmed everyone around her while being mean to her sister.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Please do not say that my sister loved me. She clearly did not and that is why I wrote about my feelings in the first place. She was rude and unkind to me and my children. I was extremely upset by this, but there was nothing I could do about. I made attempts to make things better and they were rebuffed. It made me sad then and sadder now that she has passed. She was a great Mom to her kids and a great grandmother to their children. I am thankful I have all of them in my life. Life takes many twists and turns.

[Anonymous]

OP, others may have seen that side of her too. Her husband may feel he has to make her sound like a saint. I have been to funerals of cruel relatives where everyone, even people who hated them, made them sound like saints.

I've had people gush to me about my mother as a saint and how selfless she was taking care of my dad. She was the queen of rage fits and she threatened to divorce him constantly once she became a caregiver. That was a step up from when she threatened to smother him with a pillow and we got a doctor involved. (Didn't think she would harm him and he was no peach to her, but she was definitely crying for help).

Don't be surprised if your BIL moves on fast, even your sister was truly kind to him. I've seen many a widowed man be engaged or married within a year of the loss.

The kids are lucky to have you. I personally would not have helped to pay for the funeral of someone who was cruel to me, but that is done.

[Anonymous]

People always say nice things to the spouses or kids about someone who had passed away. Always. Even if it has been embellished.