Reply to Feeling sad after sister passed and learning of her kindness to others

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm sorry, and I can only imagine how difficult this is for you to hear that there was kindness directed at others but something very different directed toward you.

My husband's now-deceased mother was probably one of the most toxic people I've met. She was in a never-ending cycle of estrangement from her siblings; she constantly berated and put down her husband while simultaneously acting like a victim; she was entirely conditional in her love for her child; she made incredibly hurtful, cutting comments and being around her was an exercise in waiting for the bomb to drop. She was selfish, cruel, and unrelenting in harming the people around her.

Yet at her memorial gathering, we heard countless office mates and casual friends/acquaintances share stories of what a kind, generous, supportive woman she was, what a dear friend, how loving, how incredible, and oh, what a loss it must be to her family to lose such an amazing woman. It was like we were at the funeral of an entirely different person. It was...baffling.

So, it can certainly be the case that a person has very different faces. I think it's easier to show your "best self" to others for tiny little increments of time, but much harder to hide your true self. Or maybe it's just easier to be your worst self to the people you think will always (eventually) forgive you. I don't know, but please know you're not alone in experiencing something like this. It hurts.[/quote]

This is hard, OP because your sister was part of your immediate family, and you are probably surrounded by seemingly normal families in your day to day life.  We all want to have some sense of normalcy and balance. Truth is, there are no perfect families.  Your sister was not perfect, even to outsiders.  You are fine to share that, ever so subtly - you are free to have your peace.  You don't need to go on about matters - be sure to take the high road, but you might say "that is so interesting, how she was so different at home!" and then go on to have a conversation - "so how is Joe?" I am perhaps not using the best of examples, but you are under no obligation to pass that womanoff as a saint.  Maybe not in front of the kids, and don't dwell on it (again, take the high road) but still. [/quote]

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