Do you feel the number of children you have was a joint decision?

[Anonymous]

I would have been happy with zero or one. Dh wanted at least 2 but would have liked 3-4 if possible. We settled on one with the possibility for two with a large age gap. We ended up with twins the first time around so the decision was made for us.

[Anonymous]

yes, joint decision.

[Anonymous]

DH and I actually talked about children when we were dating. We both thought two would be the best since both would be working. Turns out we had twins and one with severe SN. It would have been nice to have a third to give non-SN child a typical sibling but we also felt at capacity.

[Anonymous]

Mostly, it was my decision. We had three kids in four years (all about two years apart). I was happy with the spacing, but I also wanted to continue my career. I'm not meant to be a stay at home parent. Three is enough given our budget and time constraints.

My husband wanted four to six kids. He comes from a large family, and thrives on chaos. After a failed IUD, I decided I was getting my tubes tied. He then immediately volunteered to a vasectomy. But that was a realization, not necessarily what he would have chosen on his own.

Now our three kids are teenagers and he is SO RELIEVED that we only have three. Teenagers are tough.

[Anonymous]

We both grew up in 3-child families and wanted more to create an all-for-one/one-for-all assemblage. Thought we had stopped at five but had a surprise sixth — the more the merrier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A dad here....I really was nervous to be a dad. Not sure I could do it. I had enough trouble taking care of myself. I like to go out after work, etc as well...and so did my wife. I finally caved and we had one. Then I just felt like having an only child was wrong so we had #2 22 months later. Wife wanted a 3rd and I said NO WAY!. Two is PLENTY! It created a lot of tension for YEARS. I ended up getting snipped as well. I think there is still some resentment, but, right now, I still believe it was the right decision NOT to have a 3rd.

you couldn't have a 3rd child but here are you posting on DCUM. what kind of man does this?

PP is entitled to express his opinion and his contribution is appreciated. I’m reporting you to Jeff.

[Anonymous]

Not yet. We agreed on 3 and planned for 3 until DC2 was born. That baby was an exceptional baby but he hit our lives like a bomb. It's been 4 years now and we talk about it occasionally but Spouse says he doesn't want a third anymore and I do. We talk about it more now because it's a source if tension. He doesn't want to deal with the baby stage or the logistics of 3. I agree the baby stage (and pregnancy) is terrible but they grow out of it. And the logistics of 2 are already terrible with both of us working (Which will continue, not looking to stay at home).

Compromise is hard - the only one I can think of is what PP mentioned, trying for a set time period and then moving on. But spouse needs to be okay that it may result in a baby.

I wish I knew what to do. I think I will resent him and regret not even trying for another.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Initially wanted three but after DC2 was born, I had severe ppd. I could not handle a third. DH is on board with it. If he wants a third, he’s never once mentioned it.

[Anonymous]

I want number two much more than husband does, and I told him we won't have number two until he wants it too (which may never happen). I don't want to have a kid that my husband doesn't really want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people answer “the no vote wins”, but that type of language and thinking automatically creates two sides instead of a unified front. We currently have different opinions about adding to our family, and I really just want us to find space where we can both acknowledge one another, feel seen and heard and come to a place of agreement, even if that means “not getting my way”.

There are two individuals who decide this. I am not sure what the end purpose of these verbal gymnastics is, especially given your last statement.

[Anonymous]

I accepted "no vote wins" before getting married. Husband wanted 1or 2, I wanted 3, we agreed on 2. I am pregnant with 2 now and I don't think I will change my mind, we don't have the income for 3 here and my husband's point about environmental impact is logical too, but I do think sadness about the end of the baby stage forever may be tough for me to deal with emotionally.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important for both parents to listen and acknowledge each other's feelings, concerns, and preferences, and not just dig in their heels, but I think that ultimately, the "no" vote wins. And people might deeply disagree, and that's okay, so long as they are in a relationship where they know that their partner took their views seriously, even if they didn't get what they wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people answer “the no vote wins”, but that type of language and thinking automatically creates two sides instead of a unified front. We currently have different opinions about adding to our family, and I really just want us to find space where we can both acknowledge one another, feel seen and heard and come to a place of agreement, even if that means “not getting my way”.

(I'm going to assume in my response that you want another child. Apologies if this is incorrect.)

I think you are fooling yourself. One of you wants another child. One of you doesn't. There is a fundamental disagreement. There is no compromise or "unified front" to be had. What there is is someone being convinced to do something that they'd prefer not to (or, that they really, really, really don't want to).

What does it mean to feel acknowledged, seen, and heard on this? Is he telling you you really don't want another? I dunno, I suspect deep down what you are really saying is: "If he understood how important this is to me, he'd agree to have another child." This is a lot like a teenager who says, "You don't understand!" when in reality it's not that I don't understand. I just that I don't agree with you.

You want another. He doesn't. That's the beginning and the end of it. Seriously. You can argue and cajole and attempt to persuade. But doing too much of this is doing exactly what you think he is doing to you: Not acknowledging your feelings, not feeling seen and heard.

[Anonymous]

We have four. I would like more, but DH feels done. I feel a little sad about it sometimes, but my youngest is going to kindergarten next year, and I am
kind of glad to be out of the baby/little kid stage.

[Anonymous]

My DH wasn't super into having a third, but I basically preempted him thinking about it much by saying that I'm done after two. Both kids couldn't sleep through the night for over a year, and I was a mess, and I don't think my body or our marriage could have survived another child, so I basically didn't let the question go up for discussion. Luckily this worked and my DH didn't waste his time wondering about whether we should have more. (Or if he did, he never brought it up.)

Had I wanted a third, he probably would have agreed, though very cautiously.