Do you feel the number of children you have was a joint decision?

[Anonymous]

So many people answer “the no vote wins”, but that type of language and thinking automatically creates two sides instead of a unified front. We currently have different opinions about adding to our family, and I really just want us to find space where we can both acknowledge one another, feel seen and heard and come to a place of agreement, even if that means “not getting my way”.

[Anonymous]

DH and I decided together. Or rather, we both had a vision of the number of children but then the decision was made for us and we both knew and accepted that.

[Anonymous]

We decided together. He wanted one more and I was a little ambivalent. I knew it meant a lot to him so I left open a window of time. We agreed if it didn't happen within that window that we would be ok with the kids we already had. Well, the window went out the window because by the next month I was pregnant.

Still the best compromise I ever made, as I can't imagine any life without this kid in it.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the “no vote wins” notion. My husband feels that vetoing gives him power in everything, including deciding on the number of children.

[Anonymous]

Definitely! But DH was open to as many as I wanted so I guess the decision was mine.

[Anonymous]

Initially, no. Eventually, yes.

[Anonymous]

My husband would have been fine to stop at 2 kids, but I talked him into a 3rd. He was on board, though.

We never discussed having 4 kids and at one point I thought I was accidentally pregnant again and he actually handled it well (i wasn’t pregnant though).

[Anonymous]

For us, we both wanted three and were fortunate to be able have three. I think sometimes it works out like this and other times it doesn’t. I couldn’t imagine going for more children than the other partner wanted — sounds like a disaster for a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Mostly. My husband wanted #2 a lot more than I did. But I agreed. He now wants one more and I am a firm no. It's my body. I'm the one that has to go through pregnancy and labor and all the hormonal shifts of expecting and then being postpartum, the newborn phase/cluster feeding... I just can't do it again.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but both of us would have been fine with or without kids. When I thought maybe we should go for it DH was on board. Our relationship wouldn’t have advanced to marriage if DH had REALLY wanted kids, because I was not sure that I did. That combination could be a really good formula for a rocky marriage.

[Anonymous]

The decision itself was mutual, but we have different reasons. DH’s is financial. I think we could financially afford a third (DH is very conservative with money), but that we don’t have enough time or mental energy for a third. Both kids have SN’s so I feel like I’m at capacity.

[Anonymous]

Not really. DH would happily have another, but I have zero interest. He agrees to the extent that my happiness and buy-in is important to him, so he doesn't continue to bring it up. But in the end our family size is what it is, because that's what I want.

[Anonymous]

Yes. DH comes from a large family and I come from a family of two kids many years apart. He wanted zero to two, no more. I wanted at least two. So we have two.

[Anonymous]

Definitely, and we both compromised along the way for each other. Ended up with 2 (he preferred 1 and done, I preferred 3-4)
While I am sometimes a little sad that we won't have more, I understand his reasons and am very content with our family. And he understood that if we didn't have a second, I probably would have been sad to the point of resentment and it would have greatly affected our relationship. (There was no reason to not have 2, we're young/healthy/financially secure)

[Anonymous]

A dad here....I really was nervous to be a dad. Not sure I could do it. I had enough trouble taking care of myself. I like to go out after work, etc as well...and so did my wife. I finally caved and we had one. Then I just felt like having an only child was wrong so we had #2 22 months later. Wife wanted a 3rd and I said NO WAY!. Two is PLENTY! It created a lot of tension for YEARS. I ended up getting snipped as well. I think there is still some resentment, but, right now, I still believe it was the right decision NOT to have a 3rd.