DS is a Magnet for Crazy

[Anonymous]

My son has a good friend who has Asperger's who tends to relationships with women who, if not always actually unstable, certainly don't fit norms. The most bizarre one was a self-described artist who would cut herself and use her blood in her paintings (can't even say that was really the strangest thing about her). He's a very calm person, in some cases he's stayed in relationships to protect the woman.

OP, here is one thought: perhaps your DS doesn't have great skilled when it comes to calibrating emotional relationships. One thing your DS might watch out for is women who ratchet up the emotional connection very quickly. In our world of people having sex very quickly (no judgment, have done it myself) it is also easy, I think, for people to respond to what feels like an emotional connection that is arguably too soon.

But really, it is on DS to manage his own responses as opposed to "looking for warning signs". Unless your DS doesn't know how to discern normal from abnormal behavior to begin with, in which case HE has a problem. (Also, fwiw, I'd take issue with any assumption that someone who deals with MH issues should be considered poison when it comes to relationships, so let's not conflate "crazy" and mental illness unnecessarily). If he wants (key word) to avoid these situations, he can set some ground rules for himself when it comes to stages of involvement as well as skills for backing off at an earlier stage if a)he's actually not that excited about the relationship or b) he finds himself too excited, as in getting sucked into something.

May not be explaining it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Google the "Hot/Crazy Index" - it is gospel and you're welcome.

This

[Anonymous]

My sister had mental health issues in her early 20's including anorexia, depression and a psychotic break for which she was hospitalized. She got better into her 30's and married nice guy who was clueless about her MH history. In her 40's her mental health deteriorated and he is stuck dealing with her and kids. I feel bad like our family should have told him, even though she warned us not to bring the past up to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is in his 20's and is once again trying to extract himself from a relationship with an attractive but very mentally troubled young woman. This women is having panic attacks, obsessive thoughts, threatening harm to herself, etc. She is under medical care but she is still unstable and is trying to get back together with DS. I am concerned about the stress and safety of both of them.

He has gotten involved with other women that struggled with sanity and mental health issues. In each case DS said he didn't realize they had severe mental problems until several months into it and then the break ups were scary.

What are the warning signs of mental illness that he us missing?? How do you detect crazy in the dating pool?

DS is lying if he says all these women are severely mentally ill but somehow he can’t tell for several months.

The alternative is that DS meets women with mild mental illness, then he makes them much, much worse through gaslighting and other behaviors. My sociopathic dad this to his first wife, my mom, and wife #3. All were mildly neurotic women that he manipulated.

Are you saying that someone can't hid their crazy for the first few months of a relationship?

Mild mental illness, sure.

Not “severe mental illness”. Not without considerable, sustained help from their family and friends. I can imagine that happening once, but with multiple women?

[Anonymous]

I think that there is a large percentage of singles with mental health problems now. Maybe meds mask it until they don't.

[Anonymous]

I wish there was an Angies List for dating.

[Anonymous]

I agee with the PP that mental Heath issues that are being treated and monitored are different than untreated mental illness or poor impulse control/immaturity that someone thinks keying cars etc is acceptable end of relationship behavior.

As for red flags, how is it different than what women look for as red flags with guys? You worry about extremes like too fast too soon, too possessive and not being okay on his own. Co-dependency is a red flag for me. I can’t be someone’s happiness, I look for people that are happy with themselves and life before we get into a serious relationship. I also take the relationship slow enough so I see how the person interacts with other people, meet their friends, know that they are gainfully employed (sometimes an underlying issue why someone cannot hold down a job would impact a romantic relationship beyond financial implications) and see if there is a consistency in behavior over time and if their actions and words are aligned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is 'crazy sex'?? It doesn't sound appealing.

Generally speaking it’s sex with a woman who authentically and genuinely enjoys it. You hear guys in their 20s talk a lot about sleeping with women who act like it was a gift that they gave them and the men should be happy to have received it. That sex sucks. Good sex is a sex with a girl who is into it. Unfortunately, that’s usually relegated to the crazy ones. On the upside, they tend to be incredibly hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is 'crazy sex'?? It doesn't sound appealing.

Generally speaking it’s sex with a woman who authentically and genuinely enjoys it. You hear guys in their 20s talk a lot about sleeping with women who act like it was a gift that they gave them and the men should be happy to have received it. That sex sucks. Good sex is a sex with a girl who is into it. Unfortunately, that’s usually relegated to the crazy ones. On the upside, they tend to be incredibly hot.

If you believe a crazy person who tells that you are a great lover you are the delusional one. Funny that you like 'crazy sex' because you got positive feedback from a crazy woman. Hahaha.

[Anonymous]

My brother is a very calm, steady and intelligent guy who has it together. Just a quiet confidence, kind of a Boy Scout, and as a result he has crazy women all over him. They're drawn to a steady keel to help keep them balanced.

[Anonymous]

I dated people who did not treat me well, frequently in dramatic and abusive ways, in my late teens though mid20s. It was a decision I made because I was getting something from it. Some of that was sexual, some was emotional. This would not have been visible to my parents. I do not think this is just happening randomly to your kid. But he has to work it out himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is 'crazy sex'?? It doesn't sound appealing.

Generally speaking it’s sex with a woman who authentically and genuinely enjoys it. You hear guys in their 20s talk a lot about sleeping with women who act like it was a gift that they gave them and the men should be happy to have received it. That sex sucks. Good sex is a sex with a girl who is into it. Unfortunately, that’s usually relegated to the crazy ones. On the upside, they tend to be incredibly hot.

+1


Not just 20's LOL.

[Anonymous]

Sex with crazy women is usually the best...

[Anonymous]

In each case DS said he didn't realize they had severe mental problems until several months into it and then the break ups were scary.

A lot of girls of that age are overly dramatic and emotional. But it's not fair to say that he is magnet for crazy. Introducing an idea about "crazy women" out there is damaging. In the best case scenario he'll end up being one of those single guys constantly demanding "drama free" women on OKC, and that's a red flag in any woman's book.

The whole premise that these girls seem normal and then abruptly change their behavior tells me that it's totally possible that DS tends to change his behavior first, and those girls react to that either asking for reassurance or in a more eruptive way. Their emotions are possibly something that attract him in the beginning and then he starts cooling off. Any women with daughters knows how young girl's emotions could become like a roller-coaster on any day, not to mention while going through a break ups. But they are not crazy.

[Anonymous]

When my son was 14 and in 8th Grade (in 10th now) he experienced crazy with a girl from school. They "dated" (spent more time together at school) and when she started getting upset that he wasn't texting her back right away he decided it would be best for them to be friends.

She didn't like that and you can guess where things went from there.

This girl is a master manipulator and was quite savvy for an 8th grader and my son was not (and still isn't) quite as savvy. The fallout for him was awful and he ended up leaving the school mid year.

Thankfully we documented everything.

Your son should probably not date for a while. He should be enjoying his 20's hanging out with friends and advancing his career.