How do I/should I talk to my mom about money and sibling issues?

[Anonymous]

Op, it's likely that she has no idea about the importance of trust funding. Financial advisor here. I talk to wealthy people all the time who inadvertently have asset titling mistakes that need to be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Op I would be upset too. My best guess is that she doesn’t understand the implications when she dies. I would just ask her calmly as part of the review/prep for the planner. Take it from there.

[Anonymous]

I understand the emotional hurt, but your brother may need the money more than you.

[Anonymous]

Brother could, you know, get a real job. Instead of relying on his Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, two college accounts is a LOT. If your kids got that much during your mother's lifetime, it's fair that your childless brother should get the amount of the total your kids got.

I wonder if she does not understand about the joint account being titled in your brother's name. I think you should talk about it with her very calmly and point out that it means your brother will inherit more.

To be clear, the house she just bought him is already more than twice the value of the two college accounts. And that was just this year’s gift. She gives him about 50k/year, every year. Never mind any inheritance issues. If she gave my kids that in their college accounts each year that could both go to college for free several times over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"fully half her assets are in an investment account titled jointly under her name and my brother's name"

I would certainly ask why your name isn't on there, too.

It sounds like he has access to that now, while your mom is still alive. Which is... difficult to understand even though it's her money.

So, legally it’s his money now too. My idiot uncle did this with his dead beat daughter. Guess what, she drained the account. Left him destitute.

[Anonymous]

Certainly would ask her intentions. She asked you to get involved.

[Anonymous]

If your mom asked for your help then you two are close enough for a discussion. Mom, I know that you want to divide everything equally, so how about adding my name to your investment account? It's a neutral question. If she declines, then ask why. Try not to bring up hurt feelings, instead probe your mom's rationale. Maybe she'll realize how lopsided it's been over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. Add “It is entirely your decision how to handle your money, but I can’t separate my feelings when I see that you’ve made arrangements that are so unequal. It’s best if you just handle this yourself because it’s inevitably going to affect my relationship with Brother”

I think you start by asking her intentions. As pp's have noted, she may really not understand how the account is titled and/or think her will will override the account titling. Make sure you understand her intentions. If they are to leave 3/4 to your brother, then I would say something like pp's idea.

[Anonymous]

OP, as you have said, it’s her money and she can do as she likes with it. Your feelings of rejection or favoritism are related because you are judging her feelings for you using her money as a gauge. You have two issues here.

For the money, be as objective as you can. Ask her what her goals are wrt to how she wants to spend her money during her lifetime and leave it after her death. Write that down and get her to review. Bundle the necessary documents under this goal list and hand it over to a responsible financial advisor you help her choose. Then step back a bit. Perhaps she will realize after going through this exercise that she is not currently set up to achieve her goals. But they are her goals for her money, not yours.

On the emotional side, you could address how you think she feels about you and your kids and your brother and how that all makes you feel. But you have to separate this from the money. How you feel a out how much more support she gives your brother but bot that his house cost her $350k and he gets $50k/yr and how she has only given 5% of this value to your kids’ college funds, etc. You are using a pretty detailed ledger to value her feelings and yours.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I truly don’t think about all this very much - I decided long ago that I just could not spend my time feeling bitter about the way she subsidizes my brother. It was just her request that I help get things ready for a financial advisor, and the discovery that she has actually titled half her assets in his name, that brought it all up. It makes me so upset that I honestly feel like just saying, “you need to ask him to help you with this.” That is the problem, it is not so easy to separate the emotional stuff out. It’s not about the money as such. It’s the money as symbol of unequal care.

Ugh ugh ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I truly don’t think about all this very much - I decided long ago that I just could not spend my time feeling bitter about the way she subsidizes my brother. It was just her request that I help get things ready for a financial advisor, and the discovery that she has actually titled half her assets in his name, that brought it all up. It makes me so upset that I honestly feel like just saying, “you need to ask him to help you with this.” That is the problem, it is not so easy to separate the emotional stuff out. It’s not about the money as such. It’s the money as symbol of unequal care.

Ugh ugh ugh.

Exactly, sometimes people on DCUM have flamed others in this situation. But when a parent intends to leave a legacy that favors one child, IT HURTS. My mother subsidizes my brother now, during her lifetime. On the one hand I don't want/need the money that she worked her butt off to earn. However, knowing that she and my father plan to leave disproportionate amounts to their two children has strained our relationship because it is a reflection of how disparately she regards us. While we're not estranged in any way, I will always be reminded that she cared more for my brother. It's more humiliating in a way because he is not a particularly good person by most people's standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that it hurts your feelings and that it would be nice to think of her grandchildren.

She has set up college funds for her grandchildren. However, IT IS HER MONEY, not yours, and you have no right to tell her how to spend, divide, or use her money. Butt out. You are jealous of your brother and his easy lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

OP, talk to your mother and ask her why. If it’s blatant favoritism you don’t have to help her. Your feelings are completely understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that it hurts your feelings and that it would be nice to think of her grandchildren.

She has set up college funds for her grandchildren. However, IT IS HER MONEY, not yours, and you have no right to tell her how to spend, divide, or use her money. Butt out. You are jealous of your brother and his easy lifestyle.

Butting our means not having to help her mother manage her finances for her brothers benedit.