How do I/should I talk to my mom about money and sibling issues?

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I feel really conflicted about whether and how to talk to my mom about money, estate planning and some sibling issues. I have one sibling, a brother who is two years younger than I am. We are both late 40s. He is unmarried and has no kids; I am married and have two teens. My brother is a "creative" type and has lived (by choice) a peripatetic life since college, traveling the world, doing freelance work. He is successful (has an excellent reputation in his field) but probably earns a quarter of what I earn each year. No clue what he has saved for retirement. I have a more traditional job situation, with a steady salary and have a decent retirement nest egg.

Our mother is in her late 70s and is fairly wealthy. (Not crazy rich, but more than comfortable). During her lifetime, she has never helped me financially since college: I have never needed it, never asked and she never offered. She did set up college savings accounts for my two kids, unasked, which I appreciate. Meanwhile, she has subsidized my brother throughout his adult life, giving him quite substantial gifts year in and year out; she just bought him a $350,000 house, for instance. (He could not have afforded it otherwise, so she just gave it to him).

This has always bugged me a bit, though I have never said anything to her about it. Ultimately it's her money and her business), but yes, it hurts my feelings. Partly the emotional issue is just old sibling stuff: my lifelong feeling that my brother was the favorite child, blah blah, that she thinks his creative career is cool and interesting so she will subsidize it, while she sees me as the boring, uncreative child. It's true that I don't need her financial help - I do fine. But part of me feels like: damn it, no good deed goes unpunished! The "responsible" kid gets no help, but the "irresponsible" kid gets subsidized.

The reason this is now really bothering me: she asked me for help finding a financial advisor and getting her materials ready for a meeting with the advisor, and in the course of doing this, at her request, I discovered that while half her assets are titled in a trust that will, after her death, benefit my brother and me equally, fully half her assets are in an investment account titled jointly under her name and my brother's name.

I was honestly kind of shocked to see this. It's not about the money as such: If she decided to leave her entire estate to charity it would bother me a whole lot less. It guess it just triggered all my old, childish hurt feelings ("Why does she love him more?" Etc. It's like the ant and the grasshopper story -- if they were siblings and mom showed up at the last minute to bail out the grasshopper...)

Should I talk to her about this, or just decide it's none of my business? If I talk to her, is there any way to do that without sounding like a hurt child or an entitled brat?

[Anonymous]

Yeah that really sucks op. So you are getting 1/4 and he’s getting 3/4? At least he won’t get stepped up basis since he already owns it. I wouldn’t talk to her about it. What is there to say?

[Anonymous]

I would let her know that it hurts your feelings and that it would be nice to think of her grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

I would delicately try to explore the facts before saying you are upset. She may have something else pls need for your kids. The house maybe? Also, how much has she contributed toward your kids’ savings?

[Anonymous]

Not pls need. I meant planned.

[Anonymous]

OP: I totally get the emotional hurt, having been in a similar situation myself.

It really sucks that she's asking YOU for help and giving him the money.

I don't have any good advice here, just commiserating.

[Anonymous]

If rich families like yours didn’t subsidize our brilliant creatives, we would have less light in this world. So try to take some happiness in being a part of the patron class. And I say this as a corporate lawyer.

That said I don’t assume she understands that he will get all the assets in the account jointly held. You’re well within your rights to ask her if that’s her intention.

[Anonymous]

How much did she give your kids for college? If it was an equal amount, stop complaining. Otherwise forget it. My parents are like that too. But, they have given nothing to us for college and spend very little on our kids (maybe a few books and a toy a year). My sibling is a good earner but single and she gets everything. Fine with me.. but now they want me to take care of them and not a chance. She gets the money, she can help.

[Anonymous]

If she is looking for an advisor she might be looking to make things more equitable before her death.

[Anonymous]

"fully half her assets are in an investment account titled jointly under her name and my brother's name"

I would certainly ask why your name isn't on there, too.

It sounds like he has access to that now, while your mom is still alive. Which is... difficult to understand even though it's her money.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The amount my mother has put into college savings accounts for my kids is less than 5% of the amount in the account jointly titled with my brother.

My mother has always said that her intention is to simply divide her assets equally between my brother and me upon her death, So it is definitely possible that she just does not understand that titling this investment account jointly under her name and my brother’s, rather than under the name of her revocable trust, affectively takes this out of her estate and simply makes it my brothers property after her death.

My mom has never been very good about money or a very sophisticated about financial issues or estate planning issues. It is entirely possible that she just doesn’t really understand the implications of this. I could see her just thinking that it might be convenient to put my brother’s name onto a joint account so he could access funds quickly if he happens to need ir without her having to transfer money to him, since as I said, she has subsidized him on and off over the years. she may never have thought about the estate planning issue.

And I don’t think anything nefarious is going on on my brother’s part. I don’t think he would deliberately do anything underhanded, either with regard to me or with regard to my mother. Yes, he is willing to accept help from her, but I don’t think he is dishonest Or that he would knowingly mislead her in anyway. Honestly I think he is as unsophisticated about money as she is.

I don’t know if all this makes me feel better or worse.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really need to ask your mother about this. She’s involved you, and this is business. Especially since you think she may not understand the ramifications of her actions.

[Anonymous]

I would just say: "Mom, this is too painful for me to help you with." And back away.

[Anonymous]

OP, two college accounts is a LOT. If your kids got that much during your mother's lifetime, it's fair that your childless brother should get the amount of the total your kids got.

I wonder if she does not understand about the joint account being titled in your brother's name. I think you should talk about it with her very calmly and point out that it means your brother will inherit more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just say: "Mom, this is too painful for me to help you with." And back away.

I agree. Add “It is entirely your decision how to handle your money, but I can’t separate my feelings when I see that you’ve made arrangements that are so unequal. It’s best if you just handle this yourself because it’s inevitably going to affect my relationship with Brother”