How do I/should I talk to my mom about money and sibling issues?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to have a candid discussion with your mother while you have the chance. I was in a similar situation as this, although with significantly less money involved, when my father passed away. I wound up being left nothing and still feel bitterness and resentment whenever I think about it. There is a decent chance that he did not realize this would happen, but I can’t help but wonder why, if this was the case, he didn’t put in the small amount of effort required to make sure his wishes were carried out. Since your mother is asking for help, take the chance to talk it through and truly understand her intentions before you spend the rest of your life assuming the worst.

[Anonymous]

This is such a tough topic! My mother is still alive and if she did this to me I would be devastated. I come from a large family and everyone thinks they are the alpha. However I did this to my own child. I left her entire inheritance to her children because of deep an unrelenting hurt that her and her husband have caused our family. Her brother, who she hates, is the trustee. No one should be rewarded for poor behavior. No one should be rewarded after they delete family members from their life.
It is just so complicated! In your case OP, your brother could be manipulating things behind the scenes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here. The amount my mother has put into college savings accounts for my kids is less than 5% of the amount in the account jointly titled with my brother.

My mother has always said that her intention is to simply divide her assets equally between my brother and me upon her death, So it is definitely possible that she just does not understand that titling this investment account jointly under her name and my brother’s, rather than under the name of her revocable trust, affectively takes this out of her estate and simply makes it my brothers property after her death.

My mom has never been very good about money or a very sophisticated about financial issues or estate planning issues. It is entirely possible that she just doesn’t really understand the implications of this. I could see her just thinking that it might be convenient to put my brother’s name onto a joint account so he could access funds quickly if he happens to need ir without her having to transfer money to him, since as I said, she has subsidized him on and off over the years. she may never have thought about the estate planning issue.

And I don’t think anything nefarious is going on on my brother’s part. I don’t think he would deliberately do anything underhanded, either with regard to me or with regard to my mother. Yes, he is willing to accept help from her, but I don’t think he is dishonest Or that he would knowingly mislead her in anyway. Honestly I think he is as unsophisticated about money as she is.

I don’t know if all this makes me feel better or worse.

Politely and calmly ask her if she understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason this is now really bothering me: she asked me for help finding a financial advisor and getting her materials ready for a meeting with the advisor, and in the course of doing this, at her request, I discovered that while half her assets are titled in a trust that will, after her death, benefit my brother and me equally, fully half her assets are in an investment account titled jointly under her name and my brother's name.

She got you involved in her finances, so it's quite fair to ask about them. Something like, "I see that half your investments are also in Larlo's name, and the other half will be shared by us. Is it your intention that he 3/4 of your estate goes to him?" Then see what she says. If that's actually her plan, you are certainly entitled to let her know that the unequal distribution feels like an expression of her feelings toward the two of you. She might not see it that way--she might just be worried about her darling baby boy while she knows you can take care of yourself. But you're still entitled to your feelings, and she should know in advance that an unequal plan could be potentially damaging, particularly in terms of your relationship with your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really need to ask your mother about this. She’s involved you, and this is business. Especially since you think she may not understand the ramifications of her actions.

Mom, if you want my help, that's great. I'm happy to. This stuff is confusing so lets go through it all so that I am sure I understand your wishes and I am sure that what you intend is what is happening.

* Then when you have the conversation, she will have to say "yes, that's right. 75% to your brother."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If rich families like yours didn’t subsidize our brilliant creatives, we would have less light in this world. So try to take some happiness in being a part of the patron class. And I say this as a corporate lawyer.

That said I don’t assume she understands that he will get all the assets in the account jointly held. You’re well within your rights to ask her if that’s her intention.

Seriously, this is the pint of the grasshopper and the ant. I’m team Gradshopper by the way. But I get your feelings. She gave your kids college rides. Be grateful

[Anonymous]

Point/ Grasshopper

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that it hurts your feelings and that it would be nice to think of her grandchildren.

She has set up college funds for her grandchildren. However, IT IS HER MONEY, not yours, and you have no right to tell her how to spend, divide, or use her money. Butt out. You are jealous of your brother and his easy lifestyle.

Butting our means not having to help her mother manage her finances for her brothers benedit.

OP said she isn't financially savvy, her mom may not understand the implications as other have said. Her mom opened the door to a conversation by asking for help.
And it's weird to attribute jealousy about the lifestyle when she didn't complain about any struggling on her part. Plus she was completely upfront about being hurt.

[Anonymous]

I think some of you failed to see this clarification by OP:

"To be clear, the house she just bought him is already more than twice the value of the two college accounts. And that was just this year’s gift. She gives him about 50k/year, every year."

The house cost $350K, and that is more than twice the value of the two college accounts. So, the most that the college accounts could be valued at is $175K. Split that in two and you have $87.5K for each kid. That is by no means a free ride college degree at a 4-yr residential college.

[Anonymous]

Her giving him more money does not mean she loves him more, it means she feels he needs it more. You need to let go of this notion of fairness and how much money and things he gets equals affection. It doesn’t (necessarily).

The world does not provide equally to all people and neither do parents.

As much as we try to raise our children into intelligent, independent, self sufficient adults, sometimes that doesn’t pan out. You have two kids: if one marries well, makes a good income, has healthy kids going to great school and the other is barely getting by, married to a jerk, and has kids that are struggling from an unstable home environment, are you going to be able to maintain giving them the exact same resources and time from you in order of fairness?

Try to give her some grace and let her do what she feels is best with her money without putting your emotions into it.

[Anonymous]

I feel really bad for OP. Parents can be so clueless.

Here is my advice. Since you said that your mom isn't sophisticated about finances, I suggest you really dumb it down for her. Create a set of pie charts that show in a visual way how much of her "pie" she is currently planning to give to brother and how much to sister. Then do another pie that is a bit more equally split. She can choose between those images. This is usually much easier for decision making that a bunch of numbers in lines on a sheet of paper. You might also want to do some charts where you show the total amount she's already given him during life vs. what she's given to you and your kids' college funds.

And just be emotionally prepared for her to say that she does intend for him to get 3/4. Decide in advance whether you want to offer her other ways to think about what is best. If you do want to engage in that conversation, prepare some very clear talking points and maybe create some visuals for that discussion.

One thing that I did when discussing this sort of thing with my parents (who had planned to give everything to the only son) was to point out that his wife would likely outlive him, and would then inherit everything. In my brother's case, he doesn't have children with her but she had kids from a prior marriage and some of them are horrible people. When they realized that their life savings would likely end up in those awful kids' hands, they came around to seeing that their original plan wasn't a good idea. Since your brother isn't married, perhaps raise the issue with your mom that someone she's never even met will likely be the one to spend her hard-earned money. That might shake up her way of thinking.

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some of you failed to see this clarification by OP:

"To be clear, the house she just bought him is already more than twice the value of the two college accounts. And that was just this year’s gift. She gives him about 50k/year, every year."

The house cost $350K, and that is more than twice the value of the two college accounts. So, the most that the college accounts could be valued at is $175K. Split that in two and you have $87.5K for each kid. That is by no means a free ride college degree at a 4-yr residential college.

I saw that, and I also saw OP say that college contributions are less than 5% of the joint account held by the mother/brother. So this is a $3mm issue, at least, I would guess. I would probably have just asked my mother when I saw it - but my mother also doesn't have that kind of money, so maybe a different relationship.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, from my estimation you have been giving darling brother about 50k/year, every year. I may be having some ill feelings re: fairness. While I am very, very grateful for the two college accounts, I can't help but think that the value of the house you bought darling brother is worth twice what the college accounts are worth. This is very awkward to discuss this but I am hoping to discuss it because I know you wouldn't want bad feelings to develop between me and darling brother"

In short, I think you say, "you don't want bad feelings to develop ..." put it in the future, as a future possibility BUT you must lay-out enough specifics re: money so she knows you know. Sometimes parents may hope-hope that any inequity is not noticed. At least, let them know you are financially savvy ... they should be (a little) proud of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, from my estimation you have been giving darling brother about 50k/year, every year. I may be having some ill feelings re: fairness. While I am very, very grateful for the two college accounts, I can't help but think that the value of the house you bought darling brother is worth twice what the college accounts are worth. This is very awkward to discuss this but I am hoping to discuss it because I know you wouldn't want bad feelings to develop between me and darling brother"

In short, I think you say, "you don't want bad feelings to develop ..." put it in the future, as a future possibility BUT you must lay-out enough specifics re: money so she knows you know. Sometimes parents may hope-hope that any inequity is not noticed. At least, let them know you are financially savvy ... they should be (a little) proud of that.

That sounds manipulative. "Give me more of your money or you are ruining my relationship with brother"

Not cool and wrong. You don't get a say in how your parents divide assets

[Anonymous]

It's never wrong to honestly tell someone how you feel.