How do I/should I talk to my mom about money and sibling issues?

[Anonymous]

though, true, they certainly should divide money anyway they want, certainly

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you so much! I am one of four siblings, and the only one to have an independent life. Sure, my sibs have all married and had kids, but my mom still helps to financially to support all of them..doctors, lawyers, rent, down payments, groceries. gas, insurance..the list go on and on! My mother is in her 80's and my sibs are in their fifties! Co-dependent much? I drew the line when I found out that she was passing down her behavior to provide for my siblings children's education and activities (her grandchildren) while my two children (ALSO her grandchildren) are ignored by her. I can only surmise that she sees us as not "needing" her, and the squeaky wheel always gets the grease. So hurtful and crazy. Our contact is minimal now, and sibling relationships have been destroyed. At least your mom showed she cared about your kids future, but you should still ask her to clarify her intentions to you since she asked for your help.

[Anonymous]

OP, just want to reiterate that it is likely your mother does not understand that having your brother's name on the accounts means it is his after she dies.

I would go into the conversation with the perspective that she does not understand the fact. If she does well then I think it's ok to ask 'Why? Am I missing something?'

No point to get into the ongoing additional support that goes to your brother. That seems inappropriate to me.

[Anonymous]

You either have the guts to talk about it, or you have to forget about it and forgive forever. I suggest talking about it. That means in an informative way, not a bossy way, not emotional. But clear and simple and direct. Or forget it, and forget it forever - it will then be your burden. It will be your burden to make sure it doesn't affect any of your relationships. Frankly, I'd rather have a conversation. At least, then, you are authentic expressing your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I feel really conflicted about whether and how to talk to my mom about money, estate planning and some sibling issues. I have one sibling, a brother who is two years younger than I am. We are both late 40s. He is unmarried and has no kids; I am married and have two teens. My brother is a "creative" type and has lived (by choice) a peripatetic life since college, traveling the world, doing freelance work. He is successful (has an excellent reputation in his field) but probably earns a quarter of what I earn each year. No clue what he has saved for retirement. I have a more traditional job situation, with a steady salary and have a decent retirement nest egg.

Our mother is in her late 70s and is fairly wealthy. (Not crazy rich, but more than comfortable). During her lifetime, she has never helped me financially since college: I have never needed it, never asked and she never offered. She did set up college savings accounts for my two kids, unasked, which I appreciate. Meanwhile, she has subsidized my brother throughout his adult life, giving him quite substantial gifts year in and year out; she just bought him a $350,000 house, for instance. (He could not have afforded it otherwise, so she just gave it to him).

This has always bugged me a bit, though I have never said anything to her about it. Ultimately it's her money and her business), but yes, it hurts my feelings. Partly the emotional issue is just old sibling stuff: my lifelong feeling that my brother was the favorite child, blah blah, that she thinks his creative career is cool and interesting so she will subsidize it, while she sees me as the boring, uncreative child. It's true that I don't need her financial help - I do fine. But part of me feels like: damn it, no good deed goes unpunished! The "responsible" kid gets no help, but the "irresponsible" kid gets subsidized.

The reason this is now really bothering me: she asked me for help finding a financial advisor and getting her materials ready for a meeting with the advisor, and in the course of doing this, at her request, I discovered that while half her assets are titled in a trust that will, after her death, benefit my brother and me equally, fully half her assets are in an investment account titled jointly under her name and my brother's name.

I was honestly kind of shocked to see this. It's not about the money as such: If she decided to leave her entire estate to charity it would bother me a whole lot less. It guess it just triggered all my old, childish hurt feelings ("Why does she love him more?" Etc. It's like the ant and the grasshopper story -- if they were siblings and mom showed up at the last minute to bail out the grasshopper...)

Should I talk to her about this, or just decide it's none of my business? If I talk to her, is there any way to do that without sounding like a hurt child or an entitled brat?

you either have the kind of relationship/family where this issues are discussed openly or you don't. it seems like you don't. it will be difficult to start that now. why didn't you speak out earlier?

my sister (and i) would raise hell decades earlier if in your situation. ultimately it seems like you think it's ok for her to divide things so unequally and are blaming yourself for feeling hurt. you seem to believe in that philosophy "but it's her money" and you are even ok with her giving it to charity. with attitude no wonder you are slighted. you can't fight this effectively because you don't believe in your own cause.

[Anonymous]

This would bother the heck out of me and yes, I sure would mention it. I don't get parents like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: This is such a tough topic! My mother is still alive and if she did this to me I would be devastated. I come from a large family and everyone thinks they are the alpha. However I did this to my own child. I left her entire inheritance to her children because of deep an unrelenting hurt that her and her husband have caused our family. Her brother, who she hates, is the trustee. No one should be rewarded for poor behavior. No one should be rewarded after they delete family members from their life.
It is just so complicated! In your case OP, your brother could be manipulating things behind the scenes.

I do realize that you are spreading your poisonous resentment to the next generation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, it's likely that she has no idea about the importance of trust funding. Financial advisor here. I talk to wealthy people all the time who inadvertently have asset titling mistakes that need to be fixed.

+1. We are going through this now. DH has actually taken time off work to make sure that everything is titled correctly, in the name of the trust with both him and his brother as trustees. DH's mom was putting major accounts in one child's name or the other because she believed it would make things easier if they needed to access the money in case of emergency, without realizing the implications. If OP can work with both her mother and brother to resolve this, it will be better. Posters on here often say that it is up to the parents to decide how to leave their money, but dementia/alzheimer's have slowly robbed my in-laws of their critical thinking skills and at some point it is better if the children can step in and help manage and make decisions. It wasn't like there was one day when suddenly they need help, it has been a long slow, and sad decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: This is such a tough topic! My mother is still alive and if she did this to me I would be devastated. I come from a large family and everyone thinks they are the alpha. However I did this to my own child. I left her entire inheritance to her children because of deep an unrelenting hurt that her and her husband have caused our family. Her brother, who she hates, is the trustee. No one should be rewarded for poor behavior. No one should be rewarded after they delete family members from their life.
It is just so complicated! In your case OP, your brother could be manipulating things behind the scenes.

I do realize that you are spreading your poisonous resentment to the next generation?

+1

Fair and square. Period. I would not trust anyone who is given the bulk of their parent's estate, given that they have siblings who are in regular contact. I know someone who moved their mother in (to a home the mother bought for her) expressly so that they could take her (their mother's) money. The thief tried to say all sorts of things that were not true, to "justify" their taking all of their parents hard earned money, expensive jewelry, and priceless family photos. Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that it hurts your feelings and that it would be nice to think of her grandchildren.

She has set up college funds for her grandchildren. However, IT IS HER MONEY, not yours, and you have no right to tell her how to spend, divide, or use her money. Butt out. You are jealous of your brother and his easy lifestyle.

Butting our means not having to help her mother manage her finances for her brothers benedit.

This is mean. The OP is clearly saying she gets that it's her mother's money AND it hurts her feelings. And the mom is asking even more of her daughter by asking daughter to manage the money in some ways for her (OP, possible she WANTS you to know this? Not to hurt your feelings but to give you a heads up?)

Of course it does. Similar situation and I feel similarly.

[Anonymous]

I think her asking your help with your financial documents is a great opportunity to clarify this with her. Just calmly explain to her how things stand currently (ie 75% to brother; 25% to you) and ask if it was intentionally. If it is, then you mentally hand over all your moms care in her old age to your brother.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally understand what you are going through. Similar situation in my family. I tried to discuss with my mother but she doesn't seem to understand. Also frustrated because she will complain she doesn't have any money and I have had to help out with expenses only to discover she has been giving tons of money to my sibling. No words of advice, just sympathy!