DUMBEST argument, but bigger issues

[Anonymous]

I'm not explaining this right.

It's not about him making a dumb mistake. We all do. It's this digging in his heals and then getting mad at me for not going along with his "explanation" that it's really what he said it was. That's the issue. He's mad at ME for not drinking the [kool-aid] milk, when as I said, I don't care if I even have the damn milk. It "became an issue" when he saw me put my cereal away, and then got mad at me. Yelled at me for not eating what he claims to be soy milk.

Seriously, you all would be OK with that? Getting yelled at over breakfast when you just tried to have a damn bowl of cereal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you were being annoying at all. It's weird to insist something is soy when the packaging says otherwise. I'd probably say "Clearly you're having a day because you're blowing up over milk. Come talk to me when you've come to your senses."

Yes. The fact he'd so vehemently insist the milk is something he isn't is really, really odd. I'm willing to bet it's not about the milk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I'm going to sound like a loon, but I have no idea what in the world just happened, and what I could have done to change this.

We are a house that doesn't do regular milk. Soy and almond milk only. Been this way for 10+ years. Husband goes to Costco to get more, and comes back with regular milk. I was confused and said, "did you decide you'd rather go with the regular milk?" sort of really confused, but whatever, it's MILK. Who ultimately cares. Until he goes from zero to sixty on this one question - tells me over and over it's soy milk. Guys, it's regular milk. Pictures of cows. Narrative on what they feed their cows on the side. Nowhere anywhere does it say the word soy. Because it's not. So I just casually say, "hmm, I wonder if this was in the wrong section because this ain't soy milk."

He blows up at me. OK, clearly it's not about the soy milk, but how in the hell do you interact with someone who, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, still stays the course and continues to point fingers at you as the person to blame? Because that's what's going on here. What's irritating is that he'll fight to the mats on this one, and if I then go out and buy actual soy milk, he'll yell at me, and so now I'm stuck. Like I said, it's milk, so what, I'll live.

But WTH?? This is the dumbest argument.... Do I just do/say nothing and let him figure it out when the damn milk ultimately spoils because he got three huge containers of it, and he'll be the only one drinking it? Or is this something to address? Like, dude, don't speak to me that way when you're OBJECTIVELY WRONG?? I have no idea how to "argue" with something that claims the sky is green. I'm more looking for tips from BTDT folks because what I've been doing the past 12 years obviously isn't working.

This is an abuse tactic called gaslighting. He's gaslighting you. This is not ok, to put it lightly. You have been enduring this for a very long time and I highly recommend therapy (individual and couples therapy, but I have serious doubts about his ability to see what he is doing as wrong). I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not explaining this right.

It's not about him making a dumb mistake. We all do. It's this digging in his heals and then getting mad at me for not going along with his "explanation" that it's really what he said it was. That's the issue. He's mad at ME for not drinking the [kool-aid] milk, when as I said, I don't care if I even have the damn milk. It "became an issue" when he saw me put my cereal away, and then got mad at me. Yelled at me for not eating what he claims to be soy milk.

Seriously, you all would be OK with that? Getting yelled at over breakfast when you just tried to have a damn bowl of cereal?

No, of course not. He was totally in the wrong and not taking responsibility for his mistake. We have ALL done things like this. Grab the package next to the one you are looking at and suddenly you are bringing home Decaf instead of Regular. It happens.

But the fact that he was blame shifting, and not admitting that it was actually cow's milk ... is just weird and wrong.

Is this is out of character for him? or is it a regular strategy of his? because your strategy for dealing with this might be different depending upon what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Op, your husband is the one in the wrong here. You did nothing wrong.
Does he react this way a lot? My husband can be this way. It's crazy making.

Pp, yes, I've picked up the wrong thing before. And if my dh noticed that I picked up 3 HUGE containers of something that will go to waste, but I didn't realize it, it would be helpful to know. For something little like he picked up fat free sour cream and your family prefers regular for taco night... meh. I wouldn't say anything. Either we'd eat it or we'd waste a couple bucks and a tiny amount of fridge space. But 3 gallons of milk that you know nobody will drink, I would think to myself maybe we should return it, so I should probably ask dh what his plans are for the milk. I'm sympathetic to op because sometimes my own dh can be outrageously sensitive and it's ridiculous to have to stay silent about such an obvious thing like which type of milk is in the refrigerator.

[Anonymous]

FWIW: if it is not “the lacteal secretion obtained from one or more healthy milk-producing animals" it is NOT milk. If it is, it's not "regular milk", it's milk. Soy milk is not milk. Rice milk is not milk.

How old is he? Ever read the book "We Are Not Ourselves"? Early onset Alzheimer's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

FWIW: if it is not “the lacteal secretion obtained from one or more healthy milk-producing animals" it is NOT milk. If it is, it's not "regular milk", it's milk. Soy milk is not milk. Rice milk is not milk.

How old is he? Ever read the book "We Are Not Ourselves"? Early onset Alzheimer's?

He just sounds like a jerk who hates to be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

FWIW: if it is not “the lacteal secretion obtained from one or more healthy milk-producing animals" it is NOT milk. If it is, it's not "regular milk", it's milk. Soy milk is not milk. Rice milk is not milk.

How old is he? Ever read the book "We Are Not Ourselves"? Early onset Alzheimer's?

He just sounds like a jerk who hates to be wrong.

Like OP WHO “doesnt care” about milk, but made a point to put her cereal away, and ask DH repeatedly about his choice in milk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd shift from arguing with him about it to "how are we gonna fix this?" mode.

Tone is important in these conversations too.

But then I would have just said "look this is cow's milk, I'm not arguing about that fact anymore. Do you want to return it or should I run out and do it?"

How cheap are you? You would waste your time returning something under $5?

[Anonymous]

If this is out of place for your husband, let it go. Give him a BJ and move on. He may be stressed about something he isn't mentioning. If this is normal, you have a bigger problem. The person who brought up gaslighting is correct that this is an instance of it. It's really insidious, make sure he is not regularly doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

FWIW: if it is not “the lacteal secretion obtained from one or more healthy milk-producing animals" it is NOT milk. If it is, it's not "regular milk", it's milk. Soy milk is not milk. Rice milk is not milk.

How old is he? Ever read the book "We Are Not Ourselves"? Early onset Alzheimer's?

He just sounds like a jerk who hates to be wrong.

Like OP WHO “doesnt care” about milk, but made a point to put her cereal away, and ask DH repeatedly about his choice in milk?

What? He blew up at her first for innocently questioning him about something he'd never done before. And I didn't see anything about repeatedly questioning him .... are you the husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He probably feels dumb for buying the wrong milk and didn't like it being pointed out.

Sounds to me like he was being overly defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably feels dumb for buying the wrong milk and didn't like it being pointed out.

Sounds to me like he was being overly defensive.

Sounds like her tone was annoying and naggy. He was sick of it. Let me guess this isn’t the first time op was a know-it-all.

[Anonymous]

To add, I can practically hear the “this ain’t soy milk” tone in my head. She was condescending and rude. Sure he was wrong but I don’t speak to my spouse like they’re a f’ing idiot, like she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

FWIW: if it is not “the lacteal secretion obtained from one or more healthy milk-producing animals" it is NOT milk. If it is, it's not "regular milk", it's milk. Soy milk is not milk. Rice milk is not milk.

How old is he? Ever read the book "We Are Not Ourselves"? Early onset Alzheimer's?

He just sounds like a jerk who hates to be wrong.

Like OP WHO “doesnt care” about milk, but made a point to put her cereal away, and ask DH repeatedly about his choice in milk?

What? He blew up at her first for innocently questioning him about something he'd never done before. And I didn't see anything about repeatedly questioning him .... are you the husband?

After SHE passive aggressively put her cereal away and had to ask TWICE about milk.

Oh wait...but she doesn’t care. She had to make at least three directed points about something she didn’t care about per her own post,mostly about what he did wrong /not to her prefern ce, but he’s the jerk?