Issues to consider when inviting very ill FIL and wife to live in our home

[Anonymous]

How is your MIL with your kids? This could end up being a very lovely gift to your kids if it fosters a close relationship with their grandparent. It also is a beautiful real way to teach them values.

That said, can you afford it? What happens if MIL falls ill herself and FIL is still alive? I don't know, would be very tough. My mother lived with us for about a year with great needs at the end of her life and it was hard but boy am I glad I did it. I'm sure that I would offer the same to my MIL.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL cannot care for him alone--you say that she can barely care for him now, and that's not sustainable. If they can't afford help, you will either have to pay for it or step in yourselves. There's no way around that.

And think about the practicalities--how can he share a bathroom with three kids and still keep medications and any equipment safe? Is your bathroom set up so that someone can assist him with bathing? Will you need to install shower bars or other equipment to make that possible?

If you cannot make your home a safe place for him, and ensure that he gets the full-time care he's going to need, then having him live with you is not a kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. Sharing a BEDROOM with your children? Withbyour FIL having hallucinations and all sorts of other issues, no way. It is not safe for your kids. If it was a hospice situation where he only had a few days/weeks, you could have the kids bunk in with you for a short time. But you both work full time andnit sounds like you have a very small house.

My father has Parkinson’s and I could never care for him while also caring for my young children. It wouldn’t be fair to him. Your father needs a nursing home, preferably near you, where you (and occasionally the kids) can visit him. Does your step mother in law have kids of her own who could help pay for an apartment? Your FIL needs round the clock care, but if he is in a nursing home, your SMIL could get a part time job.

They'd be sharing a bathroom, not a bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your MIL with your kids? This could end up being a very lovely gift to your kids if it fosters a close relationship with their grandparent. It also is a beautiful real way to teach them values.

That said, can you afford it? What happens if MIL falls ill herself and FIL is still alive? I don't know, would be very tough. My mother lived with us for about a year with great needs at the end of her life and it was hard but boy am I glad I did it. I'm sure that I would offer the same to my MIL.

Even if MIL is a lovely grandma, she's not going to have time or energy to spend with the grandkids if she's the primary caregiver for a person as needy as OP's FIL is.

My grandmother lived with us for a time, and it was wonderful, but she was not that ill for most of it, and for the rest of it, she had hospice care so my parents were not primarily responsible for her physical care. I think that an older woman is going to be overwhelmed with this, and if OP and her husband are not willing or able to help out and/or pay for help, they are not necessarily doing anyone a favor by letting them move in.

[Anonymous]

OP, your FIL would be much better off in a care facility with frequent visits and lots of regular engagement from you and your family. Dementia, Parkinson's AND dialysis is not a load that can be managed as a side project for two FT working parents who are also managing 3 small kids. It's wildly unrealistic and unfair to everyone involved, not least your FIL.

Another point to bear in mind: Whatever his condition was before he was hospitalized, it will not revert to status quo ante. Elderly patients never fully recover from the decompensation they experience while hospitalized.

Where do your inlaws live now? Is there a home/apartment that could be sold to finance his care?

You should be focusing your energies now on working with the hospital social worker on the best possible (and closest possible) placement for him. BTW the PP who said the hospital social worker will just try to pawn him off on you is wrong - they're not idiots or totally irresponsible.

One other point: track down the hospital's palliative care department / specialist. We met with them when my parent who had Alzheimers went through a long hospital stay. The palliative care specialists were truly wonderful in helping us think through the right questions to consider in order to give him the best possible quality of life with dignity to figure out where he would be best situated and to manage his care during the later phases of his illness.

[Anonymous]

Dialysis means you have to take him for 4 hour sessions three times a week at the dialysis center. If he is on home dialysis, that requires extensive amounts of training and equipment.

Dementia means he may become violent, etc. He will need to be constantly watched.

You are already stretched too thin with three kids and work.

It wouldn't be fair to anyone unless you can afford round-the-clock aides for him, and they likely have to be experienced aides (plus they have to be able to drive him to dialysis) to deal with the host of issues. Aides are not cheap and Medicaid will not pay. Do you have that kind of money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dialysis means you have to take him for 4 hour sessions three times a week at the dialysis center. If he is on home dialysis, that requires extensive amounts of training and equipment.

Dementia means he may become violent, etc. He will need to be constantly watched.

You are already stretched too thin with three kids and work.

It wouldn't be fair to anyone unless you can afford round-the-clock aides for him, and they likely have to be experienced aides (plus they have to be able to drive him to dialysis) to deal with the host of issues. Aides are not cheap and Medicaid will not pay. Do you have that kind of money?

They are not offering to help with care so this is a non-issue. They are only offering a room. They are not offering to pay for aides or any support.

[Anonymous]

I knoe

[Anonymous]

You say your MIL can barely care for FIL - not sure why she would be better able to do so at your home. You need to assume that, if you do this, you and DH will be doing a significant degree of his care, especially the heavy lifting. Literally.

My grandfather had Parkinson's. He ended up bedridden for over 2 years. He had to be physically helped to the bathroom, shower, etc. It required a full-time health aide, since my father couldn't be there all the time. There will be middle of the night accidents to clean up.

Living with someone with dementia or Alzheimer's can be frightening for young children. This would be my biggest concern. My mother tells stories about her grandmother who had Alzheimer's and lived with them when my mom was a teen. Her grandmother would get violent sometimes. She would get confused about where she was and who my mom and her parents were. One time she was trying to leave in the middle of the night. My grandfather was trying to physically restrain her. She didn't recognize my grandfather (her son) and was fighting him, saying "wait until my sons get here!" My mom still has such a vivid memory of this scene, and my grandfather crying.

So, yes, there's a lot to consider. A lot depends on the kinds of symptoms your FIL has. Personally, my biggest hesitation would be the impact to my kids. Is there going to be lots of yelling from a confused man who doesn't recognize them? Would he pose a physical danger to them?

Good luck. This is such a hard situation to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the plan for MIL once FIL passes?

I would help them. I'm currently in a similar situation and am having my parents move in. My mother will live by herself if my father passes, though, and then my siblings will help her if needed later. I'm pretty sure I'd make the same decisions even if I knew taking mom in now meant I'd have her forever, but I'm not totally sure.

Step MIL is only 55 and able-bodied. She can't work however because FIL's needs are so great. So, we would have to assume (state clearly) that she would move out upon his passing. He may live for 10 years - we don't know! He is physically well enough, despite his many, many issues, to live for a while. His brain, however, isn't working well.

She would have to care for him. We are not volunteering to care for him. Our house is a place to live. But, I know the lines would get blurry, and that's part of what concerns me.

This is not realistic...

I bet MIL is already exhausted from caring for him alone. What happens in 5 years when he needs diapers... and help bathing... and also wanders around the house at night potentially getting hurt or turning on the stove and forgetting? Who’s going to drive FIL to appointments?

What’s the plan if MIL gets sick? I’m not even talking a major medical issue - what if she has the flu? Is she still going to be the only one changing diapers, bathing and babysitting FIL? What if MIL breaks a leg or arm? That’s at least 2 months where all his caretaking falls on you. What if she has to go out of town for a wedding/funeral/whatever? What if she has to go to a doctors appointment?

There’s about zero chance that you and DH don’t end up being directly involved in his care. You need to come to terms with this before you invite them to live with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your FIL would be much better off in a care facility with frequent visits and lots of regular engagement from you and your family. Dementia, Parkinson's AND dialysis is not a load that can be managed as a side project for two FT working parents who are also managing 3 small kids. It's wildly unrealistic and unfair to everyone involved, not least your FIL.

Another point to bear in mind: Whatever his condition was before he was hospitalized, it will not revert to status quo ante. Elderly patients never fully recover from the decompensation they experience while hospitalized.

Where do your inlaws live now? Is there a home/apartment that could be sold to finance his care?

You should be focusing your energies now on working with the hospital social worker on the best possible (and closest possible) placement for him. BTW the PP who said the hospital social worker will just try to pawn him off on you is wrong - they're not idiots or totally irresponsible.

One other point: track down the hospital's palliative care department / specialist. We met with them when my parent who had Alzheimers went through a long hospital stay. The palliative care specialists were truly wonderful in helping us think through the right questions to consider in order to give him the best possible quality of life with dignity to figure out where he would be best situated and to manage his care during the later phases of his illness.

I don't think it can be managed by anyone without substantial professional help, honestly. Physical incapacitation plus dementia means you need someone experienced who is also large/strong (or two people) around at all hours to handle this, particularly since dialysis means the person must leave the home for treatment (or require in home dialysis which requires constant monitoring by an experienced person) several times a week.

[Anonymous]

Does he have Medicaid? If so ask for a UAI to be done by the social worker at the hospital. Even if he doesn’t go to the nursing home he can qualify for an attendant at the house. That being said it won’t be 24 hour care, more like 6 or 8 hours per day.

Personally I don’t think I could do it. If you did the nursing home you could commit to visiting multiple times per week. Usually the people who get the best care are people with involved families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say your MIL can barely care for FIL - not sure why she would be better able to do so at your home. You need to assume that, if you do this, you and DH will be doing a significant degree of his care, especially the heavy lifting. Literally.

My grandfather had Parkinson's. He ended up bedridden for over 2 years. He had to be physically helped to the bathroom, shower, etc. It required a full-time health aide, since my father couldn't be there all the time. There will be middle of the night accidents to clean up.

Living with someone with dementia or Alzheimer's can be frightening for young children. This would be my biggest concern. My mother tells stories about her grandmother who had Alzheimer's and lived with them when my mom was a teen. Her grandmother would get violent sometimes. She would get confused about where she was and who my mom and her parents were. One time she was trying to leave in the middle of the night. My grandfather was trying to physically restrain her. She didn't recognize my grandfather (her son) and was fighting him, saying "wait until my sons get here!" My mom still has such a vivid memory of this scene, and my grandfather crying.

So, yes, there's a lot to consider. A lot depends on the kinds of symptoms your FIL has. Personally, my biggest hesitation would be the impact to my kids. Is there going to be lots of yelling from a confused man who doesn't recognize them? Would he pose a physical danger to them?

Good luck. This is such a hard situation to be in.

When my DH was little he lived with his great grandmother who had some dementia/hallucinations but was still fairly physically able. She pushed DH down the stairs because she thought he was an intruder and he broke his arm.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I just reread what you wrote. If they come to live with you, you will end being a caretaker. Your father doesn’t need a room, he needs care. That’s important to think of when making your decision.

[Anonymous]

You have 3 kids under 6? You can’t possibly take care of him in your home. Parkinson’s, dementia, and dialysis require 24/7 care and your kids deserve your time and attention. You can’t do it all. Choose a facility near you so you can pop in often. Find an inexpensive apartment for MIL.