Issues to consider when inviting very ill FIL and wife to live in our home

[Anonymous]

My FIL is very ill (currently in the ICU and has been for 2+ weeks) yet he is recovering and is now physically stable. He is not with it mentally. He has Parkinson's, dimentia, and a whole host of other issues. He is on dialysis. He and my step MIL are broke. At this point, the choices are that he returns home with step MIL, who can barely care for him bc his needs are so very great. Or, he can go and live in a sub-par nursing home because they have no money. He is not with it, suffers from hallucinations, delirium, etc. Again, his needs are immense.

In the back of my mind, I feel like we should offer our home to them. I don't want to. We have 3 kids 6 and under, and we both work full-time from home. But - they are poor. And their needs are great. And should he go into a nursing facility, he will just exist and not live. Living with his grandkids could benefit him. I don't want to live with my MIL. They'd have to share a bathroom with my children (how the house is arranged). I worry about pills everywhere and the impact of living with a chronically ill person and my MIL.

But. They are in need. And we have a good house for a disabled person. I am torn between being a good human being and choosing the easy path.

For those of you facing this, how have you made this decision?

[Anonymous]

We did it for 9 months but I was the primary caretaker. You'd need to hire in help and medicaid will not pay. They will only pay for a nursing home. I would not do it with 3 young kids. My MIL personality changed and she was not the same loving woman and it was hard with all the behaviors and needs to have her around our kids. I would pick a nursing home near you and find low cost housing for your step-MIL - there are income based senior housing programs. He needs 24 hour care, just just a little bit of help and your step-MIL will need help.

[Anonymous]

What is the plan for MIL once FIL passes?

I would help them. I'm currently in a similar situation and am having my parents move in. My mother will live by herself if my father passes, though, and then my siblings will help her if needed later. I'm pretty sure I'd make the same decisions even if I knew taking mom in now meant I'd have her forever, but I'm not totally sure.

[Anonymous]

Why exactly would this benefit your FIL?
What would be the impact of their daily presence and needs on you, your children and husband?

You need to consider practicalities, not morals, OP. Because the daily grind wears you down!

[Anonymous]

I mean this kindly, but how can you care for him? He is too ill for home care unless you could afford a nurse around the clock. If he wasn't so ill, I wouldn't see the problem and I do think caring for your parents is admirable.

[Anonymous]

Can you find a social worker to talk to? NOT the one at the hospital, because then you would become a solution to their problem; they would not give you unbiased advice.

Would this be good for children? Would it be harmful?

Where would MIL go once FIL dies (and your home had become her home)?

How does having them in your house make MIL more capable of taking care of FIL — just rent savings? Will DH or you be helping with care?

Etc etc

Main thing: Your children are the first concern; FIL is second priority.

[Anonymous]

What’s your plan for caring for them?

They need much more than a place to live. If you and your spouse work full time who’s going to take care of FIL? How are you going to pay for it? (If you thought daycare was expensive, wait until you the cost of elder care!)

You need a plan for care before you invite them to live with you. (Also, keep in mind that your MIL could also need similar care to FIL.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the plan for MIL once FIL passes?

I would help them. I'm currently in a similar situation and am having my parents move in. My mother will live by herself if my father passes, though, and then my siblings will help her if needed later. I'm pretty sure I'd make the same decisions even if I knew taking mom in now meant I'd have her forever, but I'm not totally sure.

Step MIL is only 55 and able-bodied. She can't work however because FIL's needs are so great. So, we would have to assume (state clearly) that she would move out upon his passing. He may live for 10 years - we don't know! He is physically well enough, despite his many, many issues, to live for a while. His brain, however, isn't working well.

She would have to care for him. We are not volunteering to care for him. Our house is a place to live. But, I know the lines would get blurry, and that's part of what concerns me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The questions you all are posing are great. Thank you! keep them coming. I have no idea all of the issues to think about, and my husband, who has not yet brought this up as an idea, will definitely not have thought of them.

[Anonymous]

I think he needs to move into a care facility. You are not equipped to deal with Parkinson's, Dementia, renal failure, etc. while taking care of 3 young children and working at home. I think you need to put your own kids first.

On a more practical note, if they move in with you how long do you think he will last? Also, when it's over, what happens to MIL? If she doesn't have anywhere to go you will have a hard time getting her to move somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

It's very kind of you to consider this. However, think hard about whether you will be able to provide the kind of care your FIL needs. You have three very young kids and full time jobs... it's a full time 24/7 job caring for someone that ill, particularly someone with dementia. Who will be responsible for him overnight? Who will wash him and attend to his bathroom needs/hygiene? Are you and your husband truly prepared to do all that on top of everything else you already do? As PP said, Medicaid will not pay for you to have the kind of help you will need, so you will need to either do it yourself or hire someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the plan for MIL once FIL passes?

I would help them. I'm currently in a similar situation and am having my parents move in. My mother will live by herself if my father passes, though, and then my siblings will help her if needed later. I'm pretty sure I'd make the same decisions even if I knew taking mom in now meant I'd have her forever, but I'm not totally sure.

Step MIL is only 55 and able-bodied. She can't work however because FIL's needs are so great. So, we would have to assume (state clearly) that she would move out upon his passing. He may live for 10 years - we don't know! He is physically well enough, despite his many, many issues, to live for a while. His brain, however, isn't working well.

She would have to care for him. We are not volunteering to care for him. Our house is a place to live. But, I know the lines would get blurry, and that's part of what concerns me.

Then, no, do NOT do this. You do not understand his needs and what it takes and she WILL need help. He cannot be left alone and its a care level far greater than even a young child. They need help far more than a place to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very kind of you to consider this. However, think hard about whether you will be able to provide the kind of care your FIL needs. You have three very young kids and full time jobs... it's a full time 24/7 job caring for someone that ill, particularly someone with dementia. Who will be responsible for him overnight? Who will wash him and attend to his bathroom needs/hygiene? Are you and your husband truly prepared to do all that on top of everything else you already do? As PP said, Medicaid will not pay for you to have the kind of help you will need, so you will need to either do it yourself or hire someone.

After someone is in a nursing home for a specific amount of time medicaid will allow them to return home with support but the support was only about an hour a few days a week. There was no way we could make that work with dementia. But, they have to be in nursing care to access the program. If you get them into a nursing home, DO NOT pull them out if they are a medicaid bed as its near impossible to get one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he needs to move into a care facility. You are not equipped to deal with Parkinson's, Dementia, renal failure, etc. while taking care of 3 young children and working at home. I think you need to put your own kids first.

On a more practical note, if they move in with you how long do you think he will last? Also, when it's over, what happens to MIL? If she doesn't have anywhere to go you will have a hard time getting her to move somewhere else.

No, they need to put FIL needs first and they are not willing to help so this is a terrible plan.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. Sharing a BEDROOM with your children? Withbyour FIL having hallucinations and all sorts of other issues, no way. It is not safe for your kids. If it was a hospice situation where he only had a few days/weeks, you could have the kids bunk in with you for a short time. But you both work full time andnit sounds like you have a very small house.

My father has Parkinson’s and I could never care for him while also caring for my young children. It wouldn’t be fair to him. Your father needs a nursing home, preferably near you, where you (and occasionally the kids) can visit him. Does your step mother in law have kids of her own who could help pay for an apartment? Your FIL needs round the clock care, but if he is in a nursing home, your SMIL could get a part time job.