Issues to consider when inviting very ill FIL and wife to live in our home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have Medicaid? If so ask for a UAI to be done by the social worker at the hospital. Even if he doesn’t go to the nursing home he can qualify for an attendant at the house. That being said it won’t be 24 hour care, more like 6 or 8 hours per day.

Personally I don’t think I could do it. If you did the nursing home you could commit to visiting multiple times per week. Usually the people who get the best care are people with involved families.

He'd go into a nursing home under medicare for 90 days or what ever the limit is and then while he is there, they'd apply for medicaid. Its far easier to get people into nursing homes directly from the hospital and already there than from home. This is true people do get better care when others are watching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the plan for MIL once FIL passes?

I would help them. I'm currently in a similar situation and am having my parents move in. My mother will live by herself if my father passes, though, and then my siblings will help her if needed later. I'm pretty sure I'd make the same decisions even if I knew taking mom in now meant I'd have her forever, but I'm not totally sure.

Step MIL is only 55 and able-bodied. She can't work however because FIL's needs are so great. So, we would have to assume (state clearly) that she would move out upon his passing. He may live for 10 years - we don't know! He is physically well enough, despite his many, many issues, to live for a while. His brain, however, isn't working well.

She would have to care for him. We are not volunteering to care for him. Our house is a place to live. But, I know the lines would get blurry, and that's part of what concerns me.

This is not realistic...

I bet MIL is already exhausted from caring for him alone. What happens in 5 years when he needs diapers... and help bathing... and also wanders around the house at night potentially getting hurt or turning on the stove and forgetting? Who’s going to drive FIL to appointments?

What’s the plan if MIL gets sick? I’m not even talking a major medical issue - what if she has the flu? Is she still going to be the only one changing diapers, bathing and babysitting FIL? What if MIL breaks a leg or arm? That’s at least 2 months where all his caretaking falls on you. What if she has to go out of town for a wedding/funeral/whatever? What if she has to go to a doctors appointment?

There’s about zero chance that you and DH don’t end up being directly involved in his care. You need to come to terms with this before you invite them to live with you.

It is if the three adults all pitched in. I did it mostly alone. It was miserable but doable. The real issue was not having an aide and at some point not being able to leave the house due to safety issues which was an issue for my child/preschool, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL is very ill (currently in the ICU and has been for 2+ weeks) yet he is recovering and is now physically stable. He is not with it mentally. He has Parkinson's, dimentia, and a whole host of other issues. He is on dialysis. He and my step MIL are broke. At this point, the choices are that he returns home with step MIL, who can barely care for him bc his needs are so very great. Or, he can go and live in a sub-par nursing home because they have no money. He is not with it, suffers from hallucinations, delirium, etc. Again, his needs are immense.

In the back of my mind, I feel like we should offer our home to them. I don't want to. We have 3 kids 6 and under, and we both work full-time from home. But - they are poor. And their needs are great. And should he go into a nursing facility, he will just exist and not live. Living with his grandkids could benefit him. I don't want to live with my MIL. They'd have to share a bathroom with my children (how the house is arranged). I worry about pills everywhere and the impact of living with a chronically ill person and my MIL.

But. They are in need. And we have a good house for a disabled person. I am torn between being a good human being and choosing the easy path.

For those of you facing this, how have you made this decision?

Caring for him at home sounds like a horrible idea for you and for your MIL. There's just no way around it. It sounds like he needs to go to a nursing home.

My question regarding the bolded: Is he a candidate for hospice or palliative care? Because it sounds like he's in pretty bad shape, and if he's not mentally there, focusing on palliative care versus treatment and dialysis might be a better option all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL is very ill (currently in the ICU and has been for 2+ weeks) yet he is recovering and is now physically stable. He is not with it mentally. He has Parkinson's, dimentia, and a whole host of other issues. He is on dialysis. He and my step MIL are broke. At this point, the choices are that he returns home with step MIL, who can barely care for him bc his needs are so very great. Or, he can go and live in a sub-par nursing home because they have no money. He is not with it, suffers from hallucinations, delirium, etc. Again, his needs are immense.

In the back of my mind, I feel like we should offer our home to them. I don't want to. We have 3 kids 6 and under, and we both work full-time from home. But - they are poor. And their needs are great. And should he go into a nursing facility, he will just exist and not live. Living with his grandkids could benefit him. I don't want to live with my MIL. They'd have to share a bathroom with my children (how the house is arranged). I worry about pills everywhere and the impact of living with a chronically ill person and my MIL.

But. They are in need. And we have a good house for a disabled person. I am torn between being a good human being and choosing the easy path.

For those of you facing this, how have you made this decision?

Caring for him at home sounds like a horrible idea for you and for your MIL. There's just no way around it. It sounds like he needs to go to a nursing home.

My question regarding the bolded: Is he a candidate for hospice or palliative care? Because it sounds like he's in pretty bad shape, and if he's not mentally there, focusing on palliative care versus treatment and dialysis might be a better option all around.

Thanks for the help. Isn't hospice for the dying? He isn't dying at this point, honestly. He is existing but just with a ton of issues. Would hospice take him without a terminal diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL is very ill (currently in the ICU and has been for 2+ weeks) yet he is recovering and is now physically stable. He is not with it mentally. He has Parkinson's, dimentia, and a whole host of other issues. He is on dialysis. He and my step MIL are broke. At this point, the choices are that he returns home with step MIL, who can barely care for him bc his needs are so very great. Or, he can go and live in a sub-par nursing home because they have no money. He is not with it, suffers from hallucinations, delirium, etc. Again, his needs are immense.

In the back of my mind, I feel like we should offer our home to them. I don't want to. We have 3 kids 6 and under, and we both work full-time from home. But - they are poor. And their needs are great. And should he go into a nursing facility, he will just exist and not live. Living with his grandkids could benefit him. I don't want to live with my MIL. They'd have to share a bathroom with my children (how the house is arranged). I worry about pills everywhere and the impact of living with a chronically ill person and my MIL.

But. They are in need. And we have a good house for a disabled person. I am torn between being a good human being and choosing the easy path.

For those of you facing this, how have you made this decision?

OP, I don't think you understand what it is like to live with someone with dementia. They can be unpredictable and violent. They can set fires unintentionally. They can wander away, or just leave the doors open. When my father had dementia I wouldn't even take my kids to visit because I was so concerned about his behavior. They were 12 and 9. You could actually be putting your younger kids in danger. And I am not sure how your home is set up, but I doubt very seriously that it is really that appropriate for someone with the health needs you describe. I understand your concern about sub par care facilities, but your house would be, too. Just because you love him and would not intentionally harm him does not mean he would be safe with you.

What if he goes to a care facility near you. You help you MIL save money by allowing her to live with you. She won't have to work, or at least not as much, and she can "visit" and check on him regularly. I think you will still find that you have taken on a huge responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL is very ill (currently in the ICU and has been for 2+ weeks) yet he is recovering and is now physically stable. He is not with it mentally. He has Parkinson's, dimentia, and a whole host of other issues. He is on dialysis. He and my step MIL are broke. At this point, the choices are that he returns home with step MIL, who can barely care for him bc his needs are so very great. Or, he can go and live in a sub-par nursing home because they have no money. He is not with it, suffers from hallucinations, delirium, etc. Again, his needs are immense.

In the back of my mind, I feel like we should offer our home to them. I don't want to. We have 3 kids 6 and under, and we both work full-time from home. But - they are poor. And their needs are great. And should he go into a nursing facility, he will just exist and not live. Living with his grandkids could benefit him. I don't want to live with my MIL. They'd have to share a bathroom with my children (how the house is arranged). I worry about pills everywhere and the impact of living with a chronically ill person and my MIL.

But. They are in need. And we have a good house for a disabled person. I am torn between being a good human being and choosing the easy path.

For those of you facing this, how have you made this decision?

Caring for him at home sounds like a horrible idea for you and for your MIL. There's just no way around it. It sounds like he needs to go to a nursing home.

My question regarding the bolded: Is he a candidate for hospice or palliative care? Because it sounds like he's in pretty bad shape, and if he's not mentally there, focusing on palliative care versus treatment and dialysis might be a better option all around.

Thanks for the help. Isn't hospice for the dying? He isn't dying at this point, honestly. He is existing but just with a ton of issues. Would hospice take him without a terminal diagnosis?

Hospice care is usually predicated on the idea of life expectancy of six months or less, though it can be extended if the person lives longer than six months.

Hospice wouldn't cover all the necessary care-gving, but would provide regular visits and an approach focused on comfort and quality of life.

One question worth asking: Is regular dialysis worth it for someone with dementia? Is it prolonging enjoyment of life or prolonging suffering? Maybe it's not worth it anymore, even if it shortens life. Those are the kinds of questions to be asking your FIL's doctors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL is very ill (currently in the ICU and has been for 2+ weeks) yet he is recovering and is now physically stable. He is not with it mentally. He has Parkinson's, dimentia, and a whole host of other issues. He is on dialysis. He and my step MIL are broke. At this point, the choices are that he returns home with step MIL, who can barely care for him bc his needs are so very great. Or, he can go and live in a sub-par nursing home because they have no money. He is not with it, suffers from hallucinations, delirium, etc. Again, his needs are immense.

In the back of my mind, I feel like we should offer our home to them. I don't want to. We have 3 kids 6 and under, and we both work full-time from home. But - they are poor. And their needs are great. And should he go into a nursing facility, he will just exist and not live. Living with his grandkids could benefit him. I don't want to live with my MIL. They'd have to share a bathroom with my children (how the house is arranged). I worry about pills everywhere and the impact of living with a chronically ill person and my MIL.

But. They are in need. And we have a good house for a disabled person. I am torn between being a good human being and choosing the easy path.

For those of you facing this, how have you made this decision?

OP, I don't think you understand what it is like to live with someone with dementia. They can be unpredictable and violent. They can set fires unintentionally. They can wander away, or just leave the doors open. When my father had dementia I wouldn't even take my kids to visit because I was so concerned about his behavior. They were 12 and 9. You could actually be putting your younger kids in danger. And I am not sure how your home is set up, but I doubt very seriously that it is really that appropriate for someone with the health needs you describe. I understand your concern about sub par care facilities, but your house would be, too. Just because you love him and would not intentionally harm him does not mean he would be safe with you.

What if he goes to a care facility near you. You help you MIL save money by allowing her to live with you. She won't have to work, or at least not as much, and she can "visit" and check on him regularly. I think you will still find that you have taken on a huge responsibility.

It's OP's step-MIL and OP said she does not want to live with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the plan for MIL once FIL passes?

I would help them. I'm currently in a similar situation and am having my parents move in. My mother will live by herself if my father passes, though, and then my siblings will help her if needed later. I'm pretty sure I'd make the same decisions even if I knew taking mom in now meant I'd have her forever, but I'm not totally sure.

Step MIL is only 55 and able-bodied. She can't work however because FIL's needs are so great. So, we would have to assume (state clearly) that she would move out upon his passing. He may live for 10 years - we don't know! He is physically well enough, despite his many, many issues, to live for a while. His brain, however, isn't working well.

She would have to care for him. We are not volunteering to care for him. Our house is a place to live. But, I know the lines would get blurry, and that's part of what concerns me.

This is not realistic...

I bet MIL is already exhausted from caring for him alone. What happens in 5 years when he needs diapers... and help bathing... and also wanders around the house at night potentially getting hurt or turning on the stove and forgetting? Who’s going to drive FIL to appointments?

What’s the plan if MIL gets sick? I’m not even talking a major medical issue - what if she has the flu? Is she still going to be the only one changing diapers, bathing and babysitting FIL? What if MIL breaks a leg or arm? That’s at least 2 months where all his caretaking falls on you. What if she has to go out of town for a wedding/funeral/whatever? What if she has to go to a doctors appointment?

There’s about zero chance that you and DH don’t end up being directly involved in his care. You need to come to terms with this before you invite them to live with you.

I agree with this. I understand your instinct, op. My parents had elderly relations live with us when I was a kid. One of my life's regrets is that we didn't get to have my dad live with us - he died unexpectedly before we had reached that point with him. I get why you might want to do this. But I don't think it makes sense given the circumstances. As a pp said above, he needs care, not a room. It would be different if he were just generally infirm and needed a small bit of help. He needs more than you can provide, and it's not realistic to think that MIL will care for him 24/7 while living in your home. It's just not.

[Anonymous]

OP, let him go to a nursing home. He will get better care in a nursing home than you can provide. Spend your time, energy, and money ensuring that the nursing home is providing approrpriate care. You're describing a very sick individual who is going to require 24 hour attention. You work FT and have 3 kids under 6. It is NOT being a good person to accept care of someone that you don't actually have the resources to care for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the plan for MIL once FIL passes?

I would help them. I'm currently in a similar situation and am having my parents move in. My mother will live by herself if my father passes, though, and then my siblings will help her if needed later. I'm pretty sure I'd make the same decisions even if I knew taking mom in now meant I'd have her forever, but I'm not totally sure.

Step MIL is only 55 and able-bodied. She can't work however because FIL's needs are so great. So, we would have to assume (state clearly) that she would move out upon his passing. He may live for 10 years - we don't know! He is physically well enough, despite his many, many issues, to live for a while. His brain, however, isn't working well.

She would have to care for him. We are not volunteering to care for him. Our house is a place to live. But, I know the lines would get blurry, and that's part of what concerns me.

If she can barely care for him now, it's only going to get harder as she ages. Being a caregiver will wear on her body and health as your FIL deteriorates. Your children will hear and see everything, too - I was in a somewhat similar situation with a live-in deteriorating grandparent. If you're not willing to help care for him, and can only offer a place to stay, he needs to go to a nursing home and SMIL needs to go find a job and apply for benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, let him go to a nursing home. He will get better care in a nursing home than you can provide. Spend your time, energy, and money ensuring that the nursing home is providing approrpriate care. You're describing a very sick individual who is going to require 24 hour attention. You work FT and have 3 kids under 6. It is NOT being a good person to accept care of someone that you don't actually have the resources to care for.

Agree with this. Put that instinct to help into finding a home near you so you can visit frequently, in a location that works for SMIL as well.

[Anonymous]

Your first responsibility is to ensure the safety of your children. Unless and until you have a way of ensuring that, I would never, ever have FIL and SMIL live in your house.

[Anonymous]

If he has dementia and hallucinations, he needs to be in a monitored facility. My grandma had a stroke when I was just about 3. Pretty much lost her short term memory. My parents had purchased their home with a first floor bedroom and full bath in anticipation that one day one or the other of my grandmothers would live with us, but they did not anticipate what a person with severe memory issues would mean. They tried, but they worked full time so my grandmother was mostly home alone during work hours. She left the stove one. Left boiling tea kettles until the water was gone. Left the house, tried to take the bus to her own home multiple times. She was a danger to herself and others. My parents couldn’t afford round the clock in home care. My mom had to find a nursing home to take her. Where she also escaped and tried to go to her old house - she got lost in the city many times, had to be escorted back by the police and that was with being in full time care.

It’s kind of you to think this is something you should do, but be very aware that the needs of a person in his condition are great and not easily managed in a home situation without hired help.

[Anonymous]

No good deed goes unpunished. Please, please, do not do this.

[Anonymous]

From experience you need to consider:

The physical well being of you and your husband. My back and shoulder are permanently damaged from physically assiting.

The mental well being of all in the house. My tween daughter and I both have mental health issues after.

Possible sleep depravation of all in house. Nights were the worst. Husband almost drove off the road a few times from complete exhaustion.

The impact on your ability to parent and have quality time.

Impact on neighbors, when you are 'chasing' your half dressed screaming parent down the street.

Making changes to your home to help keep them safe in their condition.