Another variation of "another kid?" but this is more about the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men struggle with the baby/toddler stage then come around and are good/active dads when the kids are older.

It shouldn't be that way but it often is.

Perhaps that will happen to you.

OP here. I hope I am not presenting my DH as someone who isn't actively involved, because he really is. He is so wonderful with our son - kills me to say it, but he's the preferred parent a lot of the time. He is just much more exhausted by parenting than I am.

Can you break that down a little? For instance, does he struggle with sleep deprivation, or is he just generally more overwhelmed when life gets complicated? If you can tease out if this is a baby/toddler phase thing or more a personality thing, that would likely help. It's worth talking about with him.

For me, who does not do well with sleep deprivation *and* felt overwhelmed by parenting, it helped a lot to space our kids out. Ours are almost four years apart. At 37, you don't realistically have that luxury, but it's worth discussing as well. "If having another kid means we have to do so soon, is it worth the trade-off to have another child at all?"

If he thinks that this is a baby phase thing for him, there's a decent argument for going for it while you can--but if it's more a personality thing, well, maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men struggle with the baby/toddler stage then come around and are good/active dads when the kids are older.

It shouldn't be that way but it often is.

Perhaps that will happen to you.

OP here. I hope I am not presenting my DH as someone who isn't actively involved, because he really is. He is so wonderful with our son - kills me to say it, but he's the preferred parent a lot of the time. He is just much more exhausted by parenting than I am.

Can you break that down a little? For instance, does he struggle with sleep deprivation, or is he just generally more overwhelmed when life gets complicated? If you can tease out if this is a baby/toddler phase thing or more a personality thing, that would likely help. It's worth talking about with him.

For me, who does not do well with sleep deprivation *and* felt overwhelmed by parenting, it helped a lot to space our kids out. Ours are almost four years apart. At 37, you don't realistically have that luxury, but it's worth discussing as well. "If having another kid means we have to do so soon, is it worth the trade-off to have another child at all?"

If he thinks that this is a baby phase thing for him, there's a decent argument for going for it while you can--but if it's more a personality thing, well, maybe not.

Really good points and things to think about - thanks!

[Anonymous]

OP here - Upon thinking about it, I think part of this is that he is mourning the loss of his pre-child life and I am not. (I did early on, for sure, and there are days that I miss certain things but overall, that ship has sailed for me.) I think he still is somehow surprised when we have to wake up on weekends because we have a baby. He doesn't complain and he knows the drill, but he just is taking much longer to adjust. He's always been one to romanticize things though, and I think he's romanticizing our life before kids - we really weren't that cool

[Anonymous]

OP, until you said that your husband is often the preferred parent I was thinking your situation was more similar to mine, which was that I had been the primary caregiver for my oldest and my husband said, "If you want another one" when I wanted a second baby. So, he wasn't gung ho, but was not opposed. I think now he would tell you how much he loves them both.

BUT - I went into that 2nd pregnancy knowing I would still be the primary caregiver and I was. My husband is now good about carting the kids (12 and 8) to activities and hanging out with them, but he's not going to set up a board game and play with them.

Flip side - my brother has two kids - also almost 4 years apart, and while I know he loves the 2nd one, he and his wife had the same conversation you are having. My brother is an extremely attentive parent - almost to a fault - and he was tired. Add in no. 2, who did not sleep, like at all, and all that went with it and the marriage is strained. It's strained for other reasons than just that, but part of it is definitely my SIL really pushing for a 2nd kid that he just wasn't totally on board with.

Again, I don't think he regrets the 2nd child in the least (it doesn't usually work that way) but it's worth evaluating where you are as a couple before moving forward.

I have a work friend that has one daughter- and their family life seems really nice. The three of them pick up and go off to NYC for a day. He's very attuned to what's going on with his daughter. I'm not saying you can't have that with two, but with their one they seem a really close-knit bunch.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

We have two boys, a 3.5 yr old and a one year old. Our three year old is pretty independent and not nearly as demanding as our one year old, as young toddlers require constant attention and intervention, as you well know. With that said, the window of utter exhaustion is relatively short. By having two children close together, you really would only be extending to the life of the years spent in the weeds with a demanding baby/young toddler. However, you wouldn’t be giving up any additional parts of your (or I should say your husband’s) life as you’ve already given them up for this period of your life when you became parents to your first child.

[Anonymous]

You're only at a year with your child. The first year is hard, not a ton of fun and most often, the dad isn't as involved in the day-to-day. Give it 6 months and see where you're both at. Maybe 12, see if anything has changed. As kids get older and more interactive/more fun (in my opinion), your husband's attitude may change.

Then again....it may change again when your child turns 3!

[Anonymous]

Before we were married I wanted four and DH wanted two kids. Then we had fertility problems and DH was happy with one. I wasn't. We had a lot of discussions, and I finally said that I was not happy with only one and that we had to try for two. And he said we could try for 2 years, and that was it - and I agreed after 2 years we would stop trying. (We did conceive w/in that window.) So, my advice is a bit different - I would say both of you need to understand that a lack of a decision *is* a decision here. If you don't decide relatively quickly, fertility rate does go down, and either the question will be answered for you or one will resent either stopping at one or the difficulty of fertility treatments.

[Anonymous]

You don't have much time and he'll come around. Preg up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have much time and he'll come around. Preg up

OP here, and "preg up" made me laugh out loud.

[Anonymous]

#2 is harder on the husband than the wife. With one kid, the wife can absorb a huge chunk of the duties, minimizing the impact to the husband. With baby #2, husband has to take on the lion’s share of kid #1 at least for a few months, and even after there is a lot more 1:1 parenting happening. My 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

In my case, I was the one who was happy with just having one child while DH really wanted a second. Our first DD was a really challenging baby and toddler, but has become the most amazing little girl (she is now 6). We didn't even start contemplating #2 until she was 3 years old.

Personally, I just didn't want to go back to the baby stage again if there was any chance it could be as difficult as it was the first time around. But DH felt like it was worth the risk to add another child to our family for many reasons. We probably discussed it for a year plus, and in the end DH's desire to have a 2nd was much stronger than my desire not to. I wasn't completely against it, I was more ambivalent, and I really do see plusses to having another in the long term, which is what swayed my decision eventually to go for it. I also did think about the fact that DH would probably resent me much more for not having a 2nd than I would resent him for having a second, if that makes sense.

I think an important distinction here is that I wasn't against it - I was fully on board, it just would not have been me pushing to make this happen as I was content with one. But if one parent is at all against it I would never recommend going forward. It will just not end well because it's going to be hard and we both need to accept that up front.

I am now 37 weeks pregnant with #2 so don't know how it will all turn out - but I am happy overall that we are having another. It will be a huge adjustment but again, long term I love the idea of having two children and think my 6yo will be an amazing big sister, and am truly happy I can give her this gift as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case, I was the one who was happy with just having one child while DH really wanted a second. Our first DD was a really challenging baby and toddler, but has become the most amazing little girl (she is now 6). We didn't even start contemplating #2 until she was 3 years old.

Personally, I just didn't want to go back to the baby stage again if there was any chance it could be as difficult as it was the first time around. But DH felt like it was worth the risk to add another child to our family for many reasons. We probably discussed it for a year plus, and in the end DH's desire to have a 2nd was much stronger than my desire not to. I wasn't completely against it, I was more ambivalent, and I really do see plusses to having another in the long term, which is what swayed my decision eventually to go for it. I also did think about the fact that DH would probably resent me much more for not having a 2nd than I would resent him for having a second, if that makes sense.

I think an important distinction here is that I wasn't against it - I was fully on board, it just would not have been me pushing to make this happen as I was content with one. But if one parent is at all against it I would never recommend going forward. It will just not end well because it's going to be hard and we both need to accept that up front.

I am now 37 weeks pregnant with #2 so don't know how it will all turn out - but I am happy overall that we are having another. It will be a huge adjustment but again, long term I love the idea of having two children and think my 6yo will be an amazing big sister, and am truly happy I can give her this gift as well.

This was also us, we have 5 years between our two. Though I’m not so sold on the whole siblings are great concept, but that’s my own baggage and I hope for better for my kids. I also particularly identify with the bolded.

[Anonymous]

OP, tell DH that you shouldn’t decide not to have another kid just based on the first year. If kids stayed babies forever, no one would have another!

The first year is a huge lifestyle adjustment. Now that my oldest is 4, we can fit him in with our lifestyle. No worries about a meltdown if we want to go out to eat, we can go to the movies (kid movies, but still he can sit through a full movie), etc. He can even entertain himself with toys while we lounge in bed on the weekend.

Of course we have an 18 month old (who luckily sleeps in), so we haven’t 100% gotten our freedom back. But I can already tell things are in line to get much easier. In fact my DH who was “so done” with 2 is now open to the idea of a third.

Ask him to envision life 5-10-20 years from now. Not to make the decision just off the past 12 months, which are notoriously rough.

[Anonymous]

^ Also, I think dads romanticize the fun stuff about having a kid — teaching them to throw a baseball, taking them camping, etc. That stuff doesn’t happen until they’re older. You guys just have to survive the baby/toddler stage first.

[Anonymous]

This was my parents. My dad was a super involved parent, just as involved as my mom, if not more. He found the whole thing exhausting though and refused to have another. My mom wanted a bunch of kids. They stopped with me. My dad has no regrets and my mom still talks about how she wanted more kids.

I have 3 because while I enjoyed having all of my parents’ attention as a kid, I wish I had siblings as an adult. You can’t please everyone! We all make the best choices we can in the moment.