Another variation of "another kid?" but this is more about the spouse.
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Anonymous
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DH and I have a one year old and are starting to think about having another. We're 37 so would need to do it soon. I want another child. DH is not there yet. And I told him, if he never gets there, we won't have another. I do not want to have another child if he doesn't WANT to have another. I know that having two will be much harder than having just one. The thing is, he thinks having one is really hard, and I just ... don't. I think I have just adjusted to parenthood much easier than he has. And I also think I knew, going into it, that it would be really hard, and he was somehow surprised by it. He loves our son so much, but looks at parenting through the lens of "this is hard, and I have given up x, y, and z." I don't believe he is resentful, but that's just how he thinks about things in life.
I'm not really sure what my question is, but I guess I'm wondering if any of you had a similar dynamic, and how that has worked out? Any lessons learned? |
Anonymous
| Your subject makes absolutely no sense / doesn't connect to your paragraph at all |
Anonymous
| This is not really another variation. It's just an explanation of why one parent may not be as ready for another as the other parent. Whether one parent thinks it's harder than the other parent thinks it is, whether that parent thinks the finances don't work, whatever it is, the fact is they are looking at it differently than their spouse is, just like you and your DH. Good luck on coming to an agreement. |
Anonymous
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A lot of men struggle with the baby/toddler stage then come around and are good/active dads when the kids are older.
It shouldn't be that way but it often is. Perhaps that will happen to you. |
Anonymous
| your husband sounds immature. |
Anonymous
OP here. I hope I am not presenting my DH as someone who isn't actively involved, because he really is. He is so wonderful with our son - kills me to say it, but he's the preferred parent a lot of the time. He is just much more exhausted by parenting than I am. |
Anonymous
Maybe in this regard, but not in most ways. Everyone has their flaws though. |
Anonymous
| Hi OP. We have an only for this reason. Our dynamic is a bit different but basically, DH doesn't want to give up his fun stuff. |
Anonymous
People are different. They have different capacities for the always-on thing that is parenthood for the early years, and even for the demands of later years. That’s okay. |
Anonymous
Yes, that's true. |
Anonymous
And how has that been for you? Do you resent him for it? |
Anonymous
| We had a similar dynamic, with the twist that my husband initially thought he would want more kids than I did, and was surprised by how much harder it was than he thought. He was one of those people who talked a lot before kids about how you shouldn't let them control your life, dictate your activities, you could and should still have your adult life, etc. And then having a kid turned out to be more exhausting than he thought, and kids demand more of you than he expected, etc. And he didn't want another. The result is that we have only one child. Sometimes I feel some wistfulness or even sadness about that, but it is what it is, and I'd rather just accept it and move on than resent him for it. I do sometimes think it's because I went in thinking that kids would be really hard and tiring and demanding, and he was convinced that it wouldn't be like that, and so he was thrown for a loop in a way that I wasn't. |
Anonymous
I don't know, I gave birth when I was 40. I love my son but there are days that I fondly remember sleeping in to whenever I want, going out to whatever restaurant that we want, and some of the other things that we did before having a child. I wouldn't give my child up for anything and I am thrilled to watch him grow as a person but I don't think it is abnormal to miss the freedom that existed before we had a child. I suspect that this is harder for people who have kids at an older age because you have more time to establish your adult lives and hobbies and the like. I think a person is immature if they use that as an excuse to not be present for their childs life or to foist all parenting responsibility on the other parents because they refuse to give up their pre-kid life. I actually think it is mature to say "This is how I feel. THis bothers me." shrug your shoulder and push on to be the best parent you can be. OP said that her husband is a good father but struggling with some of what that means. OP, it could also be that your husband is not great with the baby years. They are exhausting. There are many wonderful moments but plenty of every day normal moments that are not as much fun, the late night feedings, diaper changes, illness, 24/7 demand for attention/help/love. He might change his mind as your child gets a bit older and really starts to grow. |
Anonymous
| I had 2 children 17 months apart. I had some hard years while they were young, but ALWAYS wanted more than one so they would have each other. That's what I would fight or. Do you or your spouse have siblings? |
Anonymous
We both have siblings, and I think he wants that for our son in theory but is having a hard time wanting it in reality now that he knows what this looks like. When I was pregnant, I was quietly terrified and he was openly excited because I just think I had a better idea of what was coming  He really is such a great dad but I think being exhausted has made him give up some hobbies (music and exercise) that mean a lot to him, whereas I've been better about taking necessary time for myself. That's one thing I could do to support him; ensure he gets the time he needs to do the things he loves.
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