What do you want your kid’s NT classmates told?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want her to be kind and inclusive, but I don't want to speculate inappropriately about Larlo's needs and I definitely don't want to give her the idea that there's something "weird" about Larlo even if she's noticed ways in which Larlo's behavior and circumstances are different from hers. I figured you all would be the right ones to ask!

OP I would focus it back on the loud noise that upset Larlo. Every kindergartener can think of a noise that was upsetting to them or someone else, be it loud noises at an event they went to, or their little sister's fear of the flushing sound in a public toilet. I agree that speculation or "connecting the dots" isn't the way to go here. Your DD is old enough to notice that some things bother some people more than they bother others.

In my experience kids that age learn quickly. Based on what I've seen, each time Larlo runs screaming from the class due to a noise, they'll be less and less fazed. However without help from teachers and parents, this does *not* translate into knowing how to include Larlo at recess, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so hesitant to say that he has a disability? It’s not shameful. Please use the word and talk to her about all kinds of disabilities. Parents who avoid this are really annoying — like parents who pretend we are all the same race.

Because you don't want her child going and saying in class that the other kid have a disability!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so hesitant to say that he has a disability? It’s not shameful. Please use the word and talk to her about all kinds of disabilities. Parents who avoid this are really annoying — like parents who pretend we are all the same race.

Because you don't want her child going and saying in class that the other kid have a disability!

Not saying there is wrong with having a disability. But she doesn't really know what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so hesitant to say that he has a disability? It’s not shameful. Please use the word and talk to her about all kinds of disabilities. Parents who avoid this are really annoying — like parents who pretend we are all the same race.

Because you don't want her child going and saying in class that the other kid have a disability!

Not saying there is wrong with having a disability. But she doesn't really know what is going on.

At that age, kids can outgrow things, my child did. And saying disability is a very strong term for a young child and sadly there is a stigma. In 2nd grade, my child started mentioning other kids needs but that is because we worked a lot with him on his needs but we never used terms like ASD, ADHD, or disability. (however he reads a lot and learned about those things through that).

Just tell her to be kind and patient and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I appreciate you asking the question.

I have a dyslexic child and an autistic child and the term disability can be really loaded within both of those diagnoses/ communities. So the language about everyone’s brain works differently is generally acceptable. We also talk about how everyone needs different things to be successful- that fair isn’t equal. So one child may be allowed to chew gum or listen to music because they need that.

We talk about this so much because even children who themselves have special needs need to be taught to be sensitive to differences in others.

In your situation I agree with your approach asking her how she would feel. I would likely go further by asking her how she could be a friend to Larlo- perhaps by being an upstander and reminding her classmates it isn’t funny.

I would avoid any specific language around diagnoses or disabilities because you don’t know how Larlo’s family speaks of his needs. I think it is best to stick to the language around brain differences and need differences and how we should all be kind to each other. It sounds like you are part of a faith community, so you can also leverage the”we are all God’s children” messages from your faith tradition.

And do please invite this child to any all class parties. You can reach out to the mom to offer to let her stay and support or just make it known he is welcome.

My child was excluded from a class Valentine’s party this week because of his disability- so inclusion is a sensitive topic for many of us.

We are probably at the same school. I could see our school doing this to a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so hesitant to say that he has a disability? It’s not shameful. Please use the word and talk to her about all kinds of disabilities. Parents who avoid this are really annoying — like parents who pretend we are all the same race.

OP here: because from what she's told me, I'd put money on Larlo being autistic and a lot of the autistic adults I know don't like being called disabled. We talk a fair bit about disabilities without using the word -- her dad used a variety of mobility aids for a while, so we are used to that and talk about how everyone's body is different and different people use different tools to do things.

Anyway, thank you for the input, everyone. I want her to be kind and inclusive, but I don't want to speculate inappropriately about Larlo's needs and I definitely don't want to give her the idea that there's something "weird" about Larlo even if she's noticed ways in which Larlo's behavior and circumstances are different from hers. I figured you all would be the right ones to ask!

Thank you for being sensitive, OP. Definitely do not use the word disabled. I have a child in late elementary and no one uses this word even for the children with obvious physical disabilities. Our child's grade has numerous kids with different types of special needs but it is wholly accepting of everyone's differences. FWIW, the kids that cause the biggest disruptions like running away or having a meltdown are "NT" with no diagnoses or no 504 plans or IEPs. I know several of these parents and I know they would be offended if you knew you spoke to your child about their child being disabled. I don't think there should be a stigma around that word or with having a diagnosis but there is.

[Anonymous]

I would also not use the word disability because I often have to explain to my son why some kids at school, who do not have a disability, are rude, don't follow rules, and make fun of him on the playground. We talk about strengths and weaknesses. He is really good at following rules and being kind. Reading is hard for him. Larlo is really good at reading but doesn't always remember to use polite words or follow the teacher's directions. They are 9, so I think this is more appropriate than calling Larlo a jerk.

[Anonymous]

As a person with Tourettes Syndrome, I was very pro-disclosure. I was lucky enough to grow up in a supportive community and I found that even now giving the facts helps take the air out of anyone's snottiness, particularly if my tics are disrupting a situation. I would echo those who have suggested reaching out to the teacher/parents if possible to figure out what language they've been using with their child. I also think that thinking about strengths and weakness is helpful (though I'm not afraid of the word disability) as it helps NT kids as well as non NT kids to put themselves in context and think about how they can best learn and grow.

[Anonymous]

The second question/response here deals with a similar situation and the teacher offers some thoughtful advice that might be of interest:

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/02/request-different-teacher-advice.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a person with Tourettes Syndrome, I was very pro-disclosure. I was lucky enough to grow up in a supportive community and I found that even now giving the facts helps take the air out of anyone's snottiness, particularly if my tics are disrupting a situation. I would echo those who have suggested reaching out to the teacher/parents if possible to figure out what language they've been using with their child. I also think that thinking about strengths and weakness is helpful (though I'm not afraid of the word disability) as it helps NT kids as well as non NT kids to put themselves in context and think about how they can best learn and grow.

For the child or parent to disclose, yes, but not for a parent of another child who is only the child's classmate, and not even good friend. You should not disclose another child's diagnosis to your child without permission and kids at that age are not able to give real consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a person with Tourettes Syndrome, I was very pro-disclosure. I was lucky enough to grow up in a supportive community and I found that even now giving the facts helps take the air out of anyone's snottiness, particularly if my tics are disrupting a situation. I would echo those who have suggested reaching out to the teacher/parents if possible to figure out what language they've been using with their child. I also think that thinking about strengths and weakness is helpful (though I'm not afraid of the word disability) as it helps NT kids as well as non NT kids to put themselves in context and think about how they can best learn and grow.

As the parent of a child with an "invisible" special need I would be put out by someone "reaching out" in in faux empathy. Seriously would you really ask a parent that? What kind of "language" do you use to describe your child's challenges? You seem to be lacking basic social skills.

[Anonymous]

As a different parent of kids with invisible special needs, I wouldn’t take it as faux empathy. I would assume the best intentions about a difficult topic and I would explain a bit about my child’s strengths and struggles and hope that you could help your child understand and be kind to mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a person with Tourettes Syndrome, I was very pro-disclosure. I was lucky enough to grow up in a supportive community and I found that even now giving the facts helps take the air out of anyone's snottiness, particularly if my tics are disrupting a situation. I would echo those who have suggested reaching out to the teacher/parents if possible to figure out what language they've been using with their child. I also think that thinking about strengths and weakness is helpful (though I'm not afraid of the word disability) as it helps NT kids as well as non NT kids to put themselves in context and think about how they can best learn and grow.

As the parent of a child with an "invisible" special need I would be put out by someone "reaching out" in in faux empathy. Seriously would you really ask a parent that? What kind of "language" do you use to describe your child's challenges? You seem to be lacking basic social skills.

OP again: I certainly wouldn’t do this re Larlo, since I wouldn’t recognize him to look at him and have never met his parents, but I definitely did it for her dyslexic friend whose mom is my friend. Just a simple “hey, Kid was saying she wanted to help Friend learn to read, I told her that’s not really her job and that Friend’s mom and dad are on top of helping Friend in the ways that work well for Friend, is there anything you’d like me to say differently or add to that?” Or if she had a friend with Tourettes I’d definitely ask the parents if there was a particular way they wanted me to explain it to her on the theory that whatever I say is likely to be parroted to the friend. But this is for kids who are her friends and whose parents I know. When she asks me about other people, I usually explain that everyone is different, including every body and every brain, and it’s not polite to speculate or to discuss strangers’ bodies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a person with Tourettes Syndrome, I was very pro-disclosure. I was lucky enough to grow up in a supportive community and I found that even now giving the facts helps take the air out of anyone's snottiness, particularly if my tics are disrupting a situation. I would echo those who have suggested reaching out to the teacher/parents if possible to figure out what language they've been using with their child. I also think that thinking about strengths and weakness is helpful (though I'm not afraid of the word disability) as it helps NT kids as well as non NT kids to put themselves in context and think about how they can best learn and grow.

As the parent of a child with an "invisible" special need I would be put out by someone "reaching out" in in faux empathy. Seriously would you really ask a parent that? What kind of "language" do you use to describe your child's challenges? You seem to be lacking basic social skills.

OP again: I certainly wouldn’t do this re Larlo, since I wouldn’t recognize him to look at him and have never met his parents, but I definitely did it for her dyslexic friend whose mom is my friend. Just a simple “hey, Kid was saying she wanted to help Friend learn to read, I told her that’s not really her job and that Friend’s mom and dad are on top of helping Friend in the ways that work well for Friend, is there anything you’d like me to say differently or add to that?” Or if she had a friend with Tourettes I’d definitely ask the parents if there was a particular way they wanted me to explain it to her on the theory that whatever I say is likely to be parroted to the friend. But this is for kids who are her friends and whose parents I know. When she asks me about other people, I usually explain that everyone is different, including every body and every brain, and it’s not polite to speculate or to discuss strangers’ bodies.

Honestly, I'm sure your intentions are good, but you really sound obnoxious and this is about your needs vs. the actual child's needs. You have no idea what its like to have a SN child and have absolutely no empathy. You sound like the person who drags your kid volunteering to prove something to them as its about your need as teaching moment vs. the person who is the recipients needs. I would be furious at the situation of you trekking your very very young child about my child, whom you have not me and you don't understand that your "good" intentions could easily cause harm and bullying to the other situation. As great as your child is, I would make sure our kids were not in the same classroom the following year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a person with Tourettes Syndrome, I was very pro-disclosure. I was lucky enough to grow up in a supportive community and I found that even now giving the facts helps take the air out of anyone's snottiness, particularly if my tics are disrupting a situation. I would echo those who have suggested reaching out to the teacher/parents if possible to figure out what language they've been using with their child. I also think that thinking about strengths and weakness is helpful (though I'm not afraid of the word disability) as it helps NT kids as well as non NT kids to put themselves in context and think about how they can best learn and grow.

As the parent of a child with an "invisible" special need I would be put out by someone "reaching out" in in faux empathy. Seriously would you really ask a parent that? What kind of "language" do you use to describe your child's challenges? You seem to be lacking basic social skills.

+1, no one wants another parent to email them saying "hey what's wrong with your kid so I can tell my kid what is wrong?" In K, many parents are not going into details with their own kids about their needs. I find the NT vs. non NT descriptions really offensive. Is this the new trendy definition to put down SN kids?