What do you want your kid’s NT classmates told?

[Anonymous]

My kindergartener doesn’t have any special needs, but from what she’s told me about school one of her classmates does. Larlo has other adults who sometimes help him in the classroom, got ear protection for the fire drill, etc. I haven’t said anything in particular because I don’t know anything for sure and it’s none of my business — just “oh, that’s interesting, did you play with Larlo at recess today? What was for lunch?” or whatever. But recently she came home and told me that they were all singing really loud in music class and Larlo got scared and ran away and ran all over the school and the teachers had to chase him, and wasn’t that HILARIOUS? Well, no, it’s not funny, and it probably makes Larlo feel terrible that all his classmates were laughing.

She’s familiar with the concept of special needs because her best friend from church is autistic and dyslexic, so we’ve talked to her about differences (quite specifically — I consulted friend’s mom, who is also autistic, about her suggested language), but since I obviously don’t know any details of Larlo’s life beyond what I hear from my daughter I don’t think it’s appropriate to speculate.

Anyway, I did a general “wow, that’s not nice, it sounds like Larlo was really upset, how would you feel if people laughed when you were cared of [a thing she’s scared of]?” but I think she might be kinder if I told her Larlo’s trouble is because his brain works differently, just like her church friend’s trouble reading isn’t because she’s dumb. OTOH, none of my business!

What would you prefer your kids’ classmates’ parents do? I’ve never met Larlo’s parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kindergartener doesn’t have any special needs, but from what she’s told me about school one of her classmates does. Larlo has other adults who sometimes help him in the classroom, got ear protection for the fire drill, etc. I haven’t said anything in particular because I don’t know anything for sure and it’s none of my business — just “oh, that’s interesting, did you play with Larlo at recess today? What was for lunch?” or whatever. But recently she came home and told me that they were all singing really loud in music class and Larlo got scared and ran away and ran all over the school and the teachers had to chase him, and wasn’t that HILARIOUS? Well, no, it’s not funny, and it probably makes Larlo feel terrible that all his classmates were laughing.

She’s familiar with the concept of special needs because her best friend from church is autistic and dyslexic, so we’ve talked to her about differences (quite specifically — I consulted friend’s mom, who is also autistic, about her suggested language), but since I obviously don’t know any details of Larlo’s life beyond what I hear from my daughter I don’t think it’s appropriate to speculate.

Anyway, I did a general “wow, that’s not nice, it sounds like Larlo was really upset, how would you feel if people laughed when you were cared of [a thing she’s scared of]?” but I think she might be kinder if I told her Larlo’s trouble is because his brain works differently, just like her church friend’s trouble reading isn’t because she’s dumb. OTOH, none of my business!

What would you prefer your kids’ classmates’ parents do? I’ve never met Larlo’s parents.

I think that what you said is good, but it may be better to couch it as "everyone's brains work differently" rather than just Larlo's brain works differently. Then you can talk about things that are different about NT kids as well as the SN kids.

[Anonymous]

Why are you so hesitant to say that he has a disability? It’s not shameful. Please use the word and talk to her about all kinds of disabilities. Parents who avoid this are really annoying — like parents who pretend we are all the same race.

[Anonymous]

Beyond being nice to my child, I do not want my child discussed or you speculating about their needs. It would be nice if you included mine in parties and came to our party but don't make it a 3 ring circus.

[Anonymous]

13:55 again. I say this as the parent of a child who uses a wheelchair. The reluctance to say the word “disability” confuses and astounds me. My kid knows she’s disabled. We don’t need to be shined on with some crap about how we’re all different or we all think differently or we all have weaknesses. Please be direct.

[Anonymous]

Good question. My youngest knows because her older brother has multiple issues. So we've never had any specific conversations about classmates because she can see that everyone is different and that some people's needs have to be accommodated in school.

As a scientist, I like your sentence about "brains working differently". For mental disorders like ADHD and ASD, that's exactly what it is. That's how we explained it to our son, who has severe ADHD as well as Aspie tendencies.

[Anonymous]

OP- I appreciate you asking the question.

I have a dyslexic child and an autistic child and the term disability can be really loaded within both of those diagnoses/ communities. So the language about everyone’s brain works differently is generally acceptable. We also talk about how everyone needs different things to be successful- that fair isn’t equal. So one child may be allowed to chew gum or listen to music because they need that.

We talk about this so much because even children who themselves have special needs need to be taught to be sensitive to differences in others.

In your situation I agree with your approach asking her how she would feel. I would likely go further by asking her how she could be a friend to Larlo- perhaps by being an upstander and reminding her classmates it isn’t funny.

I would avoid any specific language around diagnoses or disabilities because you don’t know how Larlo’s family speaks of his needs. I think it is best to stick to the language around brain differences and need differences and how we should all be kind to each other. It sounds like you are part of a faith community, so you can also leverage the”we are all God’s children” messages from your faith tradition.

And do please invite this child to any all class parties. You can reach out to the mom to offer to let her stay and support or just make it known he is welcome.

My child was excluded from a class Valentine’s party this week because of his disability- so inclusion is a sensitive topic for many of us.

[Anonymous]

My non sn daughter is also in k - my son is older - and I’m frankly surprised your daughter has picked up on this. There are several kids with iep in my kids class - I volunteer often - and they just aren’t aware yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:55 again. I say this as the parent of a child who uses a wheelchair. The reluctance to say the word “disability” confuses and astounds me. My kid knows she’s disabled. We don’t need to be shined on with some crap about how we’re all different or we all think differently or we all have weaknesses. Please be direct.

Perhaps as a parent of a child with a visible physical disability you could try to be more empathetic to children with invisible disabilities such as the OP appears to be describing in this case. A simple brain-based differences explanation is analogous to a description of a more visible physical dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

I have an NT kid in 1st and a classmate of his has ASD. The parents came in and did a presentation about it so all the kids were aware of why there were (obvious) differences. It was fantastic. It stopped any speculating between the kids themselves, as well as the parents. The kids learned a lot specifically about ASD and they also learned a bit more about flexibility and tolerance to differences generally. So, yes, in this case, the parents of the ASD child did an awesome job.

I have a 4th grader who has dyslexia with many of the bells and whistles. As he gets older, those bells and whistles are becoming more noticeable. It's all relatively benign stuff but he can't tie his shoe laces or sign his name legibly, he doesn't know left/right, has a hard time following directions in a sequence, has a hard time with days of week/months of year, etc. He's fairly upfront about telling his classmates why its harder for him to do x, y, or z. I do tell his coaches because when they're shouting directions like "turn left" or "reach with your right hand,"it would be easier and faster for everyone if they yelled "Larlo, turn toward the trees" or "use the hand that's closer to me."

[Anonymous]

I think you handled it very well, OP. I agree that saying something about everyone’s brains and/or bodies working differently is a good think to add. At kindergarten maybe you are wise not to frame it as a “disability” — when I was in college in the 90s the preferred term was “differently-abled”, which may seem silly and PC now but still I would hate to offend.

One year we did a class presentation about ASD to my son (with ASD)’s class and I love the idea, but it’s hard for parents to know if a teacher likes that approach or not. We did it because that year, the teacher asked every family to “share” something about themselves with the class. MAny families talked about their heritage, family traditions, etc. so it worked well.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you handled it wonderfully and you sound like a kind and empathetic person.

Unless you know for sure that the child has a disability, and know what language to use, I would stick with what you said, along with general language about how we are all different, and with being inclusive and kind.

I do agree that it is helpful to share information about differences. My son has a milder disability and needs one very visible accommodation. We always asked the teachers to explain why to the kids in his class at the beginning of the year because DC didn't want to field questions.

There are other kids in DC's school with a range of disabilities. Once we knew what those were, we explained to him the effects. He had started to complain that Johnny was annoying but stopped when I explained that Johnny has autism and that makes it hard for him to: ____, and here's what you can do: _____. It really helped, but I wouldn't have done that if I didn't know for sure that Johnny did have autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I appreciate you asking the question.

I have a dyslexic child and an autistic child and the term disability can be really loaded within both of those diagnoses/ communities. So the language about everyone’s brain works differently is generally acceptable. We also talk about how everyone needs different things to be successful- that fair isn’t equal. So one child may be allowed to chew gum or listen to music because they need that.

We talk about this so much because even children who themselves have special needs need to be taught to be sensitive to differences in others.

In your situation I agree with your approach asking her how she would feel. I would likely go further by asking her how she could be a friend to Larlo- perhaps by being an upstander and reminding her classmates it isn’t funny.

I would avoid any specific language around diagnoses or disabilities because you don’t know how Larlo’s family speaks of his needs. I think it is best to stick to the language around brain differences and need differences and how we should all be kind to each other. It sounds like you are part of a faith community, so you can also leverage the”we are all God’s children” messages from your faith tradition.

And do please invite this child to any all class parties. You can reach out to the mom to offer to let her stay and support or just make it known he is welcome.

My child was excluded from a class Valentine’s party this week because of his disability- so inclusion is a sensitive topic for many of us.

Your child being excluded from a class party is insane. How did that even happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so hesitant to say that he has a disability? It’s not shameful. Please use the word and talk to her about all kinds of disabilities. Parents who avoid this are really annoying — like parents who pretend we are all the same race.

OP here: because from what she's told me, I'd put money on Larlo being autistic and a lot of the autistic adults I know don't like being called disabled. We talk a fair bit about disabilities without using the word -- her dad used a variety of mobility aids for a while, so we are used to that and talk about how everyone's body is different and different people use different tools to do things.

Anyway, thank you for the input, everyone. I want her to be kind and inclusive, but I don't want to speculate inappropriately about Larlo's needs and I definitely don't want to give her the idea that there's something "weird" about Larlo even if she's noticed ways in which Larlo's behavior and circumstances are different from hers. I figured you all would be the right ones to ask!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I appreciate you asking the question.
Your child being excluded from a class party is insane. How did that even happen?

Read the so mad/ so sad thread for the details.