Artificial insemination and very insensitive wife (and MIL)....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have to do the mandatory counseling session as a couple before using donor materials? My spouse and I did when we lived in MD, it is helpful for this kind of situation.

No.

Question: how did you deal with the fact that one of you guys were not the bio-parent because that eliminates that whole ("he/she looks like you") and the whole "our baby" stuff where you have a shared aspiration/anticipation. I think there can still be a shared aspiration but it has to be about raising the kid together not focused on the physical traits. Did you actively think about/consider that or were you just naturally sensitive to it?

NP. We are going through donor egg for IVF. Our conversations relate to this still being our baby and something we share. My husband has said he is sad that he won't see any of my features in a future child and he would have liked to have seen what our child looked like. He has never mentioned what physical traits would come from the donor. I'm thinking he is naturally sensitive to it.

I can't believe what your wife has said. How hurtful. Have you sat down and explained your feelings to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry Op. That is really mean and disrespectful to you.

Is this representative of her general nature or is she usually sensitive and more attuned to your feelings?

The truth is she is self-centered. She is happy-go-lucky an usually very upbeat which covers over a lot of flaws but the loner we are together to more I notice that she just doesn't recognize people's needs around her. I think a lot of that is because, in general, people are always going out of their way for her. She has one of those people that everyone dotes on and she thinks its normal. Old ladies routinely comment to use when we are out and about that "you are so pretty/cute/etc. Bottom line is I think she is stunted because of that crap.

OP, the way your wife is behaving is very hurtful and insensitive, and this additional language makes it sound as if you barely tolerate her... why are you guys starting a family with your relationship in such dire straits? I agree with the pp who recommended counseling ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Dump now and you can potentially avoid child support.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is a horrible bitch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. I can't believe she was commenting on what features she would like from someone else. The comment she should be making is that she's sad she won't see your features.

If she isn't pregnant, I would think long and hard about whether you really want to do this. She doesn't sound kind or caring which can make for a very hard life for you.

This a million times, OP.

[Anonymous]

This is why we did IVF with P-ICSI. I could deal with fertility treatments to have a biological child and we agreed that adoption would be an alternative, but I did not want to create a child that was half genetically ours. I would rather be childless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have to do the mandatory counseling session as a couple before using donor materials? My spouse and I did when we lived in MD, it is helpful for this kind of situation.

No.

Question: how did you deal with the fact that one of you guys were not the bio-parent because that eliminates that whole ("he/she looks like you") and the whole "our baby" stuff where you have a shared aspiration/anticipation. I think there can still be a shared aspiration but it has to be about raising the kid together not focused on the physical traits. Did you actively think about/consider that or were you just naturally sensitive to it?

Honestly, once the baby is born I think you start to forget that you aren't biologically related, so you and definitely your family will talk about ways in which the baby has your traits. Of the families I know who used anonymous donors, there is very little talk about the child resembling the donor. I would strongly suggest that you call the clinic you used and ask them for a referral to a social worker or psychologist with experience with donor-conceived families. It sounds like you wife is a little out there in her reaction, but all of your feelings are really typical. You should take the opportunity to talk through those feelings now, and get some advice on how to talk to your wife about her hurtful comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I'm not going to talk to her about my feelings because the only dignity I've got regarding this my ability to such up my disappointment and deal with it.

If you can’t even talk to her about feelings you damn sure shouldn’t be raising a child together. Grow up. Both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why we did IVF with P-ICSI. I could deal with fertility treatments to have a biological child and we agreed that adoption would be an alternative, but I did not want to create a child that was half genetically ours. I would rather be childless.

Um this is not helpful. I’ve done ivf with the same procedure and still no baby. People that use donors have done all that.

[Anonymous]

Why are you even together,, let alone bringing a child into this mess?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP... your wife really does sound self centered and insensitive. Just remember that this baby is just as much yours as it is hers. You will be teaching him/her about life and everything. He/she might end up being more like you than your wife. Genetic is only part of the story. I would talk to your wife about it. You shouldn’t be proud about this... it has nothing to do with pride. If it were the other way around, I am sure your wife would be really upset and make sure you knew all about it. Imagine if it were your sperm and a donor egg. Would you’re wife be ok with you commenting about what features your child will take from this other woman? She would be livid and rightfully so. You have all the rights to be upset!

[Anonymous]

"I hope our child gets my patience."
"I hope our child gets my understanding."
"I hope our child gets my determination."
"I hope our child gets my sense of humour."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP... your wife really does sound self centered and insensitive. Just remember that this baby is just as much yours as it is hers. You will be teaching him/her about life and everything. He/she might end up being more like you than your wife. Genetic is only part of the story. I would talk to your wife about it. You shouldn’t be proud about this... it has nothing to do with pride. If it were the other way around, I am sure your wife would be really upset and make sure you knew all about it. Imagine if it were your sperm and a donor egg. Would you’re wife be ok with you commenting about what features your child will take from this other woman? She would be livid and rightfully so. You have all the rights to be upset!

Or you can divorce her and this child won't be yours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP... your wife really does sound self centered and insensitive. Just remember that this baby is just as much yours as it is hers. You will be teaching him/her about life and everything. He/she might end up being more like you than your wife. Genetic is only part of the story. I would talk to your wife about it. You shouldn’t be proud about this... it has nothing to do with pride. If it were the other way around, I am sure your wife would be really upset and make sure you knew all about it. Imagine if it were your sperm and a donor egg. Would you’re wife be ok with you commenting about what features your child will take from this other woman? She would be livid and rightfully so. You have all the rights to be upset!

Or you can divorce her and this child won't be yours

It's actually more complicated than that and depends on state law.

[Anonymous]

I find that even the folks I know who have used donors I forget, and will say to the non-genetically related parent, oh, Larla gets that from you! Then I realize what I've just said.