Artificial insemination and very insensitive wife (and MIL)....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you have to do the mandatory counseling session as a couple before using donor materials? My spouse and I did when we lived in MD, it is helpful for this kind of situation.

I thought it was mandatory everywhere, no? We used the counselor suggested by our DC/VA clinic.

[Anonymous]

If you both agreed to keep this private, I would be concerned at the ease and frequency in which they are discussing the doner so early on. Greater chance of a slip up in the future.

[Anonymous]

Okay. I'm going to put a side the universally agreed-upon notion that op's wife is acting badly. She is.

I want to focus on the fact that the OP is super contemptuous of his wife, and wants to check out of the entire child-rearing and pregnant pregnancy process rather than just talk to his wife about his feelings.

all of a sudden he is noticing all of these flaws just as he is about to become a parent potentially. I am sensing that OP has different issues going on here

you need to talk to her op. maybe her way of dealing with the fact that you're not the bio father is by making light of it and focusing on the positive. It doesn't make her less insensitive, but it's definitely good to consider a different motivation.

your refusal to talk to her in order to maintain your dignity is going to be a problem. You need to give her a chance to make it right not sit there and simmer like a put-upon baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay. I'm going to put a side the universally agreed-upon notion that op's wife is acting badly. She is.

I want to focus on the fact that the OP is super contemptuous of his wife, and wants to check out of the entire child-rearing and pregnant pregnancy process rather than just talk to his wife about his feelings.

all of a sudden he is noticing all of these flaws just as he is about to become a parent potentially. I am sensing that OP has different issues going on here

you need to talk to her op. maybe her way of dealing with the fact that you're not the bio father is by making light of it and focusing on the positive. It doesn't make her less insensitive, but it's definitely good to consider a different motivation.

your refusal to talk to her in order to maintain your dignity is going to be a problem. You need to give her a chance to make it right not sit there and simmer like a put-upon baby[/quote]

you are considerably off base on this. Usually I think every opinion matters but in this case yours doesn't.

[Anonymous]

OP needs to grow a pair and put wifey in her place.

No wonder she treats him like a doormat; that's how he presents.

[Anonymous]

So your wife is self-centered, insensitive, and apparently without common sense (because you don't need to be a nuclear physicist to know that's a mean thing to say).

And you are resentful, afraid to share your feelings with your wife, and willing to "check out" of the process rather than have a hard conversation.

You two will make awesome parents.

Seriously, you both have some major issues that need to be addressed. If your wife isn't pregnant, put further tries on hold. Either way, get to counseling, stat. Both of you.

[Anonymous]

Your wife sounds awful and the balance of power is way off in this relationship; run now before you wreck what’s left of your life and the entirety of this unborn child’s life.
Your wife likely isn’t pregnant but she probably is taking all sorts of fertility drugs which is making her skin break out.
Children are a gigantic pain in the ass and sometimes can be a tremendous strain on the best relationship, yours is not ready for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay. I'm going to put a side the universally agreed-upon notion that op's wife is acting badly. She is.

I want to focus on the fact that the OP is super contemptuous of his wife, and wants to check out of the entire child-rearing and pregnant pregnancy process rather than just talk to his wife about his feelings.

all of a sudden he is noticing all of these flaws just as he is about to become a parent potentially. I am sensing that OP has different issues going on here

you need to talk to her op. maybe her way of dealing with the fact that you're not the bio father is by making light of it and focusing on the positive. It doesn't make her less insensitive, but it's definitely good to consider a different motivation.

your refusal to talk to her in order to maintain your dignity is going to be a problem. You need to give her a chance to make it right not sit there and simmer like a put-upon baby[/quote]

you are considerably off base on this. Usually I think every opinion matters but in this case yours doesn't.

So you have NEVER done anything thoughtless or unkind and had someone call you on it? There is NO WAY it is healthier fro him to simmer than it is for him to tell her his feelings and give her a chance to make it right.
No wonder people are so desperately unhappy here.
They are children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry Op. That is really mean and disrespectful to you.

Is this representative of her general nature or is she usually sensitive and more attuned to your feelings?

The truth is she is self-centered. She is happy-go-lucky an usually very upbeat which covers over a lot of flaws but the loner we are together to more I notice that she just doesn't recognize people's needs around her. I think a lot of that is because, in general, people are always going out of their way for her. She has one of those people that everyone dotes on and she thinks its normal. Old ladies routinely comment to use when we are out and about that "you are so pretty/cute/etc. Bottom line is I think she is stunted because of that crap.

Before you and she add a child to your lives you truly need couples therapy. Now.

Seriously. Did you not have to do that before this? I find it hard to believe that a doctor would use AI with a donor and not make the couple go through therapy first. There seem to be a minefield of issues that could come of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I'm not going to talk to her about my feelings because the only dignity I've got regarding this my ability to such up my disappointment and deal with it.

I think you should mention it as bothering you, but NBD. She. Is allowed to have feelings, too. Share now instead of reacting with resentment later. What could happen is that when baby comes, you are putting in 50/50 and the normal frustration of a newborn and kids im general blows up later. Don't fight about, just FYI it.

[Anonymous]

Ok. I guess I’m the outlier here, but what’s so terrible about the wife commenting on what features the kid gets from the donor? I would assume that OP hopes that the kid would get some of the better attributes as well. The real problem here is that OP has not come to terms with the fact that the child will not be biologically his. Until he becomes comes to accept that he will be seeing features in his future child that came from another man, he really shouldn’t be going down this avenue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. I guess I’m the outlier here, but what’s so terrible about the wife commenting on what features the kid gets from the donor? I would assume that OP hopes that the kid would get some of the better attributes as well. The real problem here is that OP has not come to terms with the fact that the child will not be biologically his. Until he becomes comes to accept that he will be seeing features in his future child that came from another man, he really shouldn’t be going down this avenue.

What's "terrible" is that she is rubbing the father's nose in the fact that she is having a baby that's not his. She is an insensitive moron. She can help him to "come to terms with this" by shutting the hell up about it, forever.

[Anonymous]

DW and I considered having another child using a DE and my sperm. Ultimately she couldn't get past the fact that the child would be 50% mine and 0% hers, so we didn't do it. Seems to me the OP should have gone with donated eggs as well as sperm, to avoid the hard feelings of "that kid is yours but not mine".

[Anonymous]

OP LISTEN UP!

It is not a realistic expectation that other people READ YOUR MIND about things that might upset you.

You need to TALK to your wife. Yes, in an ideal world she'd have been more sensitive, but she might be underestimating your level of comfort with this situation.

TELL HER how you feel. It is not losing dignity.

It is ridiculous, pathological, codependent behavior to expect other people to read your mind and anticipate what you need.

YOU are in the wrong here.

[Anonymous]

OP, was the insemination done legally? I ask because it sounds like she may have a crush on the donor. Know that if she really wants to, and she just may, that she could find this person. Nobody is anonymous with the internet, and a determined person can find anybody. I'd be worried she may try to take away your rights to the child. I'd also be worried you'd have to pay for her defense if she gets arrested stalking the donor. If I were you, I'd end the marriage. She's humiliating you, her mom is complicit in the humilitation, and your wife seems nutty enough, that unless this insemination was done in a doctor's office with a reputable sperm bank and all the legalese squared away, you will be treated like acoculed husband. And, while I'm at it, are you sure she isn't screwing the ex-boyfriend? I'm not sure counceling can fix your wife's issues, not if her mom is egging her on. The lack of preinsemination counceling makes me wonder if things were done under the table.