Tired of BIL’s awkward comments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for calling him out when he says anything negative about his wife using you to do so.

“Scott, I’m glad you liked the turkey, but it doesn’t feel like a complement when you follow it up with something nasty about Zelda. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Cut it out. Your wife is great and you are lucky she married you at all.”

+1. Types like him don’t take hints. You need to be direct and do it in the moment, like with a 3 year old. Then if he repeats it don’t meet up with them. Leave your DH to handle the interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for calling him out when he says anything negative about his wife using you to do so.

“Scott, I’m glad you liked the turkey, but it doesn’t feel like a complement when you follow it up with something nasty about Zelda. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Cut it out. Your wife is great and you are lucky she married you at all.”

+1. Types like him don’t take hints. You need to be direct and do it in the moment, like with a 3 year old. Then if he repeats it don’t meet up with them. Leave your DH to handle the interaction.

+2 OP stick up for your SIL in the moment! Make it clear to SIL and BIL whose side you are on!

[Anonymous]

I'd tell him to leave, that SIL can stay and is welcome anytime, but as long as he acts like a prick, he's not invited.

Then I'd look right at SIL and tell her if she wants to divorce him at any point, you'd be happy to be a witness in court if needed.

[Anonymous]

Yes,yes yes, call him out!

Too much time at work? Todd, you seem to have no problem spending her money on that new car.

Not enough cooking? Todd, you don't look like you have missed too many meals (more points if he has gained a few pounds).

[Anonymous]

I would try to keep out of it but say non-offensive things.

If BIL says he likes your clothes over SIL's clothes, you just say "Really? Because your wife has terrific taste and DH and I always admire her sense of style!"

If BIL says. "I wish Larla cooked more for the family!", You can say. "She is very good in her corporate job and I am very good in things I like to do at home. I guess it all evens out."

Finally, your DH and you should just compliment the SIL about something genuine before your BIL starts putting her down.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I'd try icy silence or call him out as others have scripted here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“You know what? I admire the heck out of your wife. She has a great career and is really good at what she does.” Or “your wife is wonderful. I couldn’t do what she does, x, y, or z.”
After multiple comments, you can be blunt; “that’s very disrespectful and way off base.”

This but the other way around: FIRST, the very next time he does it you AND your husband say "That's disrespectful of SIL Sally and way off base." "Yeah, bro, you're always comparing Jill to Sally. Sally is great at what she does and we admire her."

If both you and DH do this as a united front and have your script prepared and ready to say to him, it will startle him so much he may shut up. And it will show SIL that you and DH are not part of her idiot husband's mean and petty dynamic. Do this IN FRONT of her. I might even add to her in front of him, "Sally, I'm sorry Bill compares us like this."

You can also approach her privately and be frank that you are aware of this whole mess and you feel it's worse, and are not encouraging it. Tell her that your DH, his brother, is going to speak to him directly because you no longer want it to harm the good relationship you want with her.

Then be sure that DH does indeed take his brother aside one on one and slams him hard for being a total a$$ in front of everyone. DH needs to tell BIL that both DH and you will leave the next time he starts the comparisons. And on a kinder note, maybe BIL has some other issue that makes him such a jerk and it manifests this way, especially if it's getting worse. I'd bet the marriage is in trouble. But BIL needs to hear very, very clearly and without mincing words that DH and you won't tolerate this. BIL is likely to say, "But I am not really doing it that much! You're exaggerating" etc. Don't let him pull that stunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:CUSS.HIS.ASS.OUT.

"Chuck, knock this shit off. It's not cute, it's not complimentary to me. Stop trying to use me to insult your wife . You ain't slick, you're sick. Keep this up and see how cute you sound with me beating your ass in this outfit you claim to like so much"
"Chuck, shut up"
"Mother******, please"
"Dude, you are a jerk"
"You know nobody here thinks you are slick"
"Lara, if you order because Chuck out right here right now you know nobody would blame you "
Or any variation you choose'

That's what I'm talkiing about! A good, old fashioned cuss out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:CUSS.HIS.ASS.OUT.

"Chuck, knock this shit off. It's not cute, it's not complimentary to me. Stop trying to use me to insult your wife . You ain't slick, you're sick. Keep this up and see how cute you sound with me beating your ass in this outfit you claim to like so much"
"Chuck, shut up"
"Mother******, please"
"Dude, you are a jerk"
"You know nobody here thinks you are slick"
"Lara, if you order because Chuck out right here right now you know nobody would blame you "
Or any variation you choose'

That's what I'm talkiing about! A good, old fashioned cuss out.

I don't know. This would never be my style. I would like my BIL and SIL to get along and would do everything to support SIL but not add more fuel to the fire. That never ends well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell him to leave, that SIL can stay and is welcome anytime, but as long as he acts like a prick, he's not invited.

Then I'd look right at SIL and tell her if she wants to divorce him at any point, you'd be happy to be a witness in court if needed.

Wow! What if SIL does not want to divorce him? What if she has kids with this man and will be plunged into poverty if the family breaks up? I would not make a bad situation worse by trying to wreck her marriage or even alienate BIL so much that there are rifts in the family. I would be a champion of my SIL in a way that our position becomes clear to BIL and at the same time we would try and play peacemakers and encourage them to go to couples therapy. DH would certainly talk to BIL and steer him towards being nicer to SIL and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:CUSS.HIS.ASS.OUT.

"Chuck, knock this shit off. It's not cute, it's not complimentary to me. Stop trying to use me to insult your wife . You ain't slick, you're sick. Keep this up and see how cute you sound with me beating your ass in this outfit you claim to like so much"
"Chuck, shut up"
"Mother******, please"
"Dude, you are a jerk"
"You know nobody here thinks you are slick"
"Lara, if you order because Chuck out right here right now you know nobody would blame you "
Or any variation you choose'

That's what I'm talkiing about! A good, old fashioned cuss out.

I don't know. This would never be my style. I would like my BIL and SIL to get along and would do everything to support SIL but not add more fuel to the fire. That never ends well.

This man is emotionally abusing his wife, and WITHOUT OP's permission using HER to do it.
AND has the further nerve to tell his own brother to mind his own business when He points this out to him???!!!!
WELL, NUCK IF YOU GONNA BUCK!
"Chuck, keep my d*** name out of your mouth. And when you say your wife's name, put some respect on it!!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell him to leave, that SIL can stay and is welcome anytime, but as long as he acts like a prick, he's not invited.

Then I'd look right at SIL and tell her if she wants to divorce him at any point, you'd be happy to be a witness in court if needed.

Wow! What if SIL does not want to divorce him? What if she has kids with this man and will be plunged into poverty if the family breaks up? I would not make a bad situation worse by trying to wreck her marriage or even alienate BIL so much that there are rifts in the family. I would be a champion of my SIL in a way that our position becomes clear to BIL and at the same time we would try and play peacemakers and encourage them to go to couples therapy. DH would certainly talk to BIL and steer him towards being nicer to SIL and children.

Play peacemaker are you on meth?

[Anonymous]

Some of you all are too dang nice, or too darn scary and that is how you all get in these situations.

[Anonymous]

Next time he compliments your cooking and insults hers:

“Thank you Bill, I’m glad you enjoyed the mashed potatoes” then with a big smile “But I hope you know that if DH ever talked to me the way you’re speaking to Larla he would be lucky to come home to a plate of rocks” Then shrug, smile “But that’s me, everyone’s different.”

He says he wished she spent more time with her kids the way you do.

“I think Larla is such a wonderful role model for her children and to mine. I hope you know that our children look up to Larla and we are all proud of your success.”

He compliments your clothing and insults hers:

“Thank you Bill, though I have to say that if DH commented negatively on my clothes he would get slapped. We’re all lucky Larla has more class than I would in that situation.” Be sure to end with a big smile every time.

And if he pushes back on anything you respond “oh, I’m just being honest. Do you want me to lie?”

I know these moments are uncomfortable and most people’s natural instinct is to get out of the situation. Your husband is not cutting off his brother so you can be prepared next time you see them. Practice a script. It’s so much easier when you already know what you’re going to say. Then you’re not coming up with something on the spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time he compliments your cooking and insults hers:

“Thank you Bill, I’m glad you enjoyed the mashed potatoes” then with a big smile “But I hope you know that if DH ever talked to me the way you’re speaking to Larla he would be lucky to come home to a plate of rocks” Then shrug, smile “But that’s me, everyone’s different.”

He says he wished she spent more time with her kids the way you do.

“I think Larla is such a wonderful role model for her children and to mine. I hope you know that our children look up to Larla and we are all proud of your success.”

He compliments your clothing and insults hers:

“Thank you Bill, though I have to say that if DH commented negatively on my clothes he would get slapped. We’re all lucky Larla has more class than I would in that situation.” Be sure to end with a big smile every time.

And if he pushes back on anything you respond “oh, I’m just being honest. Do you want me to lie?”

I know these moments are uncomfortable and most people’s natural instinct is to get out of the situation. Your husband is not cutting off his brother so you can be prepared next time you see them. Practice a script. It’s so much easier when you already know what you’re going to say. Then you’re not coming up with something on the spot.

This. And practice it with your husband so that you're BOTH doing it. That poor wife. I wonder why she hasn't straightened him out. Either she is used to being abused or she doesn't want to start a fight in front of you guys. Either way, your BIL's behavior will stop when you stand up to him. Please don't isolate your SIL by stopping inviting them over. You may be her lifeline.