Tired of BIL’s awkward comments
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Anonymous
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DH’s older brother always makes awkward and inappropriate comments about me in front of his wife and I don’t know what to do about it. He is constantly comparing us and calling out her shortcomings. This morning they came over for brunch and at the table BIL started asking me where I typically shop for clothes because he would like her to dress more like me. SIL wears a lot of Lilly Pullitzer bright colors and patterns and he said she needs some plainer clothes. So weird, and of course he says it right in front of SIL which causes an argument most of the time. I am a SAHM and SIL is a corporate lawyer with a demanding job and he is constantly picking on her for working too much, and will often say things like she should really try to spend more time with her family like I do. The other big thing he mentions often is that I like to cook and do it all the time, and SIL never cooks - so he will say he wishes SIL cooked like I do. He will often compliment me on something right in front of SIL just to dig at her.
There are a million other little things but it has created a ton of tension between SIL and me, and I truly don’t blame her. I think she thinks her husband wishes he married me - even though I don’t think it’s a romantic/sexual thing at all. They clearly have some relationship issues but I hate being a part of it. DH has tried talking to him a few times but BIL essentially says to mind our own business. It has gotten worse lately - what can I do about this?? Do I try to talk to SIL to let her know I feel bad? I really think she is strting to hate me. |
Anonymous
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He is a jerk. I would probably limit my time with him and not say much when I have to be around him just so I was giving him more ammo to be such a jerk to his wife.
Do you like her? I would stay friendly with her and be open with her and keep the relationship more with her and less with her dumb husband. |
Anonymous
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Yes, I’d approach your sil. I’d also start to put your bil in his place and stick up for your sil when bil is being a jerk. Saying nothing time after time when someone is being harassed means you are being complicit.
You can even simply say something as neutral as ‘everyone has their own style/hobbies/interests and that’s what makes them beautiful and unique.’ |
Anonymous
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“You know what? I admire the heck out of your wife. She has a great career and is really good at what she does.” Or “your wife is wonderful. I couldn’t do what she does, x, y, or z.”
After multiple comments, you can be blunt; “that’s very disrespectful and way off base.” |
Anonymous
| He’s using you to make his wife feel bad. Tell your dh to talk to him to stop the comments. Plus it’s causing a problem between you and SIL. Don’t see them as often. |
Anonymous
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CUSS.HIS.ASS.OUT.
"Chuck, knock this shit off. It's not cute, it's not complimentary to me. Stop trying to use me to insult your wife . You ain't slick, you're sick. Keep this up and see how cute you sound with me beating your ass in this outfit you claim to like so much" "Chuck, shut up" "Mother******, please" "Dude, you are a jerk" "You know nobody here thinks you are slick" "Lara, if you order because Chuck out right here right now you know nobody would blame you " Or any variation you choose' |
Anonymous
| OP, you need to spend less time together. Let the men hang out together if they want. |
Anonymous
Nice try, but people like him need to be DEALT WOTH! This ust kicks the can down the road . People like him count on other people to just play nice while he plays games . Hand him his A** |
Anonymous
| Call him out to his face, in real time, and stick up for her. |
Anonymous
| Why are you talking to his wife and your husband instead of him? Call him out. SIL probably dislikes you because you are apologizing after the fact but doing nothing to stop the abuse in the moment. (Would you do that if it were physical jabs - wait for later and apologize for the hurt or step in to stop the hurt? Emotional abuse is not much different.) When he comments that he’d like his wife to do X like you do just say “Why? Betty dresses so stylishly already. Maybe you don’t understand what women like these days.” “Why does Betty need to do all the cooking? Bill cooks in our house too so you can easily make this as well” “Why do you always have to make a comparison? It’s really unnerving. Are you feeling bad about something? Does her impressive career intimidate you?” He’s keeping the upper hand here and you all are letting him be hurtful. |
Anonymous
| 16:29 here. I missed that you said your dh already talked to him. Dh should still talk to him. Why should you have to be arguing with BIL about it? I personally am not good of thinking on my feet in those circumstances. |
Anonymous
What's the think about? Tell him to shut the F up Dude stop using me and talking about me to try and insult your wife go to counseling get Jesus take some medicine believe my ass out of your ignorant stuff |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
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Another vote for calling him out when he says anything negative about his wife using you to do so.
“Scott, I’m glad you liked the turkey, but it doesn’t feel like a complement when you follow it up with something nasty about Zelda. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Cut it out. Your wife is great and you are lucky she married you at all.” |
Anonymous
This. You need to be direct to stop his bullying behavior. His wife will appreciate it and your husband will support you. |