Tell Me About Being an Only Child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an only child and feel I missed out on sharing, accommodating others and developing social skills related to that. As a result, I think I go the other way in my adult life. I can't say no.

An only child can have an active social life with friends outside of the home, so this is not a concern. But when it matters most, ie, in the most intimate functioning of a household, they will necessarily be the center of attention. Their needs are guaranteed to be a priority. Parents can become suffocating, especially in the teen years. There may be a lot more pressure to succeed, because it's the parents' one and only chance.

And the reality is that these tendencies are nearly impossible to change, OP. I've seen my friends with onlies behave in the same way my parents behaved. Their children are all to some degree coddled and unconsciously self-centered because it's so hard to do otherwise.

So I don't have much advice really, except to suggest that you need to watch for your child's ability to accommodate other people's needs, yet also learn to stand their ground when need be. Something to substitute for that sibling relationship. Perhaps get your child to sleepover camps, promote close friendships, get your child into activities that will become a second family for years. Something like that.

I like how you said unconsciously self-centered. My partner is an only and though he's not particularly selfish, sharing doesn't come naturally.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only. It was fine. I was raised by a single mom and my grandmother. I'm an only just because my parents marriage failed when I was very young and they got divorced so it wasn't a good situation to have more kids.

I'm not sure if my dad ever wanted to be a father. We are not close. My mom and I are very close. We take vacations together and talk every day. I have always been sort of awkward, but I don't think that has anything to do with being an only. I think it's just my personality, lol. It hasn't hurt me though. I have equally nerdy friends and a surprisingly cool husband. Living in a dorm in college was hard because I was not used to sharing a room and bathroom. But I got over it and am still close with some of my old roommates, 15 years later! I enjoy being alone and am fairly independent. I'm not shy but I definitely like to be alone to recharge. That may have something to do with being an only. I learned how to entertain myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of trying for #2, I think we're going to call it quits. Even though I would LOVE to have another baby, I think it's just not in the cards for us (after years of IVF).

Now that I'm thinking we'll remain a family of 3 and that my daughter will be an only child, I'm wondering if folks could tell me about their experiences as an only. What was helpful? What did your parents do that you appreciated? What did you hate about it? What did your parents do well? What do you wish they had done differently?

All advice is appreciated!

I don't have direct experience but, I hope that it is ok when I share this. My sister has one child and he is one of the happiest kids! My sis is good about playdates and social outings so that he gets socialization but, he appreciates the quiet and alone time when it is just the three of them.

My sis had him late so he is a very much "miracle baby" She wishes she could have had two but, is happy for one. What made a difference is she and her DH never express sadness over having one. They say it would have been great but, it wasn't in the cards and look how happy we are because we can do this or that.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the spouse of an only, one thing I really appreciate is that MIL and FIL were happy to celebrate holidays on our terms. As long as she gets a Thanksgiving dinner with her son or a chance to open Christmas presents, it doesn't matter if it's that day or a week earlier/later.

There is a lot of pressure on only children, so that's something to watch. Also, have solid plans in place for when you're older and health declines. It is a lot of pressure on an only to be the only one responsible for aging parents.

DH never minded being an only child. Try not to worry too much about it. There are definite benefits.

Anecdotal accounts are not helpful, especially since there are plenty of studies about only children.

OP -- studies have shown that only children are no more lonely, spoiled, or socially maladjusted than children with siblings. Only children and children with siblings can feel pressure to take care of aging parents. Likewise, both can feel tremendous pressure from parents to perform at a certain level. Point being -- do what makes sense for your family. There are no generalizations one can make about what it's like growing up in various family arrangements.

Yes, agreed that pressure can happen with siblings, as well. But, don't you notice a theme here? All three only-child PPs have mentioned feeling pressure.

No -- I see people posting about feeling pressure, and others posting about not feeling pressure. Also, I'm inclined to believe studies more than a bunch of anonymous internet posters.

Well, the three I was referring to were the ones immediately prior to your initial post. So, yes, there are other anecdotal accounts following that message that point to completely different scenarios.

I believe in studies, too, but the OP asked for personal experiences as an only child, not results of studies.

[Anonymous]

I’m an only. I had a very close relationship with both parents. It was cozy. But I echo the pressure comments. When my father passed away in my late teens (who I absolutely adored) one of the first emotions I had (on top of overwhelming sadness and grief) was relief that I didn’t have to keep pushing myself to live up to his expectations. I think the pressure would have greatly eased if there had been another focus of my parents’ attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only. I had a very close relationship with both parents. It was cozy. But I echo the pressure comments. When my father passed away in my late teens (who I absolutely adored) one of the first emotions I had (on top of overwhelming sadness and grief) was relief that I didn’t have to keep pushing myself to live up to his expectations. I think the pressure would have greatly eased if there had been another focus of my parents’ attention.

I have a sister and still felt overwhelming pressure from my parents to perform. Point being, this is not a product of being an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only. I had a very close relationship with both parents. It was cozy. But I echo the pressure comments. When my father passed away in my late teens (who I absolutely adored) one of the first emotions I had (on top of overwhelming sadness and grief) was relief that I didn’t have to keep pushing myself to live up to his expectations. I think the pressure would have greatly eased if there had been another focus of my parents’ attention.

I have a sister and still felt overwhelming pressure from my parents to perform. Point being, this is not a product of being an only child.

Not always, but it can be. In my case I’m pretty sure it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the spouse of an only, one thing I really appreciate is that MIL and FIL were happy to celebrate holidays on our terms. As long as she gets a Thanksgiving dinner with her son or a chance to open Christmas presents, it doesn't matter if it's that day or a week earlier/later.

There is a lot of pressure on only children, so that's something to watch. Also, have solid plans in place for when you're older and health declines. It is a lot of pressure on an only to be the only one responsible for aging parents.

DH never minded being an only child. Try not to worry too much about it. There are definite benefits.

Anecdotal accounts are not helpful, especially since there are plenty of studies about only children.

OP -- studies have shown that only children are no more lonely, spoiled, or socially maladjusted than children with siblings. Only children and children with siblings can feel pressure to take care of aging parents. Likewise, both can feel tremendous pressure from parents to perform at a certain level. Point being -- do what makes sense for your family. There are no generalizations one can make about what it's like growing up in various family arrangements.

Yes, agreed that pressure can happen with siblings, as well. But, don't you notice a theme here? All three only-child PPs have mentioned feeling pressure.

The studies say onlies turn out the same as eldest children. If you started a thread "Tell me about being an eldest" I bet you would get a lot of the same. I am an eldest and felt a lot of pressure to succeed, perform academically, get a good job. DH is also an eldest and we are both the responsible ones who will care for aging parents.

[Anonymous]

As an only child, you are always trying to take care of oneself, do things for oneself cause no one is there to help you. Unless you can make really good honest and faithful friends that will be there to help you when you need help.
That means you will learn to take care of yourself well. If you can't learn that, you will have to depend on others. Go along with how your personality is like. Some people don't have want to deal with others.

On the other hands, if there are siblings, there is no guaranteed they will be around you all the time. They could end up to be idiots and awful people who hates you. Not all siblings get along from childhood to adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the spouse of an only, one thing I really appreciate is that MIL and FIL were happy to celebrate holidays on our terms. As long as she gets a Thanksgiving dinner with her son or a chance to open Christmas presents, it doesn't matter if it's that day or a week earlier/later.

There is a lot of pressure on only children, so that's something to watch. Also, have solid plans in place for when you're older and health declines. It is a lot of pressure on an only to be the only one responsible for aging parents.

DH never minded being an only child. Try not to worry too much about it. There are definite benefits.

Anecdotal accounts are not helpful, especially since there are plenty of studies about only children.

OP -- studies have shown that only children are no more lonely, spoiled, or socially maladjusted than children with siblings. Only children and children with siblings can feel pressure to take care of aging parents. Likewise, both can feel tremendous pressure from parents to perform at a certain level. Point being -- do what makes sense for your family. There are no generalizations one can make about what it's like growing up in various family arrangements.

Yes, agreed that pressure can happen with siblings, as well. But, don't you notice a theme here? All three only-child PPs have mentioned feeling pressure.

The studies say onlies turn out the same as eldest children. If you started a thread "Tell me about being an eldest" I bet you would get a lot of the same. I am an eldest and felt a lot of pressure to succeed, perform academically, get a good job. DH is also an eldest and we are both the responsible ones who will care for aging parents.

Yep, that's exactly right. As my grandma (who isn't very tactful/has no filter) has always said, "younger children are lovely, but parents always have a special place in their hearts for their first." Sucks for my mom because she's the 2nd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of trying for #2, I think we're going to call it quits. Even though I would LOVE to have another baby, I think it's just not in the cards for us (after years of IVF).

Now that I'm thinking we'll remain a family of 3 and that my daughter will be an only child, I'm wondering if folks could tell me about their experiences as an only. What was helpful? What did your parents do that you appreciated? What did you hate about it? What did your parents do well? What do you wish they had done differently?

All advice is appreciated!

The attention is great. The loneliness is not. It would have been helpful if we lived in a neighborhood with lots of kids my age, but we lived in the middle of nowhere. When I got to be a teen I hated that my mom thought of me as more of a friend/confidant/sister than a child. I wish they made more of an effort to have me involved in age-appropriate activities where I could make friends my own age, instead of bringing me to their parties, etc. I learned how to converse with adults and whatnot- but, again, it was lonely. It didn't have to be, and I have friends with only's who are not lonely because their parents make efforts to have them involved in team sports, live in kid-friendly neighborhoods, and basically make a bigger family for them. Also, since their attention & money is not diluted, the kids have lots of opportunities that might not be as available if siblings were in the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an only child because my mother hated children and my father insisted on one (oddly, DH and I repeat this dynamic in terms of feelings, except we have two).

They didn't do anything about my being an only child. I turned out fine. You're overthinking.

You hate children? And you have two?

And you think you turned out fine??

Well obviously I don't hate MY children. And yes, I did turn out fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was an only to a single Mom and not the center of her universe. She was 'detached' in that she worked FT while I was a latch-key kid, and did a lot of stuff with friends while sending me to grandma's house. Examples: never did any trips/vacations with me but went on ski trips and Caribbean sailing trips with friends, sent me away to summer camp for 5 weeks every summer, I used to do weekend tournaments and she'd never come watch. When I turned 18, I went away to college and never returned home.

Now, when she visits my home, she's all over me - a real smother mother. She's always interrogating me with questions, watching me all the time for my reaction to things. When she meets one of my friends, the interrogation starts on her like she's trying to find out all about me from a 3rd party. I gave up Facebook because she stalks every comment that I make. It's exhausting.

My mom has always done this and still does. My parents have been together for 35 years and I have an older sister. We attribute so much to family structure, but people are so different and everything is more dependent on individuals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an only child and feel I missed out on sharing, accommodating others and developing social skills related to that. As a result, I think I go the other way in my adult life. I can't say no.

An only child can have an active social life with friends outside of the home, so this is not a concern. But when it matters most, ie, in the most intimate functioning of a household, they will necessarily be the center of attention. Their needs are guaranteed to be a priority. Parents can become suffocating, especially in the teen years. There may be a lot more pressure to succeed, because it's the parents' one and only chance.

And the reality is that these tendencies are nearly impossible to change, OP. I've seen my friends with onlies behave in the same way my parents behaved. Their children are all to some degree coddled and unconsciously self-centered because it's so hard to do otherwise.

So I don't have much advice really, except to suggest that you need to watch for your child's ability to accommodate other people's needs, yet also learn to stand their ground when need be. Something to substitute for that sibling relationship. Perhaps get your child to sleepover camps, promote close friendships, get your child into activities that will become a second family for years. Something like that.

PP from 13:02 here. +1000 to this. The pressure was intense. I was always a "good girl", bookish, quiet type who never caused them any trouble. I excelled in high school but struggled in college, both personally and academically. I hid as much as I could from my parents, until I couldn't anymore. The fear of failure and disappointment that I was afraid I would cause them was awful.

PPs have nailed it. As an only child, the biggest issue is that I am afraid to say anything to my parents that indicate life isn't 100% great because, as PP said, I am the "one and only chance." I am 36 and still feel this way! Not sure how you can mitigate it, but does feel like this is the main challenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an only child and feel I missed out on sharing, accommodating others and developing social skills related to that. As a result, I think I go the other way in my adult life. I can't say no.

An only child can have an active social life with friends outside of the home, so this is not a concern. But when it matters most, ie, in the most intimate functioning of a household, they will necessarily be the center of attention. Their needs are guaranteed to be a priority. Parents can become suffocating, especially in the teen years. There may be a lot more pressure to succeed, because it's the parents' one and only chance.

And the reality is that these tendencies are nearly impossible to change, OP. I've seen my friends with onlies behave in the same way my parents behaved. Their children are all to some degree coddled and unconsciously self-centered because it's so hard to do otherwise.

So I don't have much advice really, except to suggest that you need to watch for your child's ability to accommodate other people's needs, yet also learn to stand their ground when need be. Something to substitute for that sibling relationship. Perhaps get your child to sleepover camps, promote close friendships, get your child into activities that will become a second family for years. Something like that.

I'm the above PP following up. My two children are 5 years apart, so for the five years of his life, my oldest was an only child. When my second was born, and as she grew, I felt distinctly that there was less pressure on my firstborn, and that I wasn't constantly thinking about "just" him. Instead of having everything to themselves, both kids have learned to share and negotiate. I think we have a healthier dynamic now.

The PP against anecdotal data is perfectly right, of course. But it can be valuable to go beyond statistics and listen to people's stories.