Tell Me About Being an Only Child

[Anonymous]

After years of trying for #2, I think we're going to call it quits. Even though I would LOVE to have another baby, I think it's just not in the cards for us (after years of IVF).

Now that I'm thinking we'll remain a family of 3 and that my daughter will be an only child, I'm wondering if folks could tell me about their experiences as an only. What was helpful? What did your parents do that you appreciated? What did you hate about it? What did your parents do well? What do you wish they had done differently?

All advice is appreciated!

[Anonymous]

I am an only child and feel I missed out on sharing, accommodating others and developing social skills related to that. As a result, I think I go the other way in my adult life. I can't say no.

An only child can have an active social life with friends outside of the home, so this is not a concern. But when it matters most, ie, in the most intimate functioning of a household, they will necessarily be the center of attention. Their needs are guaranteed to be a priority. Parents can become suffocating, especially in the teen years. There may be a lot more pressure to succeed, because it's the parents' one and only chance.

And the reality is that these tendencies are nearly impossible to change, OP. I've seen my friends with onlies behave in the same way my parents behaved. Their children are all to some degree coddled and unconsciously self-centered because it's so hard to do otherwise.

So I don't have much advice really, except to suggest that you need to watch for your child's ability to accommodate other people's needs, yet also learn to stand their ground when need be. Something to substitute for that sibling relationship. Perhaps get your child to sleepover camps, promote close friendships, get your child into activities that will become a second family for years. Something like that.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only. Due to infertility, my DD may end up being an only, too, so I've thought a lot about this.
Do you have siblings with children? If there are cousins close in age to your DD, do what you can to establish/maintain close relationships between the cousins. I have cousins, but most of them were much older than me, and the two that weren't were raised in separate states, so we didn't see each other enough to be close. Now, with the advantages of the internet/Facetime, etc, that's a bit easier.
Work to establish relationships with families in your area with similar-aged children. Encourage your DD to form close friendships. My childhood best friend is like a sister to me, even 30 years later.
Try not to hover. Resist the urge to helicopter parent.
Easier said than done.
This will sound odd, but...try to maintain some semblance of a life that does not revolve around your child. I'm all my parents have in the world. After they retired, nearly everything they do revolves around me and my own little family. It can be great (my DD has a very close bond with them), but it can also be smothering, and the expectations placed on me by my mother are often a bit extreme. As your DD becomes an adult, please don't guilt her into spending her vacations with you, or every holiday with you, etc.
Make sure that you are fully funding your retirement and setting aside money for any potential medical care you might need as you age. My parents aren't nearly as well-covered as they thought they were, and, as they age, that is a burden I will have to bare alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an only child and feel I missed out on sharing, accommodating others and developing social skills related to that. As a result, I think I go the other way in my adult life. I can't say no.

An only child can have an active social life with friends outside of the home, so this is not a concern. But when it matters most, ie, in the most intimate functioning of a household, they will necessarily be the center of attention. Their needs are guaranteed to be a priority. Parents can become suffocating, especially in the teen years. There may be a lot more pressure to succeed, because it's the parents' one and only chance.

And the reality is that these tendencies are nearly impossible to change, OP. I've seen my friends with onlies behave in the same way my parents behaved. Their children are all to some degree coddled and unconsciously self-centered because it's so hard to do otherwise.

So I don't have much advice really, except to suggest that you need to watch for your child's ability to accommodate other people's needs, yet also learn to stand their ground when need be. Something to substitute for that sibling relationship. Perhaps get your child to sleepover camps, promote close friendships, get your child into activities that will become a second family for years. Something like that.

PP from 13:02 here. +1000 to this. The pressure was intense. I was always a "good girl", bookish, quiet type who never caused them any trouble. I excelled in high school but struggled in college, both personally and academically. I hid as much as I could from my parents, until I couldn't anymore. The fear of failure and disappointment that I was afraid I would cause them was awful.

[Anonymous]

As the spouse of an only, one thing I really appreciate is that MIL and FIL were happy to celebrate holidays on our terms. As long as she gets a Thanksgiving dinner with her son or a chance to open Christmas presents, it doesn't matter if it's that day or a week earlier/later.

There is a lot of pressure on only children, so that's something to watch. Also, have solid plans in place for when you're older and health declines. It is a lot of pressure on an only to be the only one responsible for aging parents.

DH never minded being an only child. Try not to worry too much about it. There are definite benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the spouse of an only, one thing I really appreciate is that MIL and FIL were happy to celebrate holidays on our terms. As long as she gets a Thanksgiving dinner with her son or a chance to open Christmas presents, it doesn't matter if it's that day or a week earlier/later.

There is a lot of pressure on only children, so that's something to watch. Also, have solid plans in place for when you're older and health declines. It is a lot of pressure on an only to be the only one responsible for aging parents.

DH never minded being an only child. Try not to worry too much about it. There are definite benefits.

Anecdotal accounts are not helpful, especially since there are plenty of studies about only children.

OP -- studies have shown that only children are no more lonely, spoiled, or socially maladjusted than children with siblings. Only children and children with siblings can feel pressure to take care of aging parents. Likewise, both can feel tremendous pressure from parents to perform at a certain level. Point being -- do what makes sense for your family. There are no generalizations one can make about what it's like growing up in various family arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the spouse of an only, one thing I really appreciate is that MIL and FIL were happy to celebrate holidays on our terms. As long as she gets a Thanksgiving dinner with her son or a chance to open Christmas presents, it doesn't matter if it's that day or a week earlier/later.

There is a lot of pressure on only children, so that's something to watch. Also, have solid plans in place for when you're older and health declines. It is a lot of pressure on an only to be the only one responsible for aging parents.

DH never minded being an only child. Try not to worry too much about it. There are definite benefits.

Anecdotal accounts are not helpful, especially since there are plenty of studies about only children.

OP -- studies have shown that only children are no more lonely, spoiled, or socially maladjusted than children with siblings. Only children and children with siblings can feel pressure to take care of aging parents. Likewise, both can feel tremendous pressure from parents to perform at a certain level. Point being -- do what makes sense for your family. There are no generalizations one can make about what it's like growing up in various family arrangements.

Yes, agreed that pressure can happen with siblings, as well. But, don't you notice a theme here? All three only-child PPs have mentioned feeling pressure.

[Anonymous]

I am an only and honestly I don't think it positively or negatively affected me. I'm all-around an ok, normal person, I think, and also (after having 2 VERY different children) that nature is much stronger than nurture.

I also had an alcoholic and drug-addicted father and pretty screwed up young childhood that has not caused me any issues as a teen or adult, so maybe I'm an outlier? I'm a perfectly high functioning adult - a wife, mom, work FT, am as social as I can be with 2 small kids at home. It's just not in my nature to be rebellious or blame anything on any dysfunctional part of my life, including my birth order (or lack thereof).

I had a lot of cousins around when I was very young, and then had a lot of friends in middle/high school. I was pretty average, middle of the pack student, my parents were strict (mom and step-dad after bio-dad left) but both worked full time and so I definitely wasn't the center of their universe. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16 so I was very social - played sports, babysat, very active in church.

Truth is, OP, you and your kid will never know any different, so don't borrow drama when it's not needed. Your feelings will influence your child so just be happy, loving, and the best parents you can be and you'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

I am an only. Until I wasn’t. That is, until my mother and step father decided I would be an aacomodeying and built in babysitter

I am strong. I am independent. I know to share and notiate with people “outside” my circle. I don’t rely on anyone to be my friend - I work for it.

You teach, or don’t teach, your children if the world revolves around them. This has nothing to do with having (or not having) a sibling.

My brothers came much later in my life. I was treated more as a caregiver than a sibling.

[Anonymous]

I was an only child because my mother hated children and my father insisted on one (oddly, DH and I repeat this dynamic in terms of feelings, except we have two).

They didn't do anything about my being an only child. I turned out fine. You're overthinking.

[Anonymous]

As pp states, there are studies that show that only children are no more maladjusted than other kids. However, make an effort to give your kids a positive social environment. My mother, who also had tons of other issues, never made an effort to give me any healthy social experiences. I was desperately lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was an only child because my mother hated children and my father insisted on one (oddly, DH and I repeat this dynamic in terms of feelings, except we have two).

They didn't do anything about my being an only child. I turned out fine. You're overthinking.

You hate children? And you have two?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an only child because my mother hated children and my father insisted on one (oddly, DH and I repeat this dynamic in terms of feelings, except we have two).

They didn't do anything about my being an only child. I turned out fine. You're overthinking.

You hate children? And you have two?

And you think you turned out fine??

[Anonymous]

I was an only to a single Mom and not the center of her universe. She was 'detached' in that she worked FT while I was a latch-key kid, and did a lot of stuff with friends while sending me to grandma's house. Examples: never did any trips/vacations with me but went on ski trips and Caribbean sailing trips with friends, sent me away to summer camp for 5 weeks every summer, I used to do weekend tournaments and she'd never come watch. When I turned 18, I went away to college and never returned home.

Now, when she visits my home, she's all over me - a real smother mother. She's always interrogating me with questions, watching me all the time for my reaction to things. When she meets one of my friends, the interrogation starts on her like she's trying to find out all about me from a 3rd party. I gave up Facebook because she stalks every comment that I make. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the spouse of an only, one thing I really appreciate is that MIL and FIL were happy to celebrate holidays on our terms. As long as she gets a Thanksgiving dinner with her son or a chance to open Christmas presents, it doesn't matter if it's that day or a week earlier/later.

There is a lot of pressure on only children, so that's something to watch. Also, have solid plans in place for when you're older and health declines. It is a lot of pressure on an only to be the only one responsible for aging parents.

DH never minded being an only child. Try not to worry too much about it. There are definite benefits.

Anecdotal accounts are not helpful, especially since there are plenty of studies about only children.

OP -- studies have shown that only children are no more lonely, spoiled, or socially maladjusted than children with siblings. Only children and children with siblings can feel pressure to take care of aging parents. Likewise, both can feel tremendous pressure from parents to perform at a certain level. Point being -- do what makes sense for your family. There are no generalizations one can make about what it's like growing up in various family arrangements.

Yes, agreed that pressure can happen with siblings, as well. But, don't you notice a theme here? All three only-child PPs have mentioned feeling pressure.

No -- I see people posting about feeling pressure, and others posting about not feeling pressure. Also, I'm inclined to believe studies more than a bunch of anonymous internet posters.