Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments

[Anonymous]

I would not do it if I were you.

My reason is that if you are focused on "15 years of child support" you are going to resent the child and take it out on them.

And it is NOT just "15 years". It is a lifetime of parenting. It is college and support if they crash and burn. It is increased payments because they made the travel soccer team and are no longer doing $100/season rec. It is buying the laptop for school instead of just notebooks. It is possibly a wedding, or maybe a car. Prom dresses. School trips. Equal gifts for those grandchildren even if she is "only" your step child.

If you are showing your limitations already, don't do that to this family and child. Bow out before you make a mess of that kid's relationship with his father.

[Anonymous]

Friend pays $4100 a month total Child Support and Alimony, even with DCUM income levels that hurts. $1900 is child support
/quote]

My brother, who makes about 175k in southern California pays over 5k. No children. 10 year marriage to a woman who never worked or contributed in any way. He put her through b-school but now she claims emotional disability so can't get a job anr requires support. It could be lifetime. Needless to say he can't get a date.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it sounds like he probably cheated. While his wife had cut back or sacrificed her career to raise his kids. That would concern me more than the actual payments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to accept that he has a responsibility towards the woman who raised his children at the expense of her career.

Just pretend that he makes his salary minus the alimony amount. Are you interested in someone who makes that salary? If so, yay. If not, move on.

This.

[Anonymous]

I guess you’d have to paper up a prenup that spilled everything out and to protect yourself from his liabilities.

15 years of alimony when the youngest kid is 16 yo is a lot.

The sexless marriage BS is a symptom of something else, not a cause.

[Anonymous]

I would be concerned with any guy who blames his wife on those issues and take no responsibility.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t merge households or finances with someone’s paying alimony or child support, because I really don’t want the drama of the ex-wife and her children (and there is always drama). I also wouldn’t merge households or finances while I still had children living in my home.

But I am fine on my own, financially, emotionally, and otherwise. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not do it if I were you.

My reason is that if you are focused on "15 years of child support" you are going to resent the child and take it out on them.

And it is NOT just "15 years". It is a lifetime of parenting. It is college and support if they crash and burn. It is increased payments because they made the travel soccer team and are no longer doing $100/season rec. It is buying the laptop for school instead of just notebooks. It is possibly a wedding, or maybe a car. Prom dresses. School trips. Equal gifts for those grandchildren even if she is "only" your step child.

If you are showing your limitations already, don't do that to this family and child. Bow out before you make a mess of that kid's relationship with his father.

You cannot read well. Alimony, not child support. Children are grown. College paid for, she got the house. He was generous. No cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned with any guy who blames his wife on those issues and take no responsibility.

I did not say that. You did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do it if I were you.

My reason is that if you are focused on "15 years of child support" you are going to resent the child and take it out on them.

And it is NOT just "15 years". It is a lifetime of parenting. It is college and support if they crash and burn. It is increased payments because they made the travel soccer team and are no longer doing $100/season rec. It is buying the laptop for school instead of just notebooks. It is possibly a wedding, or maybe a car. Prom dresses. School trips. Equal gifts for those grandchildren even if she is "only" your step child.

If you are showing your limitations already, don't do that to this family and child. Bow out before you make a mess of that kid's relationship with his father.

You cannot read well. Alimony, not child support. Children are grown. College paid for, she got the house. He was generous. No cheating.

You do realize that you are only getting his side of the story. Maybe he is all these things but the honestly she probably has a very different version of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do it if I were you.

My reason is that if you are focused on "15 years of child support" you are going to resent the child and take it out on them.

And it is NOT just "15 years". It is a lifetime of parenting. It is college and support if they crash and burn. It is increased payments because they made the travel soccer team and are no longer doing $100/season rec. It is buying the laptop for school instead of just notebooks. It is possibly a wedding, or maybe a car. Prom dresses. School trips. Equal gifts for those grandchildren even if she is "only" your step child.

If you are showing your limitations already, don't do that to this family and child. Bow out before you make a mess of that kid's relationship with his father.

You cannot read well. Alimony, not child support. Children are grown. College paid for, she got the house. He was generous. No cheating.

You do realize that you are only getting his side of the story. Maybe he is all these things but the honestly she probably has a very different version of the story.

This!

[Anonymous]

It may be unfair, but I wouldn’t be happy if my S/O were still giving his earned income to an ex (even though it is totally legal.)

I think over time I would likely feel resentful when we couldn’t afford certain things like saving for a house.

I know this thinking may not be acceptable, but it is my honest feeling about this issue.

[Anonymous]

I know a two guys in similar situations. In both cases women were SAHM and both women went off the deep end (mid life crisis- the women filed for divorce). One opted to give the alimony in one lump sum and the other is making monthly payments. I feel for the guys but is is what it is.
I feel like in any relationship there’s going to be some level of baggage and in this case it’s something that’s financial and known. The thing is you never know what life will throw at you and with commitment you go through the better and the worse. If for example, his mom gets sick and needs long term care and he has to pay for some or all of it, would you be ok with that? Or even worse If he gets sick and no longer can work, would you deal with the financial impact of that ? If you’re counting money like this is mine and this is yours maybe this guy isn't the better or worse, in sickness or in health guy. Just sayin. And there is nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grasping ho is disgruntled that another ho is grasping. Sad!

+1

[Anonymous]

Two of my best friends married men who had alimony and/or child support payment obligations for years following their marriage.

For one couple, it's resulted in extensive court battles because the ex-wife claimed she wasn't in another live-in relationship, but was, and when she got caught out on that then claimed that her new man can only contribute $500/month to their household, and so on and so on. Honestly I look at my friend struggle with this and I'm not sure it's worth it. The investigators and the lawyers and all - it's a lot of money and a lot of stress. I like her husband, very much but they go through a lot in relation to this, and as someone mentioned upthread, she can't enjoy her own success financially (eg take a nice vacation with her husband) as often as she might like because she'll have to pay for him, too. They also can't buy a home because if it, and they're not young kids at 41 and 49.

The other woman got a very extensive prenup, so much so that the first three lawyers her husband spoke to wouldn't recommend he sign off on it. She was in a slightly different financial position from the first friend though - her actual income is lower but she had more assets as she had bought property early and cheap, and had some inheritance.. For her, she doesn't mind subsidizing his living costs as much, as she already owned her home before meeting him (not outught, but close, she had less than 5 years to go on the mortgage). For her, it was more making sure that he was entitled to very little of what she had coming into the marriage in the event that they divorce. They seem less stressed about it all than the first couple.

In a nutshell, every situation is different but I recommend you get the specifics of his sooner rather than later so you're making an informed decision.