Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments

[Anonymous]

For those women, or men, that have seriously dated someone with long-term alimony payments, how did you discuss the details of the payments when considering a future joint household? From my understanding, it was a "loss of passion" or sexless relationship that lead to the divorce. It was finalized when the last kid was in their junior year of high school. I have not asked the exact amount but there over 10 years to go on the payments. He is mildly sensitive about the topic, and I do not ask many questions. I am very supportive when he vocalizes frustration.

BTW: My personal earnings are more in align with his. With the alimony payments, he makes less than I do.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a kid too or is he the only one with a kid?

[Anonymous]

Would treat it like any other long-term debt, like a student loan or medical bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those women, or men, that have seriously dated someone with long-term alimony payments, how did you discuss the details of the payments when considering a future joint household? From my understanding, it was a "loss of passion" or sexless relationship that lead to the divorce. It was finalized when the last kid was in their junior year of high school. I have not asked the exact amount but there over 10 years to go on the payments. He is mildly sensitive about the topic, and I do not ask many questions. I am very supportive when he vocalizes frustration.

BTW: My personal earnings are more in align with his. With the alimony payments, he makes less than I do.

If you guys are serious about long term then yeah, all the cards need to be on the table and he SHOULD disclose how much and what the details are. JMO.

[Anonymous]

So, basically, he cheated on a long-term SAHM.

Cash is fungible. If you are running a joint household as equal earners (but one person has massive debt), you’re likely not going to be able to split all house hold expenses straight up the middle, because the person with debt has less money to contribute on a monthly basis. In other words, you’re likely going to end up subsidizing that person’s debt expenses, even if it is indirectly (you’ll pay for more of your stuff as a couple so that he can pay for “his” expense - the alimony).

Say you’re able to split all expenses equally, then he still has less to save for retirement and other things. If the relationship goes the distance, you’ll likely end up paying for more of his stuff in retirement.

I wouldn’t consider a relationship with a man like this unless he were seriously wealthy (in other words, able to pay for all his expenses, all his alimony, fully fund his retirement and then some). No cash of mine is going to pay for a man’s poor choices in his first marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would treat it like any other long-term debt, like a student loan or medical bills.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, basically, he cheated on a long-term SAHM.

Cash is fungible. If you are running a joint household as equal earners (but one person has massive debt), you’re likely not going to be able to split all house hold expenses straight up the middle, because the person with debt has less money to contribute on a monthly basis. In other words, you’re likely going to end up subsidizing that person’s debt expenses, even if it is indirectly (you’ll pay for more of your stuff as a couple so that he can pay for “his” expense - the alimony).

Say you’re able to split all expenses equally, then he still has less to save for retirement and other things. If the relationship goes the distance, you’ll likely end up paying for more of his stuff in retirement.

I wouldn’t consider a relationship with a man like this unless he were seriously wealthy (in other words, able to pay for all his expenses, all his alimony, fully fund his retirement and then some). No cash of mine is going to pay for a man’s poor choices in his first marriage.

No, he did not. If he did, he would still be in the marriage. Your negativity is not warranted.

[Anonymous]

You have to accept that he has a responsibility towards the woman who raised his children at the expense of her career.

Just pretend that he makes his salary minus the alimony amount. Are you interested in someone who makes that salary? If so, yay. If not, move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to accept that he has a responsibility towards the woman who raised his children at the expense of her career.

Just pretend that he makes his salary minus the alimony amount. Are you interested in someone who makes that salary? If so, yay. If not, move on.

+1 This

I have friends who have dated divorced guys who seriously could not get over this fact. There will always be another woman in his life, OP. Financially and emotionally, even if he can’t stand her anymore.

[Anonymous]

In my honest opinion, sounds like too much baggage.

[Anonymous]

Friend pays $4100 a month total Child Support and Alimony, even with DCUM income levels that hurts. $1900 is child support

[Anonymous]

Grasping ho is disgruntled that another ho is grasping. Sad!

[Anonymous]

Not an issue as long as he can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

Nope BYE