Dishonesty discovered day before wedding -- WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I don't see that as a big lie. I'd be concerned about his strategy of avoidance, but it's not like you didn't know he had this prior relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re getting married on a Thursday?

Troll!

[Anonymous]

I also do not think it’s a big deal.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's not a big deal. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re getting married on a Thursday?

Troll!

Not necessarily. I got married on a Wednesday, because that is the only day they do weddings at City Hall in St. Louis.

[Anonymous]

Not even a slight issues, and would not refer to it as dishonesty. He avoided her. Isn't that what you would want?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yep, a Thursday wedding. The actual wedding is not a big event (we're having a large celebration in the fall, this is a small legal ceremony with immediately family only).

I also wonder if the woman knew--but so far it seems truly that it was chance and she doesn't know he's with me. In any case, irrelevant.

I agree with PPs who say that dating IS complicated in your 30s and no one can be expected not to have a past. What bothers me is that I asked him directly a few times why he had such discomfort about going into the building and he chose to mislead me.

I don't really believe in "fate" per se but I have wondered if finding this out right before marriage is supposed to be a wake up call. I agree I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. Thanks for the perspective, all.

[Anonymous]

Oh just stop.

He cut off all contact with the woman and even stopped dating her to get serious with you.

That's on top of the fact that you're apparently crazy - an athiest who goes to church? WTH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yep, a Thursday wedding. The actual wedding is not a big event (we're having a large celebration in the fall, this is a small legal ceremony with immediately family only).

I also wonder if the woman knew--but so far it seems truly that it was chance and she doesn't know he's with me. In any case, irrelevant.

I agree with PPs who say that dating IS complicated in your 30s and no one can be expected not to have a past. What bothers me is that I asked him directly a few times why he had such discomfort about going into the building and he chose to mislead me.

I don't really believe in "fate" per se but I have wondered if finding this out right before marriage is supposed to be a wake up call. I agree I'm probably blowing this out of proportion. Thanks for the perspective, all.

If this woman truly didn't know when she sought you out, if she'd had any class she wouldn't have told you about their history once she figured it out. My guess is he didn't say anything because it was insignificant to him and he didn't want to make you uncomfortable in your church, but this woman sought you out because it was significant to her and she wanted to hurt him/you by outing him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh just stop.

He cut off all contact with the woman and even stopped dating her to get serious with you.

That's on top of the fact that you're apparently crazy - an athiest who goes to church? WTH?

I know a whole lot of atheists who attend church for the community.

[Anonymous]

OP I still don’t understand how this woman outed herself. She either told you about her and the fiancé or she didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm concerned because he chose to withhold this and even deceive me when I asked about his obvious discomfort about the church. I completely understand the temptation to avoid the subject (awkward) but he made a choice to exclude me from this. It's hard for me to understand b/c the community will continue to be a part of my life, so I don't know how he thought he'd deal with this. He says he can't explain it either, he just sort of hoped it would go away.

I get why this bothers you, but I also don't think it's a big deal. From what you've written, I think you and your FI will have a wonderful life together.

Some perspective, I had a sort of similar issue (though earlier in our relationship) with now DH. My issues ran pretty deep, since I'd had more than one BF keep pretty major secrets from me in the past. I thought I had communicated this to DH, and we did have some pretty open discussions about past relationships. Nonetheless, it eventually came out that, from my perspective, he had kept something from me regarding a past romantic relationship with someone he was still friendly with. From his perspective, it was really NBD and pretty much just another example of things he had already shared with me. It ended up opening up a deeper conversation and understanding about how we can have different perspectives on the same thing. I think, for me, it was also the first time I really had to trust that he loved me and wasn't trying to hurt me...even if he did something that did inadvertently hurt me. Being in love and sharing a life together doesn't mean you will never do things that hurt each other...but it does mean that you will try not to hurt each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt that hurtful actions were unintentional. I think as soon as you start to truly believe that your partner is actively trying to hurt you, that's when you know your relationship is in trouble.

Only you can know whether you truly trust your FI. Whether any random internet person thinks this is NBD is pretty irrelevant. Faced with something similar (a "deception" bothered me that others would have thought was NBD), I did a lot of soul-searching and realized that I did truly, deeply trust that my now-DH was not intentionally trying to hurt or deceive me. We got married 4 years after that incident and have now been married for 9, and I don't think I've thought about it for years until reading your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh just stop.

He cut off all contact with the woman and even stopped dating her to get serious with you.

That's on top of the fact that you're apparently crazy - an athiest who goes to church? WTH?

I know a whole lot of atheists who attend church for the community.

Then I feel sorry for them. Being stuck in an area that lives and breathes religion isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I still don’t understand how this woman outed herself. She either told you about her and the fiancé or she didn’t.

She told me where she went to college (very specific, out of the region) and the condo building she lives in now. Both clicked with things my fiance had mentioned to me back in the day about her.

She remains single after divorce and always looking for new friends. She's attractive but from the beginning since meeting her (5+ years ago), I wasn't too attracted to being friends. She tries to join in groups all the time, is kind of desperate and comes on as to intense.

I actually don't think she knows that my fiance is her ex, but who knows.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s a big deal. Yeah he absolutely could have found a better way of handling the situation but people do stupid things sometimes. I think this lady is trying to sabotage and you shouldn’t let her do so.