Dishonesty discovered day before wedding -- WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Tomorrow is my wedding date. Today I found out something I'm struggling to put into perspective. I occasionally attend services and am active in the charitable group at church. I'm not religious/a believer (nor are most there), but it's an important community. No expectation that fiance would participate; he's not interested and is also an introvert.

On the occasional offer to attend something social there with me, fiancé declined. I support/attend his various professional and other interests, including things I otherwise wouldn't care about. On the rare occasion he'd go into the building with me (say, I had to run in and grab something), he seemed odd. I asked him about it, he gave vague excuses. I completely understand that it's "my" thing and he doesn't have to participate or care, but I did feel like something was "off" on this subject. He's generally very supportive.

This week a woman from church asked me out to lunch. We have a lot in common, both longtime members, but just hadn't really crossed paths too much. As we talked, some details clicked and I realized that I think this woman is my fiancé's ex-FWB.

We were in our late 30s when we met on a dating website. As we had the exclusivity talk before sex, he disclosed had been seeing someone casually. He told her he was not interested in a serious relationship with her, that his profile was still up and he was continuing to date. When he and I met it seemed very special and serious early on. After our first date he told her that he appreciated what they had but he'd met someone and wouldn't be seeing her anymore. She didn't take it well and kept trying to contact him. This was 4 years ago and I knew all that then.

I asked fiancé and he confirmed this woman from church was indeed the FWB, and that he avoids my church because of it. Completely coincidental that she and I both belong to this large church. He said that one of the few times he and I were in the building, he saw her and she saw him. Right after she texted him that she thought he was rude for not saying hi. Otherwise they've had no contact in 4 years.

I'm concerned because he chose to withhold this and even deceive me when I asked about his obvious discomfort about the church. I completely understand the temptation to avoid the subject (awkward) but he made a choice to exclude me from this. It's hard for me to understand b/c the community will continue to be a part of my life, so I don't know how he thought he'd deal with this. He says he can't explain it either, he just sort of hoped it would go away.

[Anonymous]

I personally don't think this is a big deal or something you should fixate on the day before your wedding UNLESS you think there are other red flags nagging at you.

Has this person been trustworthy during your 4 years together? Does he treat you well and make you happy?

[Anonymous]

I think you are blowing this incident way out of proportion.

While he withheld the information, I don't think this is a stop the wedding, drop everything type of omission. I think you need to talk about honesty between you, say that you don't want omissions in the future and see if he can agree with you. He already agrees he made a mistake. If he'll promise not to do so again in the future, then take him at his word.

[Anonymous]

This is worth a serious discussion, but not calling off the wedding.

[Anonymous]

You should be glad he declined to come with you all these years. Would it have been really so much better if he had disclosed that your pet religious locale held his previous squeeze?

No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Not a big deal IMO.

[Anonymous]

Also, dating is complicated in your late 30s! I would never expect someone to not have a history or tell me every little detail of everything in the past. He probably just didn’t want to deal with your thoughts or hers, exactly like he said.

[Anonymous]

He is with and CHOOSE YOU. We all have a past. Enjoy your wedding day and allow yourself to move forward.

[Anonymous]

You’re getting married on a Thursday?

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised you're getting married on a Thursday.

This is not a reason to call off a wedding. This is not even an issue. He doesn't want to run into his old FWB. Grow up and stop being so immature as to create drama where there is none.

[Anonymous]

NBD. Don't overreact.

[Anonymous]

How was he dishonest? The only thing I worry about is your expectation that he can have zero privacy.

[Anonymous]

Don't give this a second thought. He didn't seem to have any negative motivation or intentions, I probably would have done the same thing if I were him.

You should be focused on your wedding, not this.

[Anonymous]

I think this is really the other woman's problem, not his, and not yours. Obviously, she deliberately tried to throw a wrench into your plans by revealing herself to you just before the wedding. It's possible she thought you didn't know about their arrangement years ago.

What did she say to you at the lunch that made you realize she was the woman? It must have been something specific. Surely, she knew you were about to marry this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is really the other woman's problem, not his, and not yours. Obviously, she deliberately tried to throw a wrench into your plans by revealing herself to you just before the wedding. It's possible she thought you didn't know about their arrangement years ago.

What did she say to you at the lunch that made you realize she was the woman? It must have been something specific. Surely, she knew you were about to marry this man.

THIS