Reply to Dishonesty discovered day before wedding -- WWYD?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I'm concerned because he chose to withhold this and even deceive me when I asked about his obvious discomfort about the church. I completely understand the temptation to avoid the subject (awkward) but he made a choice to exclude me from this.  It's hard for me to understand b/c the community will continue to be a part of my life, so I don't know how he thought he'd deal with this. He says he can't explain it either, he just sort of hoped it would go away.
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I get why this bothers you, but I also don't think it's a big deal. From what you've written, I think you and your FI will have a wonderful life together.

Some perspective, I had a sort of similar issue (though earlier in our relationship) with now DH. My issues ran pretty deep, since I'd had more than one BF keep pretty major secrets from me in the past. I thought I had communicated this to DH, and we did have some pretty open discussions about past relationships. Nonetheless, it eventually came out that, from my perspective, he had kept something from me regarding a past romantic relationship with someone he was still friendly with. From his perspective, it was really NBD and pretty much just another example of things he had already shared with me. It ended up opening up a deeper conversation and understanding about how we can have different perspectives on the same thing. I think, for me, it was also the first time I really had to trust that he loved me and wasn't trying to hurt me...even if he did something that did inadvertently hurt me. Being in love and sharing a life together doesn't mean you will never do things that hurt each other...but it does mean that you will try not to hurt each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt that hurtful actions were unintentional. I think as soon as you start to truly believe that your partner is actively trying to hurt you, that's when you know your relationship is in trouble.

Only you can know whether you truly trust your FI. Whether any random internet person thinks this is NBD is pretty irrelevant. Faced with something similar (a "deception" bothered me that others would have thought was NBD), I did a lot of soul-searching and realized that I did truly, deeply trust that my now-DH was not intentionally trying to hurt or deceive me. We got married 4 years after that incident and have now been married for 9, and I don't think I've thought about it for years until reading your post.[/quote]

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